Hi 25, Yes, I do get it and they were scary to read. I know my W had a bad childhood and that she has had life long issues because of that but people with a lot worse childhoods never do the things she is doing. It also is kind of galling that the man responsible for it being so bad, her father, is the person she clings to now! Why would anyone allow the person that has done the things that man has done to her back into their life? Even if they are her father! What kind of father pushes his D to leave their H when there are kids involved and no real reason other than she's not happy? He is as crazy as she is in many ways. His is a very mean kind of crazy where he must be the person in control.
I remember when my W became depressed. It wasn't easy to deal with especially with 2 young girls but I knew I had an obligation to her and had vowed to stay in sickness and in health and I loved her (even though at times I didn't feel much love towards her). She now not only has decided that she no longer is "in love" with me, but also refuses to listen to anyone BUT the man who hurt her most of her life. Her mom tells her to at least try. At the begining her friends told her how much they know I'm devoted to her and told her to try but she would get angry when these people said this. The only person who tells her she is right is the man who rejected her for all those years. Now he is more important than even her own kids!
She spends a lot of time looking up ways to "help" him. She has put her life on the back burner to help take care of him. He has become her main focus. That doesn't make sense. It feels to me like she is acting like a teenager, rebelling against the person she see's as a father figure (me) and her father is the new man who wants to "take her away" from the constraints of her life. He has become the "lover" who wants her in his life, tells her how he loves her and wants her to run away with him so he can shower her with love. My D18 said this to me herself just yesterday! I couldn't believe it when she said it because that is how I feel as well.
I still feel an obligation towards my W now. I know she is sick and this time you can even see it in the way she has lost so much weight, is always anxious, always sick, unable to eat, constantly worried about her health and saying she thinks she is dying. Of course she wants to run from those feelings! I just can't see how she can think I'm responsible for them or how leaving her support system behind can "cure" her.
Last night my W came home instead of going to her new 2nd job because she didn't feel well. She was angry and surly at first but since she no longer will spend any time in our bedroom sat and watched TV with my D's and I. She became more and more involved in being with and talking with us and it was nice. Of course she would run to her phone every time she got a text but for the most part she was actually being a part of our family. If she had been doing this all along we probably wouldn't be getting a D right now!
I really hate what she is doing not just to me but to her D's as well. I hate that she has refused from the start to take ANY responsibility for anything that has happened in the last 20 years that helped end our marriage. It's all my fault and she is just a victim or can't help that her "feelings" have changed and won't try and change them back. That she refuses to see the pain she is causing our girls or the way she is disrupting their lives. At the same time, I don't want her to go through what those other women you talked about did. I don't want to see her life ruined or her in so much pain. I can't ever see myself hating her or wanting her to hurt even after all the hurt she is causing me and the people I love more than anything in this world.
I understand that there is nothing I can do for her at this point and must concentrate on myself and my girls. That I can no longer count on her in any way to make sense in the things she decides to do or not do. It's like watching the person you love most in this world standing on the track while a train is coming. You try to get her attention, try to warn her that its coming, get out of the way but even though she see's you she just refuses to budge thinking the train won't hit HER. You know what's coming and it will be gursome but you just can't stop it from happening! It's a terrible feeling!
