ya know- little tiny (TINY) hopeful things aside - i can't see what i'm doing here be sides still STILLLLLL trying to wean myself off my particular "addiction". It is amazing how "good" this thing(h) can make me feel - and how "bad" sometimes - and (maybe overall???) how bad long range (uncertainty & anticipation). My notion of what i had and what i thought my life would be. i see what it's become - and for this minute i guess i accept that because i am still here and coping along - keeping my trap shut. it's got to be this way with any addiction when your brain and your cravings are at war. yikes!!
i guess something to acknowledge about one's own personality- that love addiction streak i've got.
but i still think overall- my r now - is not "for me" in the end (as it is) and not "good for me" now or in the end. stress-level wise. it's this underlying "thing" of course in the background of all of our lives. i do get it that nobody's life is totally problem free- and it is my "turn" to have chaos - uh hem - is it done yet????
I was reading raine's thread a bit this morning. wow and what a hopeful story. I like it alot- it makes me have hope- then i remember not so good to go "there" maybe. same old thing isn't it- good to hope? bad to have expectations or even think things can "go back". and then ya wonder howcome ya feel nuts alot of the time. i have to laugh about this even tho i'm alone.
I have to compare me to some of my favorite smokers- most days it seems possible to quit right up to the minute they take the first cigarette of the day. (a friend told me her husband said this of his alcoholism ) me too- i think i'm detaching- i am teeny by teeny- the increments seem so small- almost unseeable. i know they're there because of my emotional response to things that would decimate me before. so yay- me taking one less "cigarette" a day. i wonder today if it will ever "end" or be anything different. but then- no stinkin expectations huh?
h will show up here tomorrow - we'll go on a trip - he'll be fun & charming - i'll be fun and charming- wtf?????? i'll remember what a pleasant life we make together (and rethink ending it all ) - he'll have fun but it will not sink into his head for one minute that i'd ever GO - & that he's killin it ...etc, etc etc. WHATTA JOKE HUH?
i found myself just before thinking about old things i could have handled better - really really old old old prehistoric things. wondering if 'THIS" OR 'THAT" WAS the culprit- - omg - stop that rite now . i'm sure it all contributed - bt what about alllllllllllllllll the good junk?
could ya die- digging up ancient little things from 20 years ago- and wodnering if this was the beginning or that.
like my sister that drank herself to death- a person could go completely crazy wondering where we all "failed" her in 55 years . and if we did, etc. I AM NOt going to re-inspect a lifetime of tiny steps that any particular one could have meant something else -
i do not usually indulge in this kind of junk - it's alllll soooo DONE AND OVER - her, mom. i guess "in the end" i'll view this whole mlc thing the same way. put it away somewhere on a shelf and never ever shake it out and look for all the little moth holes. ya gotta hope that the other person knew & saw your love & and was happy to have it- and know about it- and if they couldn't use it to make them happy or to help save themselves - oh well huh???
i'm gonna quit this - go eat something goopie (maybe make some old (american version) oatmeal scone drenched in butter and jam - feel "cozy" because it's chillie and raining like mad outside and clean this messy house - and get on with the day.
i'm getting mighty impatient with this all - h's smug detachment- sure, he's "got it all" rite now - but every dog has it's day - huh???? wondering when and where it all will end.
wanna feel "free" of the crappola.
Thank you and have a nice day & drive thru please...
