You know, Nero, I used to spend an enormous amount of time going over my life. Could I have done things differently? Would it have made a difference in my childhood, in my marriage.
Especially when there is a death. It makes you go back and rethink your life.
What I have come to realize, through a lot of work and thinking, is that we just do the best we can with the knowledge and tools we have at the time.
I know that I never did or didnt do anything with the intent to cause harm to anyone. That matters a great deal to me.
So, could I have done things differently? Probably. Did I realize that at the time? No.
I completely believe that things happen as they are supposed to. I know it without a doubt. I would not have been ready to learn what I did any sooner than I have.
I accept that what has happened in my life, is what I was supposed to go through in order to be at this exact moment.
Once you accept that, it is easier to forgive yourself. It is easier to understand that we are human. And stuff happens, and we do things and it is what it is.
There will come a time when you will want more. I think you are inching towards that. And when you do and when you accept that you deserve that, you will know what to do. Until then, embrace the fact that you are right where you should be on your journey.
Never apologize for your thoughts or feelings here, Nero. They are valid because they are yours. There are no right or wrong ones.
This forum is a wonderful place to be able to work through things, share your thoughts and feelings and figure stuff out. No one is judging you. We have all had similar feelings.
