Cross country DB with WAS

[Anders]

Thanks for the encouraging words Betsey. Some really good points here. I was busy GALing at a wedding on Sat. with a great bunch of people. My ego was stroked a few times being one of the 'unaccompanied' guests.

DB,

I first want to say to you as reassurance that this is not all your fault. Do you realize this? I really am encouraged for you to read about what you've learned, absorbed and committed to making yourself better. Keep doing that! No matter how this chapter ends, it will serve you well going forward.

Thanks Betsey for the words of encouragement. It took me a long time to come to terms with this. I went from blaming her to blaming myself to accepting how much we both didn't know. I don't believe we set out to deliberately mistreat each other. I have really taken to heart that the essence of this DB journey is for me to grow into a much stronger and wiser person.

One of the big things I got from your updates is that you are both conflict avoiders. You're not the only one who engages in passive aggressive tactics. Out of curiosity, have you read anything on that topic? I was married to someone who has these tendencies, and it is a damn difficult dynamic to deal with. I have one called "Living with the Passive Aggressive Man" by Scott Wetzler. But here's a link to an article about the nature of passive agressiveness: Psychology behind passive aggressiveness.

Thanks for the article. I will read this and get back to you on my thoughts. Something I have been addressing in IC since reading 'No More Mr. Nice Guy'.

It made him affable and fun to be with, but the danger lurking under the surface was something that took years from his own happiness by his own design. And it killed intimacy between us, because the more P/A he became, the more angry I became.

Ouch-this reminds me very much of our situation. Do you think if he had made progress on this things would have worked out?

Back to you. So... from the start, I can see conversations that should have been solution oriented and fairly simple that became the wedges of resentment between you two.

This is something that kept coming back to me. They were relatively simple issues. In hindsight, so easily resolved.

And let me say this: I honestly believe that you can both overcome this stuff to create something different, better and healthy down the road.

I do believe this and the main reason I am sticking with this journey. Our R and hopefully our marriage, can become much stronger going through this. At the very least, I don't want to carry these bricks into my future.

The big question is if this is what she wants? And is she committed enough to do the same with you?

This is a very good question Betsey. One I struggle with. Knowing her, I think she is inclined to think it is easier to move on. And I think a large part of that is that she may not want to be emotionally vulnerable/open with me again.

Since our separation in Sept. she has been consistent in saying she was feeling very confused, uncertain how to go forward, had no energy to work on our M(yes-heavy word we both kept using-work), needing space and time. This changed when I said I wanted a D this past March in a heated argument and then back tracked. She now says she is sure she is done... even though she still feels conflicted at times (her words).

However, I can also see in my own case that my XH was as unwilling to bring up the stuff that was bothering him as much as he didn't want to change himself: he wanted ME to do all the changing to suit HIM.

Betsey, why do you think he didn't want to change? Did he then or has he since expressed any remorse/regret about his part in your M's end?

This is one of my biggest fears if W and I are to move forward. I do think it would be helpful for her to work with a good coach/IC. Even her BFF recommended she try it. However, she is very wary of counseling in general, especially so since our last MC sessions where she felt we ganged up on her. I could see us 'reconciling', things rolling along smoothly for a few months or even years, then it all falling apart again due to the same issues.

I have been collecting insights from other posters about things that helped with piecing and moving forward to creating sustainable approaches for great marriages. This is my optimistic side preparing for that possibility.

So... that's just personal observation and not necessarily a projection on you, okay?

Got it and do find this very helpful.

I'm interested to see your thoughts on the article and if anything resonates with you.

Please bear with me, as I've got a crazy week at work and home.

Thanks Betsey for the valuable insights and no rush. Time is my friend right now.