In house separation?

[GoatGal]

mdu,

My sitch is similar. Although my H has not mentioned this in a while, he is working every weekend creating an "apartment" in the basement. There are TONS of other things to do to get the house ready for refinancing/settlement/sale.
The basement bathroom is finished. He is now showering down there before he leaves after chores.
(FYI: He has filed but it can't be finalized unless I consent until after a two year separation.)

He keeps saying things like: "Well, now the bathroom is fully functional."
(And....? I just say "Great. Looks nice.") What? Does he want me to invite him back? Who knows? He won't say.

He initially said he wanted to live there until, he's not sure, no real plans, even as to why he wanted to live here when he wanted a divorce....?
He can afford to get his own place. I've even given him leads on reasonable places nearby. He's not interested, at least right now.

I think he want to live here even AFTER he gets his divorce!
(Not gonna happen, but since there are no R talks, I have no idea. But things he's said lead me to believe this is still his fantasy-land picture.)

Concerns about boundaries are what brought me to this forum.

Although it might bring him closer to returning home fully, I'm not sure I want that unless there is some thought to at least taking the D off the table and holding off on getting involved with other people, etc.

On the other hand, if he is here, it could easily stall his divorce because it will be nearly impossible to prove what he needs to in order to divorce me without my consent.

DBing says it's easier if they're living with you.
Maybe that's true if you're not walking on eggshells all the time, as I am. Right now I am NOT detached enough to be comfortable with everything he's doing, or might do.

I went through this boundary thing with my IC.
She said: "Do what will be best for your sanity and overall health."
I think she's right.

At some point we need to do what's best for US.

Playing out the various scenarios, figuring out what you can and can't live with, trying to envision how you'd feel and what you'd do if X-Y-Z were to happen.

What if he continues to see OW?
Would you throw him out? Try to grin and bear it?

What if you find out he's lying to you?
Maybe it's just a "She called me and had a question" type of breaking NC.

I think they will push the boundaries and get away with whatever they can until they have fully come back around and are ready for R.
(My opinion, not fact.)

Having a set of non-negotiables is great, except it might backfire big time.

In my case, he has a legal right to be here, but I do not have a legal obligation to make it comfortable for him if he is going to give me the doormat treatment.

For me, the thought of living with this guy who wants to divorce me, meanwhile pretending he's single while waiting for that to happen, rubbing my nose in his "freedom", new clothes, new bleached teeth.... I think for me that's a deal-breaker.

The first night he didn't come home I think I'd lose it, and all my DBing goes out the window.

But maybe you're more detached and more comfortable and can handle this well. If you can, then my hat is off to you!

Someone did give me some interesting advice:
"If you want a child to eat his meal, you don't "work up to it" by letting them just eat the mac 'n' cheese until they're "ready" to conquer the broccoli."
(I'm paraphrasing.) Guess who is in control then?

But every situation is different and you need to do what you can live with, and still have his respect, and your own.

Good luck and keep me posted!

It's hard to figure out how hard a line to draw in the sand, but once it's there you lose a lot of ground by moving it.

I am curious to hear how the vets weigh in here.
I am new to DBing and so I know "jack".

So take what I say with a grain of salt!