Trust me...you're not alone in feeling your way around the strange land of life after D. Especially with your 'first' GF. Ayep...red flags the size of the Sears Tower popped up and I ignored them too. All a part of the learning experience of wading back into the dating pool. In fact, I am glad that I dated this particular first GF for she revealed many aspects of me that I realized attracted her that were not what I wanted.
At that stage, I was pretty vulnerable, raw, and in pain after Ms. Wonka that I attracted this particular first GF to work on my chit post-D. The process revealed many aspects that made me wrinkle my nose and I "gave in" in to XGF way too much because I wasn't feeling too strong yet at that stage.
Now? I wouldn't date that particular XGF or someone like her at all. In post-D dating world, we are supposed to learn how to recognize these red flags and heed to the internal bells going off inside our heads/gut. Yep, we fumble during the beginning stages and then move on to other GFs with new self-awareness.
It DOES get better...it is so friggin' trite...but so true. I survived the 'first' break up with this XGF and it took me about 3 to 4 months of "chemical withdrawal" to get her out of my system. Mind you, I wasn't ever 'in love' with XGF. But boy...that dopamine operated just the same as an affair.
Funny, this XGF and I do talk nowadays occasionally and I've noticed that she has this trait which makes me smile inwardly in a knowing fashion. This XGF sometimes will say or act in certain ways to "test" my reaction to her. I don't at all. My reaction has been as nonreactive as an immovable rock. She knows this and it does annoy her a bit. Ah well. Not any of my concern at all.
Thank you so much Wonka for sharing your experience. It was so reassuring to know that I am not alone in dating foibles after D... it felt like i was going backwards, not forwards, in relational healthiness.. and i like your reframe, that while it does signal strongly things to work on within ourselves, it is also partially a reflection of what we have just been through... thank you.
At first the feelings felt almost as intense as BD, think it was emotional memory...which was so so scary, to think about being in that place again... but they have shifted quickly, i can sleep, eat and function so much better than after BD.. so i am realizing that it is nowhere near the same thing... RELIEF whew..
i just got a card from xw.. with photos from our wedding (union at that time) rehearsal party for out of town guests that she thought i might want of my family.. and wishing me well for my surgery and offering again to help in any way... it is nice to not feel any anger and also not much curiosity.. "isn't it interesting?".. finally i can say those words and mean them... took awhile but i got here
glad to hear that you are dating wonka... keep updating us, i am following in your footsteps and love to see your progress..
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Stubborn probably fell down somewhere in a field filled with bird poop from too much bird watching! Dunno. You might want to ask Bets as I think she has Stubborn's contact info and may be in touch with her.
I had my surgery May 30th... and found out last Thursday conclusively that my cysts were benign (the Doc thought so before and after surgery) I feel humble and grateful.. In my weeks of doctor visits at the cancer centre, I saw and met some brave people battling various forms of cancer. I am not sure why things happen to some and not others... but I do know that this is a wake-up call to live.
I have also had an easy recovery... can't really say that I have felt much pain and I walked around the block that afternoon. I am grateful to my doctors and hospital staff.
My recent exGF has been around and has been very supportive. My exW has offered support. I feel strangely okay with being single... (I was going to write being alone.. but tbh I am really not alone.. so many kind friends and family members fill my world)
In my previous career, I traveled a lot.. but it was always work related so seeing things off the beaten path was limited. I want to see more things. I am planning some short trips this summer for hiking and hopefully some star gazing.. joshua tree, zion. My exGF wants to go too so we are planning to go together.. Suggestions as to places to visit are welcome. I am embarrassed to say that I have lived in California for years and have traveled to South Africa but never to Yosemite.
Thank you DBERS for your prayers, love and support.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
