Ok here we go part two

[GoatGal]

"For me it was a co worker who was going through hard times , D and children troubles. She valued my input and we talked often. If felt so good to have someone ask my opinion. w never asked my opinion. Right from the beginning. That's not a shot. It's a truth. So in the very typical male mind I was flattered to have a woman seek me out and ask for help. And stupidly I never associated it with an A. " because we weren't physical". But reflection has me asking myself a question and already knowing the answer. " if I thought it was fine why did I keep it from W?" Arrrg cause somewhere in my gut I knew it wasn't fine!"

FYI: This is EXACTLY, to the letter, how my H described how he got involved with a woman at work!
This is how an EA goes to a PA.
People don't (usually) just go: "You're hot! Let's go a hotel and lie to our spouses!"

My H started sharing with HER on a level that was inappropriate.
He started talking to HER about his feelings, hopes and dreams, instead of talking to his wife about personal things.
He has told me this is how it started.
She was "vulnerable".
She had "problems" that she needed "him" to "help" with and be a shoulder to cry on.

She was needy enough that he felt superior and thus more able to share those parts of himself that he kept from me, because he "did not feel comfortable".
(Those were his words, and he still says he doesn't understand "why that is." I believe him.)

And on some level he might have recognized where it "crossed the line", when he didn't talk about her with me the way he did about other co-workers.
But at that point, I was really not his #1 priority.

When he withheld information, when it started to become "secret".

When SHE became the person he looked forward to seeing and talking to. When she was the one who started to get the first call in the morning, the last text at night.
When she was the one who he called over three hundred times in one month, and texted thousands of times... I looked at the phone records in the beginning, and in that particular month, he called me FIVE TIMES, texted me rarely.
I felt ill.
This is BEFORE the PA ever happened. They were working up to it. (But there I digress, it's my pain calling...)


Right there is where it goes wrong..

Why he felt he couldn't/didn't want to talk to me on that level is something I'm trying to figure out...and see if I can see myself to blame anywhere.

Not to beat myself up, just to open that line of communication if he felt it was closed due to my actions.

And the fact that he didn't want to/was able to, share himself with ME, the one who loved him and had bonded my life to his... this fact is hurtful to me.

That's the kind of relationship I have always wanted with him.

So him opening up to some woman at work who ended up being a blip on the radar (which downed our plane) is hard to accept sometimes.

I always wanted his opinion... valued it.

He just never seemed to want to voice it.
So that's what I'm exploring now.
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"I'm starting to really hate this self examination ;-) "

That's funny. I originally read this as "I'm really starting to LIKE this self-examination"!!! I think because that's what I've been feeling.
I am learning a LOT.

Sometimes it's hard to see ourselves as others see us.

But I think you are doing an incredible job of not shutting down and walking away from all this. It's got to be painful... you have courage to keep pushing forward.

I apologize for hi-jacking your thread, if that's what I have done.
My goal is to share my thoughts...hopefully they are helpful.

--GG