Trying to save (not sure if broken or bent) p2

[SemperFi00]

Labug and CES, hope that you both ahd a good weekend.

Thanks for helping firm up the definition and continuing to ask the difficult and insightful questions…

W was at sister’s house this weekend from Sat mid morn thru Sun morn so had some time to think and process some feelings. Below are some thoughts around how I see each of the characteristics given ourt current situation.

I am not exactly sure what actions this will drive to yet, but I feel that having thought through this will be important at some point.

Love contains trust,

I don’t feel as much trust as I did before in the so I guess this is a little strained at the moment. I never used to think about or wonder if she was telling me truth, if she was sharing everything with me, never wondered about what she was saying to children when I was not around, etc….

Her sister routinely teaches/allows her girls how to deceive their father and that it is ok to withhold information. We had talked before and agreed that this was not a good approach to parenting but now it feels like W sometimes tries to do the same with our boys on occasion.

Feels to me at times like she is almost competing for their affection and trying to “win” their love – or may maybe trying to lessen some guilt on her part

Love contains honesty

I have been open and honest about feelings, emotions, what I would like to have etc. than ever before. Used to be kind of “roll with the flow”/defer unless I really felt very strongly about something. Not sure if W is being completely honest or not -

Love contains openness

on my end I feel that I have been open with W and she knows how I feel about things, I suppose she has been open also in some areas but secretive in others. And if not, given some of the things that she has said done, I am not sure that I am ready for her to be any more open.

Love contains compassion

I have a great deal of compassion and empathy for what W is going thru – feeling this is one of the large contributing factors to my still standing. Unsure whether she has any compassion for what this experience is creating for me and the boys - or would allow herself to feel it if she did. When asked (many moons ago during beginning stages) she would say it will be tough on everyone but it will be better for all in the end if she is happier….. i.e. kids can’t be happy when she is not and feels this way.

Love contains intimacy(both physical and emotional)

nothing, zip, nada, nyet

Love contains affection

unsure, I try to show W some affection in ways that seem appropriate given the situation (being supportive and patient, doing “house chores”, continuing to support financially, making some changes that I think in the past she may have been alluding to, etc…). In her own way she may view some of the things she continues to do as affection (“house chores”, getting things at the grocery store that she knows I like, making dinners, etc…)

Love contains acceptance of the other for just who they are

right now struggle with being supportive of W as she currently is, I think prior to this accepting of who she was and looked past some of the frustrating characteristics, until this started I would assume that she must have done the same in reverse and then decided she no longet wanted to do that???

Love contains respect for the needs of the other

unsure, I am working on being respectful of what W says she needs right now (time, space, independence). I don’t feel very respected by W at the moment. Wonder though if part of this is really that I am not respecting myself more and am allowing myself to be treated this way? Similar to how I think my mother treated my father.

Love contains patience.

on my end I think that so far I have shown a remarkable amount of patience and restraint, to be fair she has also shown a great deal of patience in not leaving if she truly feels the way she feels and believes that her happiness lies in no longer be M to me.

Apologies for the long post - told you that I had some time this weekend to think & process........