It's hard to pretend things don't bother us when they do, sometimes deeply. I wear my heart on my sleeve and my H can read me like a book. I don't think I could work my DBing plan full time--yet. He sees everything I'm feeling and that works against me.
I re-read your sitch a bit more...
So your H is done with the OW, but do you have "proof"? And you still have no way to continue to verify NC, am I correct?
So a transparency plan is something you'd need to feel comfortable with having him in the house, as well as a promise for him to not to get involved with anyone else, and account for his whereabouts, etc.
Generally be responsible and respectful, but without a commitment to reconcile at that time. (I understand that it generally takes them a while to feel that they're ready to reconcile, but that the desire to be around is a very good sign.)
Sounds fair to me. Shouldn't be too difficult for him if he plans to be honest.
I guess it's a "bottom line" thing. What do you want and what will you compromise on? And what will you do if he breaks the agreement?
That's important too. You need to be able to stick to your guns on that one.
Sure, it's a lot easier to get along" together if you're doing your PMA, 180, GAL... but it can be exhausting! (And deep down, there's that feeling of "He's the one who cheated and here I am doing all the work!" Like you're getting another ten rounds in the ring on top of it. What am I, Rocky Balboa????)
I know that it's normal for them to take time to feel like they're ready to be "back". Whether or not it's good for them to come back before they're ready is for someone else to say...or maybe for YOU to say for yourself.
Doing it in the same house is awesome IF you can handle it and the results are positive.
In my case, it would be so much easier for both of us, for the animals, if he were here. But even if he's ready and willing to meet my boundaries, I realized that I'm not ready.
Not yet, anyway.
Hang in there!
--GG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
