KGirl - Movin' On and Out!

[Ggrass]

Mine hadn't spoken in months, well with an ow, why would he need to?

For me I need a formal agreement, as when he does talk he contradicts himself. I want it written I want it sorted. I want it negotiated in a more fair manner than his way of I owe him.

[KGirl]

GoatGal - Oh these H's Mine also thought it would be fine to con't to live together until "things were settled." Whenever I'd be frustrated about an aspect of me moving out, he'd say "YOU'RE the one that decided to move." He wouldn't leave because he wants the house (which is fine with me). Even though things weren't hostile, it was too emotionally difficult for me, like you said. I do wonder still if it was a good idea, if it will be even harder now to R, etc. But, it's doubtful he'd be able to come to a decision one way or the other while I was there. I felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time, and holding my tongue when he said something ridiculous about our situation. Now I'm free to be me, I guess, even though it is sad and hard.

[KGirl]

Does anyone have some tips or thoughts on overcoming or dealing w/ the embarassment/shame that goes with all of this? Now that I've moved it's harder to cover things up or hide it. On Friday I had scheduled internet installation...and, surprise! The installer was someone I went to high school with. Our hometown is an hour away so I certainly did not expect the past to catch up with me. He asked how I was, how H was, etc. I said "actually, I don't know much about how he is....I'm here, he is not." Then it got all awkward and he said "oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know you guys weren't together." Then when we were loading up the moving truck yesterday, a work colleague who leaves nearby was out walking and said "oh, so this is your house! You're still moving things in?" We bought it a year and a half ago so I guess that's possible...but no. I said "This is the house, yes. But actually I'm moving out." Again, awkwardness and a hurried "Oh.. OK. I'm sorry." and then she speedwalked away.

It's probably best to keep it simple and just say "We're separated. I've moved." But I don't like that people might think it's my fault and find myself wanting to explain more. What do you say to make it as less awkward as possible? And again... how do you get over being embarassed and just shrug it off? I wish I could have someone just go notify everyone I know so that I don't have to!

[labug]

Does it matter what they think, even if they think of it at all? I know, I went through that, "What will the neighbors think?" and became much stronger when I realized it was none of their business what was going on in my private life and, what they thought of me was none of my business.

I found that my life wasn't as interesting to others and my mind would have me believe.

[labug]

H has texted me 5 times already tonight - random questions like "Do you know where the big flashlight is? How many trips did you have to make to move? Were there a lot of neighbors outside?" I waited awhile before responding and then answered as briefly as possible.

I'm feeling like just being alone and not getting out and doing things. I know I should make an effort to do so because being alone while being depressed will just make it worse. I had the thought today "I don't feel like going on my vacation at the end of the month anymore. Maybe I should postpone it." I don't want to force myself to do something I don't feel like doing...maybe I'll feel better at the end of the month. Just thinking of getting up and going to get the rest of my stuff out of the car seems very difficult right now.

Slow down! You're right, you don't know how you'll feel at the end of the month but if you decide today you're going to be depressed then, most likely you will be.

Stop the texting back and forth. He throws that hook out and you bite it, every time. Let it float right by you. All of his sharing is about getting his needs met and has nothing to do with you or your needs. He has an IC to share with and work out his issues. Gently remind him of that when he starts unloading on you.

Allow yourself to settle into the new place and the new reality but make a goal to do something new each day, even if it's just a walk around the new neighborhood.

You've got this.

[Georgiabelle]

K-Girl,

Congrats on the move! I hope you are getting settled in. Who cares what the neighbors think? It's not their life. In regards to your h texting, unless it is really and truly something that requires a response, don't respond. He wants space-give it to him. He wants to find himself-give him time to look in the mirror. He wants to see if the grass is greener-let him go for a walk.

