"then when it got to the point where I was so hurt that I said something about it, then it became a sex-only issue. I'm afraid she thinks I'm trying to use her V as a bargaining chip or something, like she owes it to me. "
But the point is that to you it has become a "sex-only" issue. That's how you've been framing your problem. I mean it's your title of this post. Most women don't deal with the sex issue very well. Especially if they feel like the spouse is pressuring them to do something they don't want to . Most, not all.
So that's the rub, isn't it?
I mean, after how many weeks without sex (especially after reading how "happy" couples have sex at least weekly), even without pressuring my W for sex, is it ok to go before saying something about how hurt and unwanted I feel? 2 months? 3? How long should a marriage be sex-starved before it's ok to even want to do something about it?
I made an appointment for me with a counselor just now at a nearby counseling office for next Tuesday. I can't wait. It feels like forever, and it has nothing to do with my W. It also means more than another week not just without the closeness of sex, but knowing that's what it will be.
Listen, and maybe this is selfish, but I'll be completely honest, my W not wanting to ML with me for a month absolutely vaporized my self worth. I'm not suicidal or anything, I just can't believe how much that can hurt. I didn't pressure her, but she sure as hell didn't approach me since, well, I don't know when. Maybe our wedding night this past October. It's electrifying to me when she does that.
I think if we could fix the sex issue, for me, everything else wouldn't just fall into place, but it would be more perfect than ever. I don't put ultimatums on it (I've even read stuff like that here), I haven't said anything like, "it's sex with me or I'm gone to find a new partner." I've been patient (all while dealing internally with this pain of rejection) longer than it sounds like the vast majority of sex-starved partners have been able to do, all while being nice about it and not asking or begging for it.
You're right about the title of the post. And the title says it all, I think. We were having great sex. We got married, now it's gone, and she controls it, not to spite me but without even realizing it until I told her how hurt I was she no longer wanted to have sex with me.
So what do I do? How much is acceptable to say is too little sex before I'm just a bad person for wanting it so badly to be like it was when we first married, when we dated, or the way millions of "happy, healthy" couples are all over the country? If I want to have sex once a week with the woman I love so much, am I a bad person for not being able to wait 6 months to have sex again, let alone as "often" as once a week?
I guess the big question is what now? What do I do for the next week? Be the same nice guy and get no sleep at night while I try to pretend I don't feel crushed trying to sleep with this woman who treats me like a roommate more than a husband? I feel like I'm breaking----I apologize if I sound weak, but I feel weak, I feel so stupid, I feel like I can't tell if I'm allowed to want to ML with my W or not. I keep hearing 90-95% of the couples Michele deals with have experienced infidelity; it makes my situation feel so trivial and then I feel worse for it because I haven't cheated.
