The answer is, you don't know the answer. That's fine.
And it may not be so, just a thought at reaching better understanding. If it is true, it's not something you can fix.
Some arguments are abusive, others aren't.
As Roberta asked, have you read the SSM book?
Do you know how her other Rs ended and why?
I don't know exactly how her other Rs ended or why. What everyone, including my W, has said about her past is she dated jerks or had too much drama, etc. I know one she spoke of once just wouldn't make time to see her. She was in love with him but he lived overseas and when he visited the states he wouldn't see her enough or something. I don't really know. All I know is she keeps a necklace and I found out from her old best friend that it's from that guy. When she breezes past a picture of another guy she used to date she'll say "oh, skip that" in a condescending way, she's mentioned he was a jerk too. I know she had sex with guys in places like the lake, or box seats at a hockey game, or in a car, or all kinds of places I never have and now it sounds like never will. She had spontaneous sex with guys who didn't love her, while I can't get her to want to have sex with me no matter what I do.
Yesterday she mentioned she's not really feeling any differently since she turned 50 two months ago. We haven't had sex then, but one of the things I mentioned earlier in this thread is that I thought it might be a major hormonal change or an emotional reaction to turning 50, possibly even depression or something that would make my action plan change from Michele's book.
It now sounds like none of that is the case. She was pretty deliberate about saying she doesn't feel like she's changed since turning 50, which leads me to now believe once again that she just plain doesn't want to have sex with me.
And that hurts.
She went to the pool Saturday, I cleaned the house and finished a commissioned painting. She was thrilled with the house cleaning. Thrilled. She said with a smile she felt guilty that she didn't do all of that stuff instead of me, but she liked it and it needed to get done-----it's also not like this is a one-off; I clean the house more than anyone else, only this time I also mopped the kitchen and hall, which I hadn't done in too long, probably 3 months. I also did the dishes, laundry, dusting, cleaned the fridge, just normal stuff that isn't out of the ordinary for me.
No progress on a counselor. I got her to say we can talk Tuesday night at dinner; that way at least now we're both prepared and see it coming. But I haven't mentioned sex since the first time and now I'm scared to, honestly. I'm afraid she'll say, again, that now I'm "pressuring" her. I don't know how you can be pressured to do anything unless it's something you don't want to do, so to me, that means she simply doesn't want to have sex with me. She still loves touching, holding hands, little kisses, hugs, all of that. She needs those things.
But it feels like we're roommates. I don't know if I should say that. I frankly don't know what to say; I'm terrified I'll say the wrong thing and no matter how good I am or how many things I'm not doing wrong that I've read other people doing wrong here (arguing about it, pressuring W or H to have sex outright and/or having sex because of that pressure, threatening to cheat or leave, actually having any kind of an affair, etc.), it's just going to be seen as me treating her like an object or something.
Truth is, I feel like the object. I am the roommate. I'm the bill-payer, the cleaning lady, the romantic neighbor, the chapperone, the cook, everything but the lover. And I don't know what to say to her tomorrow night. I sit in bed and I'm alone. It's exactly like Michele says, only my W doesn't respond to questions the same way the men and women in her book do. I'm trapped in a sexless marriage that's otherwise perfectly good, just completely sexless.
Is it not ok to feel selfish about wanting to make love with my wife? AM I a jerk for wanting to make love to the only person I promised to be with forever just 8 months ago?
