Stumps, thats a tough one. well done on all that you can do. I am in the very exact situation. She said she's done and you can change all you want but it wont change how i feel....exhausted and no love. Sandi2 said she was done and came around. Others say it happens here. Keep being the warrior. and i wonder is there is a way that trust can be rebuilt so that she loves you and accepts these changes. My theory is that in the subconcious something shuts down trust wise ...but if it was there before it can be again right? Glad you love yourself and the amazing changes and good fruit out of that. keep at it...maybe the "fake it till you make it" will work for her as well...doing nice things for you. ..it will change her feelings eventually
Me 42 W:35 M: 14yrs T:15yrs D: 8yrs D:6yrs S:3yrs BD: "I want a D"09/03/14 Sep: 30/06/14
Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
Thanks for the comments and encouragement rayzzz. Been catching up on your sitch and wishing the best for you.
This ishard stuff for sure. I have to remind myself that I do see the fruits of my labor, in that W hasn't left yet even though she both could have by now and says she intends to.
The group of neighbors around us have also remarked to me how much they enjoy "the new stumps" and how nice it's been hanging out with W and I. Kind of funny, because FIL let it slip last night that at some point before I started my GAL/180s, W told all the neighbors we were splitting up, and apparently they've come to him a couple of times scratching their heads trying to figure out what's going on since they're having such a great time hanging out with us... and we've even run into a couple of them when we were out on one of our date nights and they sort of slyly remarked what a happy couple we looked like.
A couple of the neighbors have even kind of tested the waters with me when W wasn't around by remarking that they know W isn't perfect and they notice how much I do with the kids and around the house, etc. I haven't taken the bait though. W may want to make all this public, but I don't feel the need to. I'm letting my actions speak for themselves. Especially because FIL has said that he feels like W has dug herself into a hole by announcing to everyone she was moving out and divorcing me, and then sticking around to enjoy the new me.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
He is very wise indeed. And he went through something very similar with his own wife...arguably worse I guess, since his situation was exacerbated by his wife carrying on an affair. Although he did say he can't remember his W ever using the word "divorce".
Divorcebusting wasn't around back then either, so he had to figure it out on his own. In his case, he said he decided to own what he contributed to the breakdown, and dedicated himself to working on being the best man, father, and husband he could be. He told himself he would give it a year, and if he couldn't turn things around in that time he at least would be able to hold his head up high and know that he did what he could.
He and my MIL just recently celebrated their 30+ anniversary.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
So apparently the fact that W announced to all the neighbors that we are getting divorced is coming around to bite her in the butt a little bit. She came to me this morning and said that one neighbor informed her last night that a second neighbor has been "gossiping" about us and saying that W should count her blessings that she's married to such a great guy that is willing to own his flaws and take every step he can to fix them, and that W needed to learn how to forgive and forget because she would be throwing away a good solid family man if she didn't.
W was pretty irritated about this and asked if I had heard any of this, and I told her that I hadn't, and I made it clear that I have not discussed our sitch with any of the neighbors (kept my mouth shut about the flip-side of that, which is that none of them would even know what was up if she hadn't chosen to tell them all). I also tried to validate her feelings by saying I could certainly see why what the neighbor said would upset W, particularly because the neighbor was forming and sharing an opinion without knowing the full story. Also kept my mouth shut about FIL telling me that not only were he and MIL pulling for me, but all of the neighbors were too (including the one that informed W about the gossip!).
This has certainly confirmed for me the value in not making all of this public and discussing it with anyone who will listen. I'm not even sure what the heck W thought was going to happen when she discussed this everyone...we live in a pretty tight-knit little enclave and she is well-aware that everyone talks about everything around here. The only thing I can figure is she was feeling low and/or trying to make allies or something...or maybe she just needed to vent. But she vented to some of the biggest blabber-mouths on the planet.
Sure am glad I choose my sympathetic ears a little more wisely...
Last edited by stumps; 06/05/1404:58 PM.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
I can relate to the painting yourself into a corner. It leads one to do have to follow through with things that really aren't in one's best interest.
Yeah... this is actually something that makes me a little nervous. While on the one hand it's nice to know that people I haven't even talked to about it are pulling for me, on the other hand I know my W pretty well, and she can be quite obstinate and is just as likely to dig in her heels and stick to her position if she knows it's being questioned by people.
It's like my FIL said... he's worried that on some level W feels like she'll make an @ss of herself for sticking around after she's told the world her marriage is irrevocably broken and she wants a divorce, and then finding out that I am capable of learning and growing and changing.
Nothing I can do about that I suppose other than to keep on keepin' on... (and keeping my own d@mn trap shut!)
Last edited by stumps; 06/05/1405:56 PM.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
Forgot to journal a couple of what seem like interesting things to note...
1) W came back from her parents' house the night she was supposed to discuss moving in with them and said she wasn't ready to discuss what they had talked about. I said that was fine and left it at that.
2) She called me on the way home from work last night and asked if I wanted to join her for a drink at the local pub since she had to work late and we weren't able to have our usual date night (I said sure, we had a great time).
3) A friend of hers had stepped way out of line (in both my and W's opinion) and texted me about our sitch a little while back. I didn't make too big a stink about it, but did make it clear I didn't like it. W had assumed that meant Friend was persona non grata now as far as I was concerned. W went to hang out with her and I asked her to make sure Friend knew there weren't any hard feelings. W was pleasantly taken aback and said how nice she thought that was, because Friend is an important person to her and Friend really wants to be a part of "us".
4) W and I were watching an episode of "Louie" last night, and he made a joke about how you know you really love somebody when you can share your most deepest darkest inner racism with them. W turned to me and smiled and said "Can I tell you my deepest darkest inner racism? I really want to." I said "sure" and we both laughed.
So... not taking anything for more than it's worth, just face value. But these all seem more positive than not...
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
Haven't been posting as much because there hasn't been any change in my sitch (no mention from W about moving out, still having good times together [W has been inviting me to meet her out to do stuff that she used to do without me, and we had the neighbors over again yesterday and afterward W gave me a big hug and said how much fun she's been having with me], but also no mention from her of a change of heart or reconciling)...and sometimes I feel like posting too much actually hinders my detachment.
One positive is that our neighborhood friends are clearly welcoming me into the fold and the sense that they're pulling for me is almost palpable!
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
Brilliant stuff Stumps. It seems you are doing things right for yourself and it's paying off. I continue to cross my fingers for you.
M 35 W 31 D 10 Married 3 years Together 11 Single since Nov 13 Moved out Dec 13 ILYBNILWY, 'I don't want to be a boring housewife, 'I don't fancy you any more' OM confirmed Jun 14
