Wife in MLC and ready to leave #4

[25yearsmlc]

PS



I feel compelled to share two examples of women who went off the deep end. They are cautionary tales...but they're true. And no, I am not confusing any important details or facts (which I've done about half a dozen times here, in 8 years, with over 10,000 posts.)

I hope you can take these stories to heart b/c you might save yourself and your d's a lot of heartache.

One woman was married to a DBer here. HIS name was 9lives, although he may have spelled out "NineLives," but we called him "9". They had 2 boys. You may want to look up his thread. This was about 2 years ago, as best I recall.

When his wife began to behave erratically, she had an A, moved out of the house, and increased her drinking. "9" really manned up as best he could. He owned up to his own issues, became a more attentive father, and he really dug deep and worked to change HIM. And he did a lot of good work. Their ordeal was about 18 months as best I recall.

So then she got diagnosed as having bi-polar disorder. To her, it was devastating news. The enormity of that life long diagnosis overwhelmed her. She did not see it as a manageable disease (which it can be).

A few weeks after the diagnosis, she stopped treatment, and took her own life.

I'm not trying to freak you out at all. This isn't a scare tactic, okay? Like I said, it's a cautionary tale. It's so easy to get angry at our spouses when they hurt us, but gosh, your w has a troubled childhood, (I know, many of us did...but still...)

My gut says 2 things about your w. 1) she IS NOT WELL and 2) neither of you seem to have a lot of conflict resolution skills. Clearly there are tools she could use, that she has not availed herself of.

If my absentee parent invaded MY life, I KNOW I'd go see a family therapist to process it. I know this, b/c most educated people realize life throws us some curve balls and we have so many resources out there, it's foolish not to use them!

AND there is something to be said for taking the big picture view of this. Back off a minute and ask yourself, "is this behavior new AND unhealthy?" (Seems like it!)

If so, you have to stop taking it so personally, even though it does affect you. But just as 9 was only responsible for HIS behaviors
and not his wife's illness, you are not responsible for how she hears things or sees things.
It helps YOU to be able to see her point of view, but you cannot take it so personally. You wrote that You saw her curled up, and she sounds as if she was looking pitiful. I mean, Ouch...

The OTHER woman I'm reminded of by your story, is "Chris", formerly known as THE PTA MOM...I first met her 10 years ago when we moved here. IT's an upscale neighborhood, with home prices ranging from $500k - $1.5m

Our d's were in 2nd grade together. Chris reached out to invite my d over to her house b/c my d was sad to have moved where she had no friends. Our d's became bf's, and they remain close to this day. So I know Chris has a kind heart. She's very nurturing to children.
-- but she has very limited coping skills and virtually no tools for conflict resolution. Also she did not have a college degree or profession, and I know that affected her self esteem, as did her horrible childhood. She had a lot of traumas happen to her, and she was badly treated by both her parents.

When we first met, naturally I knew none of this^^. I only knew she was a hyper PTA mom. She went to school 4 days a week volunteering. Very hovering, very rigidly organized and pretty bossy with other parents. I didn't mind much b/c I knew how kind she was to my daughter.

Chris was always the Room mom, not letting others do much. She managed every detail of the lives of these tiny second grade kids...it progressed to the point where She'd correct the pieces of turkey the other moms had sliced, for the 2nd grade Thanksgiving party.

So extreme that I literally started laughing. She said It was "crucial" that we "make sure the slices are 1 inch thick" (her wording) that it was weird but hilarious, like a Saturday Night Live skit.

But shortly after that, she just crashed. We heard she was is in a hospital for "exhaustion"...

She got out 30 days later and seemed NOT hyper but super calm....almost sedated...She got sober and went to meetings. (I did not know she'd been using prescription drugs so much). I was really hopeful for her.

5 months later - Whoops! She's moved out of the family house and into a room somewhere nearby. She was openly dating a much younger man, whom she met at AA, which she stopped attending.

She got a min wage job so she could buy her... stuff. Her h informally paid her alimony. Her weight plummeted, and she'd already been thin. She looked like she had cancer.

Over the next few years, she did some heavy duty drugs, and got arrested more than once, for DUI. She also got arrested for something else involving GANG members....???

Most of this time, she'd STILL go the family home every morning to make breakfast for the kids! Like she was "Still a mom". (wth?) She'd also clean the house.

Then, some 2 years into this, I ran into her and she said she wanted to ask me something. She asked me if I thought her h "might take OW to the house someday and be around the kids".

Meaning, it had JUST occurred to her, 2 years into the ordeal, that her h MIGHT want some company and that the OW might come inside the family home. OW might interact with her children, and I guess displace Chris??

I said "Don't you think it's a little hypocritical to be upset by that?" And she paused for at least 20 seconds, THINKING...and then she said "I guess I can see what you mean..." Wow...

Then she gained A LOT of weight. She was obese. Talk about a roller coaster...mind you, her h was doing all the child rearing and laundry (despite the breakfasts) and managing a household.

As for the 3 kids at home, 2 were trying to apply to college and the youngest one, my d's age, was just watching all this....seeing this crazy person who was her mom.

Then The older d went to college and partied mightily and then dropped out. Came home. After a year, the d20 got her act together and is back in school.

Chris, meanwhile, broke her hip falling down some stairs, under the influence. She was 44 years old...She bottomed out then.

So 8 months ago Chris finally got clean/sober and began to exercise too. She lost some of the weight, she moved back into the family home. There were tensions with the adjustments being made but it was improving.

ONE month ago, her older d20 wanted to introduce her family to her first serious boyfriend.

Chris got nervous, fearful and insecure and then....DRUNK. Big disaster.

Lots of hard feelings from the d20. She's been "the mom" since Chris left the planet. The youngest D heads off in the fall. The son won't come home from college in the summers...too much drama.

I think her h is just so sad. His focus is completely on launching his kids into the world knowing two parents love them, but one is really sick.

I have seen MLCs and mental illness and those who have zero tools for handling pain, cascade into this crazy nightmare for so many.

Matt, yes, I've seen men and women lose their sh1t before. There always seem to be some horrible thing from their past, AND OR they lack coping skills for the curve balls that life throws at us. That does not justify it. IT's the closest thing I have to an explanation, along with television and Hollywood telling us how happy everyone else is, so we should be too! Whatever it takes!

I have 3 HEALTHY WELL friends who have lost children in car accidents and one was killed in a freak accident. Each parent handled it differently, 2 of them drank like fish for a year (though only at night, and not ever while driving)....

but THEY ALL got help. They all availed themselves of the resources out there It matters... regardless of whether your wife does that soon or ever, YOU CAN. So can your daughters. Please take them to a counselor. Please...

I cannot believe your w has a counselor who cannot recognize that your wife is disturbed.

Does she act different in front of the IC?

Anyhow, Keep your helmet on, and Stay out of firing range. Take care of the girls.

And Matt, Choose your battles wisely.

Not every hill is worth dying for.

Make sense?