I must be nuts to still have hope

[RedHawk98]

I took the job regardless of her stance, as the job I was in was sucking my self esteem dry. As well as contributing to my financial troubles with it's poor pay.

[sandi2]

Not a good situation at all.

Indeed! I would advise any and all to never move into a house with another family. It is a marriage killer.

[Oxford1]

Not a good situation at all.

Indeed! I would advise any and all to never move into a house with another family. It is a marriage killer.

I have to agree with Sandi here.
My wife and I had an interesting dance throughout our marriage, but i think the real troubles started when she moved her father in without even consulting me. He was a very over bearing domineering man. Everyone used to say if he murdered someone if front of my wife and her sister they would say it was somebody else dressed like him...

He eventually started to act like his daughter was his wife and my house was his...

Thus began the destruction of my marriage.

Anyhow, your story with your wife leaving is similar to mine. The difference is mine moved home for my son, started to reconnect with me ( all fake) and went back to visit OM in his country....

I would be really careful letting her back in while the affair is ongoing...I am in loads of pain right now and would hate to see anyone else go through what I am...o feel for you brother...I really do...

[RedHawk98]

Sorry to hear of you story there. I feel for you too.
Nothing like a Wayard Spouse can make us tear ourselves apart for the answers.
I literally rebuilt myself from the ground up.

Thank you for the advice and believe me, there is absolutely no way I will entertain any talk of the future unless the OW has been kicked to the curb.
That and her bitchy jealous friend that validates all of her atrocious behaviour towards me.

Anything I do is a waste of time when they are on the scene. I learned that the hard way.

One day, both of ours will realise they made a very bad decision. Whether they will be able to make ammends by that time still is anybody's guess.

Truth be told, after a year now, I'm tired of her sh*t.

[Oxford1]

Sorry to hear of you story there. I feel for you too.
Nothing like a Wayard Spouse can make us tear ourselves apart for the answers.
I literally rebuilt myself from the ground up.

Thank you for the advice and believe me, there is absolutely no way I will entertain any talk of the future unless the OW has been kicked to the curb.
That and her bitchy jealous friend that validates all of her atrocious behaviour towards me.

Anything I do is a waste of time when they are on the scene. I learned that the hard way.

One day, both of ours will realise they made a very bad decision. Whether they will be able to make ammends by that time still is anybody's guess.

Truth be told, after a year now, I'm tired of her sh*t.

My WS and her OM have these friends out in New Mexico, they are all on their third and fourth marriages. The OM best friend is a woman who married one of these guys and it was her first husband she was like forty something and uuuggglllyyy....that is how my wife described her.

They so support the affair that they attack me! They told my wife I called and harassed them on voice mail...when I told her to ask for the message to be played it had mysteriously been deleted!!

Talk about POS friends!

I keep hoping that one of his friends in Israel mess up and bring up one of his other affairs...

[RedHawk98]

They all mess up eventually and realise their mistake. It's really a question of how stubborn they are.
I can see in my wife's eyes that she knows she has made a mistake. I can tell when she trieds to talk herself out of any feelings that come back when we spend time together.

Supportive friends encourage our wayward spouses for their own selfish needs. They like the drama of it all. There's the jealousy that drives them.

Just now I can tell a trap has been sprung. One of the friends of the wife's family FB messaged me. Pleading ignorance of our separation. Then claims
"Oh I can flirt with you now!"

Gimme a break! How dumb do they think I am?!

[Oxford1]

They all mess up eventually and realise their mistake. It's really a question of how stubborn they are.
I can see in my wife's eyes that she knows she has made a mistake. I can tell when she trieds to talk herself out of any feelings that come back when we spend time together.

Supportive friends encourage our wayward spouses for their own selfish needs. They like the drama of it all. There's the jealousy that drives them.

Just now I can tell a trap has been sprung. One of the friends of the wife's family FB messaged me. Pleading ignorance of our separation. Then claims
"Oh I can flirt with you now!"

Gimme a break! How dumb do they think I am?!

Hey I know, be very careful with that flirt!

Funny thing is I really think people on his side are trying to help him get her away from me...they are posting things on line now and saying it's me.

[theoden]

RedHawk,

Wow...sorry for your pain and suffering. Sounds like you don't have children, which in this case, is a blessing.

It sounds like there were some stresses in your marriage, and your wife wanted you to "man-up": regain your confidence, take interest in your appearance, find a better job. You failed to do so in a timely manner -- so she decided to confide in her boss (an alpha male who seems successful) and he steals her from you.

Here are some things for you to consider:

1. Do you want to be married to and build your life with someone who puts demands on you for change and if you fail to do so, will cheat on you? This is a major character flaw on her part. The problem with the "get-a-life" philosophy is there is no respite from it. You will always be on eggshells performing for a woman who has demonstrated that she leaves when you fail to meet her expectations. I have gotten to know 3 "successful" divorce busting men who changed their life around in order to win back their wives. It worked for a year or two. When they started slipping back in their normal behavior their wives cheated on them again and left them. They are all divorced now. For classic Divorce-busting to work, your cheating spouse needs to acknowledge how terrible she has been, how much she hurt you and how remorseful she is. In other words, SHE needs to change. Classic divorce recovery therapy like "After the Affair" by Janis Spring will tell you as much. If she is being drawn back by the "new and improved" RedHawk she will cheat again unless you remain *flawlessly* new and improved. (good luck with that). The power will always remain in her hands unless SHE really wants to fight for your marriage.

2. Stop trying to win her back. Stop inviting her back into your life. She doesn't really think she'll ever lose you: you will ALWAYS be there for her. Proceed with the divorce, move on with you life, stop looking back. When you STOP caring about what she thinks she MIGHT notice. The best "last resort technique" and "get a life" strategy is to REALLY move on, not LOOK like you are.

3. If you want a more humorous approach on divorcing a cheater, have a look at the website called Chump Lady. It's funny and cathartic.

4. If you don't have kids -- again -- count your blessings. You might actually be able to move on from this.

--Theoden

[RedHawk98]

Some very good points there Theoden.

I was under a lot of strain, and the requests my wife made mere days before the passing of my grandfather were unreasonable to say the least. Not including the relentless harrassment from my grandfather's other daughter.

I will raise my hands and admit that I wanted to protect my wife from much of the stress I was under, and the facts themselves. This was my major mistake.

I can say with all honesty that I will never revert back to where I was. I have done too much to make a happier future for myself to allow any of this to hapoen again.

"Alpha Male" would be a very inaccurate description of her boss. We are talking creepy, manipulative supermarket manager here. Who will dive into a shop doorway when he sees me.

I made the changes in my life for both of us. Changes we both wanted.
So they will stick. With or without her.

[MrBond]

So let me get this straight. She stayed with you through your depression and other issuess while you ignored her, yet you say she doesn't have what it takes to "save a marriage"? Stop blaming her. The only reason why you're upset is because she's taking care of herself for a change and the OM is filling the void that you left. Her staying with you while all you did was think of yourself, was her trying to save the marriage. You just ignored it.

Get real. What do you expect someone to do if you treat them like that? Let's face it...you wouldn't have had your "rude awakening" if she didn't leave you. You would have continued to do what you wanted to do despite how she felt.

You're changing from taking responsibility to blameshifting. In your current attitude you're not going to save your M. If you really think that badly of her despite everything that she did stay with you through, then go ahead and file the paperwork and move on. Don't continue to bash her.