I had an affair... and I want my Fiancee back

[DBinSF]

Thanks, Sandi2, and others...

To explain, the sex with my Fiancee was good, it just wasn't all that exciting. I had a hard time getting an erection for the first month or so. It very quickly became routine, whereas it was always exciting with the OW.

I'm learning a lot with my therapist and in the Sex Addiction meetings (NOTE: my therapist says it's unclear whether I'm actually an addict b/c I was able to stop all sexual behavior cold turkey when this all went down. I'm not using sex or masturbation as a coping behavior at all right now)

What my therapist thinks is that I actually find sex that is based on love and real connection more difficult to engage with. I have walls up -- fears about true intimacy. This makes a lot of sense. The more my Fiancee wanted to talk about kids or planning our life together, the more I wanted to escape to this frivolous affair. The OW was married (albeit in an open R), so it felt "safe" from the perspective of I'd never have to worry about her wanting to make me commit. And I was wrong on that point, b/c she ended up wanting to leave her H for me.

Anyway, I have intimacy issues, and I'm working that out with DEEP therapy right now. In the mean time, I'm still in contact with my Ex Fiancee, and she is getting more and more set in never wanting to ever talk about reconciliation. In fact, the other night she said that every time I mention "working it out someday" she think I am even sicker than she thought. She thinks I have no empathy for how much pain this has caused her -- no real conception of how much this has [censored] her over.

I agree I can't get in her head, but I don't see how trying to leave the possibility for reconciliation open is selfish and sick. I love this woman, and want to work it out.

Do I need to go dark? Do I continue to be nice? We're in the same social circles and still friends on Facebook, etc. It's hard to go dark entirely. Should I just stop communicating with her aside from times when we end up in the same place? Or should I continue to tell her I love her and that I'm trying to work on my [censored]?

So confused... So upset this is all slipping away -- and it's all my fault.