Hi Luke I have a better perspective today thanks you are right. there was much that was good about the weekend.
Short version of 10 years ago.. 14 years ago we met here 12 years ago we moved back to Australia I did not settle there well, after being away I felt foreign, people were critical, my father died. I complained a lot ( So I now hear)I advocated strongly to come back to Germany. he was reluctant but agreed We said we do 10 years here then go back- seemed like a compromise. We were married. he has permanent residency there.
Now he say I destroyed his trust because he thought it was forever. He said I planned not to stay ( which is not true I thought is was forever too) He accuses me of making him move so he could see it was awful? Destroyed his dreams, they are burnt earth and there is no going back. We did not go back last year because he could not find a job he wanted to do.I did not push because he appeared to be stressed .. actually now I know it was the beginning of the depression.Now he gets angry if I say if we divorce I will go home? I say then come with me and around we go.. broken dreams , no trust..
He also has an issue with being controlled and I am getting much better at not pushing that particular button.. takes silence..
My take is he was depressed, stared an affair and now needs to justify it..
I am reading a book or actually working through one called The Solo Partner.I suspect it is out of print.. The author discusses emotional reactivity and blame and pursuing.. it has really hit home on a number of levels.
On the weekend he started with his sarcasm and the monologue thing he has started to do where he talks both sides of an unpleasant conversation.. accusing me of not being able to make up my mind when I said "both options are fine with me, what did he really want." The book talked about not reacting emotionally.. so I just looked at him and listened ( normally i would apologise and make excuses..ect.. babble I call it) I worked at keeping an expression of listening and thoughtfulness not sad and threatened and you know it worked.. he began to apologise for what he was saying and explaining that he needs to do that sort of thing at work .. I call that a victory..
and he is taking a week to help with the move and is paying half.. so things could be worse?