And I have an observation. I am a very logical person so I admit this is truly difficult to wrap my head around. I keep reading these stories where the WAS says something like "I remember the time you didn't make me chicken for dinner and that made me doubt that you ever cared about me." And the WAS thinks this is a defining moment of the relationship. I'm not trying to sound flip, however, I hear countless stories about this one incident that propelled the spouse over the edge.My own h was "traumatized" by the family vacation. Your h was upset about a restaurant choice. I realize it is so much more complicated than that, however this baffles me. I understand we are all different and everyone has a different mental makeup. However, I wonder if someone is truly that fragile, can they ever have a long lasting relationship? Do they harbor these feelings towards everyone after incidents such as ones we have read? I know. I'm trying to rationalize the unexplainable. Just wondered if anyone else thought that too....

K-Girl, I think you are doing great. Focus on you. Give it all up to the universe and you will be great:)

[KGirl]

Thanks, GB! Things are moving along. I don't have to go back to work until Wed., so I'm taking my time unpacking along with some breaks. Yesterday I went on an adventure to a Subway that's within walking distance for dinner, and this morning I sat on the balcony w/ my coffee and watched the construction guys patch the sidewalk

H texted me AGAIN asking if I was sure I didn't want to take care of the cat/get the mail for him while he's gone for the next couple of weeks. He's never told me exactly what he's doing, but I know from way back when I was in snoop mode that he's going to a work conference (over our anniversary.. sigh), flying to the east coast to help his sister move back to the midwest (her H is in the military and had to go to Saudi Arabia for a year, so she and her three kids are moving back here to be closer to family - from hearing H on the phone it sounds like he got roped in to helping her wrangle the kids on the drive back here), and going with a friend to Chicago. I don't really feel bad that he's having trouble finding someone to watch the cat. He knew he was going on all these trips. Some of them were arranged before I decided to move but it's not like he confirmed w/ me at the time that I'd be here and willing to do that. He just went ahead and made his plans. Not my problem.

GB - When I read "do they harbor these feelings towards everyone after incidents such as the ones we have read?", I had an AH-HA! moment. This is something H's family does ALL. THE. TIME. And it wouldn't surprise me if he picked up on it. For example - H always said his immediate family "hated" a particular aunt and they never spoke to her or talked to her. She and her family were not invited to our wedding. Eventually I asked what the deal was with that, and he said he didn't know, so he asked his mom. Turns out that maybe 20+ years ago, his aunt didn't shake his dad's hand at some church event where you're supposed to shake everyone's hand around you. His immediate family (minus him I would suppose because he'd be too young!) was very offended... thus they still to this day do not associate with her. It made absolutely no sense to me! I told H that was kind of ridiculous and now I see that not being "on his side" didn't help things. But I really don't see how that one incident results in another 10 years of dislike and ostracizing. One time a different aunt wore a skirt to a wedding and for many weddings afterwards in future years, there was talk about whether aunt so and so would be so audacious as to wear "separates" to a wedding. I don't know what is behind all this (trying to feel better about themselves by putting others down? thinking they are better than others but really have low self-esteem?) but YES, it's very characteristic of his family to take one moment or situation and define a relationship based on that.

[KGirl]

I have a logistical dilemma -

I need a couch. I guess I don't NEED it like I need food and water, but it would be nice to have something to sit on and watch TV. H has all the couches for reasons too long for this post It would make sense to order a couch when I order bedroom furniture (which H also has, but will pay for my portion that I need) so I can just have one delivery fee. My concern is - what if it's a waste of money because I could end up moving back? Do I go ahead and act as if I'm never going back to the house and get what I need now, or wait awhile and see how things go? How long, then, do I wait? I'm having a hard time knowing what steps to take next.

[Thornton]

Get the new furniture. You can always sale it if things work out. You need to make your WAH feel like he is losing you.

He wanted you gone? Fine, you moved. You took care of yourself. You are confident and unwavering. You are going to have the best life ever. You're not afraid (if you are, act as if).

Buying or not buying furniture will not play any role in the recon of your marriage. If anything, it adds a little pressure to WAH.

Plus, new furniture will not be a reminder of WAH. Its win-win!

[Georgiabelle]

Buy what you need and like it.

I hope you reconcile with your h if that's what you truly want. However, think about this. Your h has much work to do on himself. It will take a great deal of time and it remains to be seen whether or not he does that.

Keep focusing on K-Girl. Hope you are enjoying the new place!