We told our D today. I decided that I did not want to delay her therapy appointment. She continued to make comments that made it clear that she believed this was a temporary situation and that her expectation was that H was moving back home. I sent him a message telling him that I felt it needed to be done as early as possible so that she had lots of time to do whatever she wanted between then and bedtime. He acted as if it was a huge inconvenience and then said, "I just didn't know we'd be telling her this soon." Well, H, you filed. I can't keep avoiding her questions (which is really lying to her) because the situation is uncomfortable for you.
We told her that we loved her so much and that would never change. We told her that it wasn't her fault. As you can imagine, she didn't understand. She asked a lot of questions, like:
But, you love each other. Why would you get a divorce? Are you going to get remarried to each other later? Are you going to remarry someone else?
H said some things he shouldn't have, like, "Nothing is going to change between Mommy and Daddy." She's seven and perceptive; she doesn't buy that. He also told her that Mommy and Daddy would always be best friends no matter what. I just tried to validate her feelings of sadness and confusion. H's feelings were hurt and he felt that she was mad at him because she was leaning onto me the whole time. I think that she just knows that I'm the one who provides emotional support and so OF COURSE she wants me.
She cried for a few minutes and then said, "Can I go watch TV now?" I told her that she could. She started to walk away and then turned back to look at us and said, "Can you guys come watch with me?" H looked uncomfortable and hesitated. I immediately said, "Yes." After sitting watching the TV for about 5 minutes, H said, "OK, I love you. I'm going to go now." and gave her a kiss. I know that I'm not supposed to have expectations, but obviously I did. I found it disappointing that he couldn't stay a little longer to do what she asked us to do after she had been given such devastating news. If I indulged in mind-reading, I'd say that he felt uncomfortable with either her emotion, or his guilt, or both, and had to escape.
About 30 minutes later, our doorbell rang. D7 immediately said, "If that's my friend, can I go to her house to play?" It was her friend from across the street. I told her that she could go play, but that I needed to talk to the friend's mom first. So, I talked to the mom, who is somewhere between acquaintance and friend of mine, and told her that we had just told D7 we were getting a D (she knew we were separated since she lived across the street, but didn't know about the D). I wanted her to be aware since D7 was in an emotional place. I walked back to my house to get D7. She asked me if I told the mom that I was getting a D. I told her that I did just because I wanted her to know why you might be upset. D7 looked up at me and looked hopeful, maybe, and said, "Can I tell my friend?" I told her that she could if she wanted to do so. I don't want her to be embarrassed or ashamed about this situation over which she has no control. I walked her across the street and went in the neighbor's house. As I was talking to the mom again, I heard D7 say, "Friend, I need to tell you something. My parents are getting a D." Her friend just said, "Oh, that's ok." And then, they just started smiling and playing. I know that doesn't mean she isn't going to still have issues with this, but it felt like exactly what she needed at the time: acceptance.
D7 is still across the street playing. I'm working on reorganizing my closet, including spreading out my clothes into what was H's side.
Thanks all for your thoughts and prayers...and wishes for laughter
