Roller coaster and then some

[daring]

So a weird day again- but not bad. We were talking about upcoming trip for H's sister's wedding. He was telling me some of the details and that he wants to giver the info so I can decide what I'm comfortable going to. ( his family all wants me there, known his sister since she was 8, he just knows it is hard for me to watch a wedding given what's going on with us). I noticed that was thoughtful. I said I would go to everything- it's for his sister. And he said "I want you there".
I went to an event with S7 for most of day and H hung out at house with the other kids. He offered to go grocery shopping and helped get some dishes and laundry done.
I texted him later in day a thank you, that it was very nice of him to go shopping. He texts back he will always support all of us with all he has to give.
Then later in day after I got back to house H seemed a little "off" ( ie MLC confusion but not total fog). Before he left for his house ( with S7 who asked to stay tonight with him) I thanked him again for grocery shopping and helping at house. He said you don't have to thank me, I will always help. I said I don't expect it from you, and he said well you can.

It is all so weird! I see glimpses that he cares. How can someone want to pull apart the whole family when that's not what they want deep down? Of course I know the answer- the alien MLC mothership. I live in the twilight zone just like the rest of the LBS'..... Hoping to reclaim the heart and mind of my alien at some point.

[AJM]

The last couple days I've felt pretty good- I still see my H all over the place emotionally. Tonight he told me again how well he thinks I'm doing, and that he's trying to work on himself but thinks he's failing, says all he can do is breakdown. I told him that it's a process and to be kind to himself as he will figure it out.
I'm hoping I can help be his pillar and help him move through his MLC. In the meantime I'm taking care of me.

Hang on to that thought, Daring! You'll be tested and it won't be easy. It's a heck of an adventure if you choose to go that way. You're doing great, and I hope you're able to continue with it!


AJ

[ForeverYoung]

It is all so weird! I see glimpses that he cares. How can someone want to pull apart the whole family when that's not what they want deep down?

Your H is asking himself “The Big Questions of Life” right now. Where am I? What have I accomplished up until now? Where do I want to be?

^^^This can and should be a good thing!

One thing I learned early on in our crisis, is that deep down in our spouses soul this is a search for true meaning and purpose in life. They don’t realize this for a while (some never do), and instead try to fill this hole in their soul with pleasure, “stuff”, or new relationships.

But because all these things only offer temporary relief, that eventually leaves them as empty as they were to begin with. Not until they discover what is truly meaningful for them, their reason for being here, their purpose in life, will they be able to stop searching for answers in all the wrong places. The answers are inside of them, and always were.

I say this daring because while your H is almost certainly depressed, and it may take him a while to figure it all out, he does seem to be grappling with these questions in at least a semi productive manner.

And I truly believe we can guide our spouses, lead the way so to speak. They do watch us.

The same things he’s struggling to figure out… what’s a meaning life mean to him, you too need to figure out for yourself. Do this and you will be golden no matter how the M turns out.

[daring]

AJ- I've missed you and you're amazing encouragement! Thanks for stopping by and reminding me what to hold onto.

FY you are so right that they try to fill they "hole" with so many other things before they realize it's within them. In the beginning of this he kept looking to me saying I wasn't loving him right or fully enough. While there are many, many things I could have done better- I did realize that what he was asking for was unrealistic and voiced that ( pre bomb and pre DB of course). I remember feeling overwhelmed by his desperate was to have me fill him in that capacity.

Thanks also for your perspective that he is processing. And it's on his timeline, however slow and painful it may be.

So I hope I didn't mess up tonight- need a little input. H came by house after work dinner and was tired. We were talking about kids camps and what we needs to get ready for vacation on a Friday.
Then he says- " so and so" ( a good friend, wife of business partner and a couple he and we do things with a lot, especially movies) reminded me that I have to go see this movie with her on Thursday. I said that's not exactly a good night ( we fly out Friday morning, he is traveling until Thurs afternoon) b/c I feel I will have to get everything ready. He said we can ask our sitter to help with kids stuff. I sId yes but there's always last minute stuff ( and I have a packed clinic at work that day with all the patients that want to see me before I leave).
So all of the sudden he changes the subject and says " what about S16 coming home late the other night, what are you going to do about that?"
I said I don't know yet- he said "you have to do something, I thought you were going to handle it and give him XYZ consequences....." I said we had talked about that but I thought we were handling it together. He seemed to soften some and said ok do you want me to talk to him? I said no I will do it.

So the part I was unsure of is then I told him I was upset that we were talking about something else and all of the sudden he changed things and said "YOU need to handle this" I told him that didn't feel very collaborative and I prefer he approach it in a different manner.
He completely agreed. Apologized and said he was tired and "foggy" ( how appropriate for MLC) and was going to head to his house before he p!$$ed me off more.
Then when he got there he texted me thank you for being patient with him and sorry for not being collaborative. I said thanks for reaching out and I appreciate he listened. I also apologized if I added any stress to the conversation.

So what I think about is boundaries, this was a mild conversation and right after BD I would have let it go.
I don't want to walk on eggshells, but I also find myself thinking I'm pushing too much if I do things like this.

After writing this all down I think what I did was fine. It's crazy how this stuff makes us overthink everything!

Input appreciated....

[ForeverYoung]

You are right to not want to walk on eggshells. That makes you look weak. Very unattractive, at a time when he's not sure he's "feeling it" for you.

Here's my strategy: Choose your battles wisely. If an issue is important to you, and you are confident in your stance, stand firm by it and defend it passionately until convinced otherwise.

If it's not of grave consequence, or you are open or unsure... let it go.

Be strong and he will respect you, even if he doesn't agree with your position.

[daring]

Always trying to strike a balance FY- I'm pretty strong and independent. Sometimes too much so and I think that caused some issues in the relationship. Of course he didn't fall in love with me as a doormat- he fell in love with me as a strong woman who was also compassionate and sensitive. At times I've tipped too far one way or another- I know that's where working on me and regaining my authentic self will help.

Boy what a journey.....whatever the ending is at least it will be worth it!

[ForeverYoung]

For someone so early in this I find your attitude amazing.

A 20+ year relationship is worth a lot of effort in my book. Bust On!

[daring]

Thank you that really made me feel good FY!!

I agree- it is worth a lot of effort and he is worth me keeping my vows and helping him through the " for worse and in sickness" that he seems to be in. Deep down in there is the loving, amazing person I fell in love with.

We take our family vacation on Fri. Going to his sisters wedding which will be fun and hard all in one.
Going to focus on the positives.....

[daring]

Getting ready for vacation tomorrow. H came by in evening to see kids and get last minute packing done.
I hadn't seen him in couple days as he was traveling.
He asked if I was ok ( does this a lot when around). I said yes-why? He responded- because I care.
That was new. Usually he says- because you seem stressed, or just making sure etc.
I'm noticing little things that remind me of the "old" H. But I'm also staying lovingly detached as best I can. Hope I can keep it up on this vacation. I really had some feelings stir when he was so sweet tonight.....

[daring]

Had a really nice first day of vacation. Went to theme park with all the kids.
H commented that he knows this week is hard for me but he's glad I'm there.
Also brought up again how supportive I have been and how much he appreciates it though he doesn't know why I am.
Those things are nice to hear. I see more and more glimpses of the man I know. He also seems to be thinking through some things more reasonably.
I know I need to be patient- I just so wish I could have an answer one way or another. I had such an urge to reach out and hold him today but I know his tunnel exit will be impaired if I do anything right now. Just have to keep being the friend he needs.
Relying on God for the strength to get through this.....