[LoisB]

And in one sense they are the victim, when they were much younger stuff happened to them.

They ARE victims. I agree. I sometimes think I would be horrified if I was a fly on the wall watching when H was a little guy. His mother is truly horrible.

The thing we NEED to remember for our own sanity...We didn't do the VICTIMIZING.

No matter how imperfect we were in the marriage. We aren't the source of this pain/frustration/anger.

The thing that stands out for me is how angry my xh is, still is, nine years on, he feels short changed by life. He is so angry and doesn't recognise it at all.

Bea, he's angry with himself. Can you imagine, nine years later, to see you and these great grown kids and know that you were a centimeter away from having it ALL. And, YOU threw it away. You did that. The burden of that reality must be like carrying an elephant 24/7...whether he can see it or not. It's added to his already scarred up soul.

He can't hide from that truth because it IS THE TRUTH. So, he stirs things up. He sounds like a man who wants desperately for a court of law or some jury to finally say, "You were right in your actions. You're aren't a bad guy."

But, sadly, he IS the bad guy...and the victim. He threw his family away. That marks your soul and can't be erased. Maybe not ever without some redemption and deep soul-repair.

He may never have the courage to really look inwards. He let himself down along with everyone else. So sad that he can't acknowledge the things that happened long ago that created these painful chains he carries.