Sorry if you think I jumped ship - I didn't. I just wasn't online at all this weekend. It's probably a good thing...
Anyway, thanks for filling in some stuff. I really don't know where to start because so much of what you wrote is making my neurons fire left and right.
I first want to say to you as reassurance that this is not all your fault. Do you realize this? I really am encouraged for you to read about what you've learned, absorbed and committed to making yourself better. Keep doing that! No matter how this chapter ends, it will serve you well going forward.
One of the big things I got from your updates is that you are both conflict avoiders. You're not the only one who engages in passive aggressive tactics. Out of curiosity, have you read anything on that topic? I was married to someone who has these tendencies, and it is a damn difficult dynamic to deal with. I have one called "Living with the Passive Aggressive Man" by Scott Wetzler. But here's a link to an article about the nature of passive agressiveness: Psychology behind passive aggressiveness.
Without droning on with my own armchair psychobabble, you might find some nuggets of wisdom by reading it. My XH simply was not allowed to voice any (and I mean ALL) negative emotions within his family of origin. His father is Norwegian and mother was German, and although he was loved, he was not allowed to express anything but agreement with whatever was happening or any decision made by them for him. It made him affable and fun to be with, but the danger lurking under the surface was something that took years from his own happiness by his own design. And it killed intimacy between us, because the more P/A he became, the more angry I became.
I also realized a little while into my marriage that there was one condition that they could discuss "unpleasant" or "conflicting" thoughts: under the influence of alcohol. I was very confused by this one myself - it made me afraid of being with him while he was drinking. I wasn't afraid physically, but it was when he was drinking that he would discuss heavy emotional stuff with me and then not remember too much of it when he was dead sober. It made communicating pretty difficult.
Back to you. So... from the start, I can see conversations that should have been solution oriented and fairly simple that became the wedges of resentment between you two. Whatever was bothering her came out in her nagging you. And in turn, her nagging and unwillingness to sit down with you and budget started a ball rolling that was left to roll down a hill quickly.
And let me say this: I honestly believe that you can both overcome this stuff to create something different, better and healthy down the road. I think the initial 3 observations came out in your posts, and if you can build a way to communicate safely and effectively, you might be able to restore the trust that was lost along the way. The big question is if this is what she wants? And is she committed enough to do the same with you?
Interesting thing we share: a counselor who took our sides and left the other one unwilling to open up as a result. However, I can also see in my own case that my XH was as unwilling to bring up the stuff that was bothering him as much as he didn't want to change himself: he wanted ME to do all the changing to suit HIM. Ultimately, it took me years to realize this and it was the foundation I had to forgive myself for expressing my unhappiness to the point where he moved out.
So... that's just personal observation and not necessarily a projection on you, okay?
I'm interested to see your thoughts on the article and if anything resonates with you.
Please bear with me, as I've got a crazy week at work and home.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
