Okay, so let's jump to Tuesday and your scheduled time to talk. I really don't think the sex is the answer here, so that's my input on what not to bring up. To me, the glaring issue is that whenever you attempt to ask for answers, she dismisses you and either deliberately or as a consequence, dismisses your feelings about whatever changes have tilted your world upside down. Is that a fair observation?
My thoughts were be to start with whatever has introduced this change into your life and see where that goes. As a woman, it seems to me as though your sex life is the casualty of whatever is really the issue here.
BTW, if I were in your shoes, I'd be pretty pissed - and if I had to ask for something... anything... to give, it would be to request a reasonable time frame to discuss any elephants in the living room. There's a reason she's avoiding this "conflict".
Again, I seriously doubt it's about the sex.
Betsey
Thanks Betsey.
For me, it is about the sex. I mean, at least in a big way, if for no other reason than I have everything else I want.
And I think for her, that's what it feels like------she didn't want to have sex with me for a long time, then when it got to the point where I was so hurt that I said something about it, then it became a sex-only issue. I'm afraid she thinks I'm trying to use her V as a bargaining chip or something, like she owes it to me.
Of course, I've never said anything like that, nor let it slide when she says that, nor have I pressured her or have we had ANY sex since then (which would be considered pressured). I sure do read a lot here about people who do anyway. My wife just doesn't. It's hard to imagine she didn't feel pressured to have sex with her X's who she did actually have sex with more than me.
But it feels like a catch 22.
If I get angry about anything, even the slightest bit upset about anything, it's because I feel so rejected and alone and unwanted sexually.
So when I hear Michele talking about her husband getting upset with her any time she mentions about his driving or even just holding tightly onto the door frame, I can't help but think that is that unhealthy or unreasonable?
For example, is Michele's husband completely out of line? Does his getting upset at her doing that make him abusive?
Because here's the deal----I never get that upset. Part of me wants to, and yeah, I get upset about it sometimes the more it hurts but usually I just walk away and do something else until I forget, rather than persist or yell or fight about it. Am I abusive? She says I have an anger management problem, but if that's the case do I owe it to Michele to get her husband into anger management therapy because he's worse than me?
And how long do I wait in the meantime? Michele's book says to try a few weeks without sex just to see and focus on other things that may be the problem. Well, it's been, hell, I don't know anymore. Is 3 weeks enough? Because it's actually closer to two months now, and about one month since I initially even mentioned anything, all while being good, being patient, holding it in, paying the bills, rubbing her feet, listening, watching TV with her, everything it sounds like other guys do wrong.
So I guess my next goal has to be anger management classes? And if they say I don't actually have anger management issues, then what?
I don't know what to do. If I COULD be celibate, none of this would matter; everything would be as fine as Michele says it is for couples who are perfectly without sex. It would be weird; we both liked sex before we met, now it feels like it's just me while I'm haunted by the jewelry of her ex's and the lingere she wore for other men and never for me.
I don't know what to say to her tomorrow. Sex IS a problem----isn't it ok to talk about it? I know it should be, but it isn't, not for my W, at least not with me. So I don't know what to say. ANY time I say the wrong words, it doesn't matter what I meant---she stops me and says things like, "see!" I'm terrified of tomorrow. Why can't I just be happy and sexless?
Like, I read what you suggested to say, but I apologize, I don't know what to say still. Like, if something changed on my behalf before her birthday and her response was to only stop having sex with me and no other changes, then what? At what point do I get to ask why she wants to take my money, my time, hug and kiss me, but not ever have sex? I can't sleep in the bed next to her because that's the worst feeling, but I can't sleep in the other room because then I'm finally being an a-hole about something. I'm trapped.
