Cross country DB with WAS

[Anders]

Betsey, finishing up my homework:

Also, after 2 years with seemingly little progress reconciling, is that truly still your goal?

No. It would be a great outcome but not my ultimate goal.

I went through a large part of last year with reconciliation as the only goal in mind. I was remorseful for my being a WAS and the lead up to it. I wanted us to move past all of this and just get back to moving forward together in life.

For a long time, I put my wife in the center of it all. I put her on a pedestal. Then I resented the fact that she didn't put me on pedestal as well. I made my life about her. To the point that I became so afraid of loosing her, that did everything I thought I should do not to loose her.

Since our separation, the recurring lesson and ultimate goal is how I can continue this journey of becoming a better and stronger person. Not simply to save my marriage but to have and sustain great relationships with God, myself, my wife and my family. A key part of this is to reaffirm what my purpose in life is.

Do you think if you fixed some of your systemic issues (at least on your side), your W would be open to working on things?

This is a very good question Betsey. I honestly don't know. Since the D argument two months ago, we have only spoken twice. Not enough time to get a good read on where she is.

Right now, I think she is inclined to think it is easier to move on and bury all of this in her past. And I think a large part of that is that she may not want to be emotionally vulnerable/open with me again.

Since our separation in Sept. she has been consistent in saying she was feeling very confused, uncertain how to go forward, had no energy to work on our M (yes-heavy word we both kept using: work), needing space and time. This changed when I said I wanted a D this past March in a heated argument and then back tracked. She now says she is sure she is done... even though she still feels conflicted at times (her words).

For now, I have a time frame that I am committing to. Knowing how decisions and feelings can change on both sides, the time frame is to keep me from giving up out of fear but also not to stay out of fear. The goal is to make that eventual decision to stay or to go from a place of love.