Help please

[Maybell]

So H's birthday and Father's Day are only a few days apart. He specifically asked me not to get him anything for his birthday (40th) this year because he would feel wrong accepting a gift from me given how much pain he's caused me.

Today he said he wanted a Bluetooth speaker for his iPhone from *the kids* for birthday/father's day. I told him to send me a link (he gave me a very nice birthday present in April but no Mother's Day gift, unless you count the grocery store orchid).

He just sent me a link for a $200 speaker. (BTW this is basically his money since I'm a SAHM, but still...)

Suggested responses? And he still has yet to buy all the furniture, including new television, he has planned for the extremely expensive downtown apartment.

[Maybell]

H was here this weekend and just left for his last trip.

Friday night started awkwardly. We both were trying to make casual conversation but everything seemed super charged. He bought a book last week on the kindle about a guy whose wife had an affair and then his father died. I read the description and decided to read it too. We tried to talk about that, and about a show my H has been binge-watching that he wanted me to follow. I've finished the book (H hasn't yet) and only watched a couple of episodes of the show he wants me to watch. It was weird and strained and we kept asking each other what the subtext of the conversations was, even though there wasn't any.

After we got the kids to bed I told him I was putting the attorney on retainer to draft a separation agreement that would effectively split our finances and the kids now, even though a full divorce wouldn't happen till we both agreed to it, after the one-year waiting period. I did this because I'm a SAHM and though his income is very good it's not going to hold up indefinitely against an expensive new apartment AND our home and I want to make sure that if I end up divorced I haven't spent half our assets supporting his bachelor pad. He said "is this what was recommended?"

!!!

Splitting the finances is a huge turning point for me. Taking care of the finances is the one thing he has done consistently throughout our marriage and my taking that job away (or at least my share of it) represents the last contribution he has made to our marriage. I'm hesitant to do it on an emotional level even while I recognize that logically it's the smart move. So I asked him "Do you really want to break up our family like this?"

This was maybe a relationship talk and most likely I deserve to be reminded that it wasn't appropriate to my efforts. I didn't really expect him to say, "no, I take it all back, let's work things out" but it's such a huge emotional point for me that I guess I just needed the confirmation that I was doing the right thing -- that he isn't here for me anymore and it really is time for me to conduct myself that way. He said "I need to process all this."

I asked him again if breaking up the family really was what he wanted and he said, no, not really, but he didn't know what else to do. I said that if he didn't know what else to do then instead of just destroying this whole life we'd built together that maybe he should go back to the counselor and see if he could work out some other options. He said maybe he would, when he finishes his travels. I don't have a lot of confidence that he will but I can hope. C has a lot of ideas of ways that he can help H and whether or not we end up together my H needs the help. He's very isolated.

Also over the weekend he did and said a couple of things that were kind of hurtful to me, and when I reacted (I tried not to, and I removed myself from the room when I was able, but the fact that I had to remove myself meant he noticed), he apologized that he didn't mean to hit a sore spot and he was just trying to be friendly. I know when I bring this up to my IC he'll chalk it up to the ADD and H not knowing that just because he talks about something in a friendly tone doesn't make it friendly is a function of his brain function and not of a desire to hurt me. Just like my knowing his ADD makes him lacking in empathy doesn't make the lack of empathy any less painful. So there's that to consider too.

In the meantime I've been GALing like crazy which has been a lot of fun. Last night was the birthday party of a friend, there were three couples and me there. The couples are good friends of mine who all know the situation, and I know a lot about their marriages too. There were a couple of trigger moments for me during the night that made me really wonder if I could go back to an R with my H. One was just a word in a joking context that brought back all the ugliness of what I know about the A. It made me sick to my stomach. Another was watching all these couples, who I know have their own issues, some of them quite serious, being so loving towards one another. It wasn't a crazy PDA situation, just looks and laughs at little moments. I had to work really hard to think if my H and I had ever been like that. Yes, we have, a long time ago...

The other thing about seeing these couples together, is that like others on this forum I've been looking around to imagine what my life would be like in some other relationship. It was interesting. I would see a nice-looking man and wonder, "what would my life be like if I were married to him?" It made me think about the ways in which I've changed to accommodate my H and his issues, how withdrawn he can be even in the best of times, and what I'm like away from him. What would I rather be like? Is it possible to be with him and to be myself? Who am I?

So I have detached from him to the extent that I'm willing to separate and allow him to suffer his own consequences. I'm willing to dump his share of his life back on him and wish him luck with sorting it out. But perhaps I haven't detached to the point that I really know what I am like now that I get to choose that for myself, without regard to him. So that's the next phase I'll be working on. I'm glad I won't really see him for the next three weeks.

I did tell him, Friday and last night, that I may not be able to come back from this. He said he understands. I can't tell whether he'd be ok with that. I don't know if he believes it either. I'm starting to. Of course that may be just for today.

It will be interesting to see how he adjusts to living in his own place. Going back and forth between work and "home" with no one to come home to. We've been separated now almost two months and he hasn't yet had to do that because of all his travel. I think it will be a relief to him for a little while and then it will start to get lonely. We'll see.

In the meantime, I'm only lonely for intimacy between him and me (like you, Claire). Otherwise, I've been really blessed in my friends and family.

[Maybell]

I forgot to add that I asked him again if he values my friendship and he said he did. Then he asked "Is it an all or nothing thing for you?" meaning, must the friendship go with the marriage?

I said that for our entire life together our family and marriage had been my number one priority and that any friend I had would support my priorities, not trash them, rip my heart out, and stomp on it. I said I was sorry if he hadn't felt like he was a priority to me but that I had been and remained interested in hearing what he needed and that I was willing to do the best I could to make our lives balanced and happy together. That I was willing to wait some period of time for him to figure out what he needed but that I wouldn't wait forever. He said, "I'm aware that I don't have forever. I know who you are." For the record he has, several times in the past, said he felt like I was more patient and loyal than was good for me, both with regards to himself and with regards to other people from my past. So I don't know if that was a dig or said sincerely, like he respects me and my boundaries.

I said again that trust was the most important thing to a friendship for me and that if I couldn't trust him to treat me with consideration (and mentioned how frustrated I was about how he ignored me last weekend at the park), and that I can't be friends with people who hurt me.

Last night he stayed with the kids while I was out and after I got back (this would have been four couples if he hadn't left me) he asked if anyone talks about him. I said of course not, that would be hurtful to me, though they are concerned about my well-being and offered whatever help I needed. I told him they had asked me how I wanted them to treat him and that I'd told them, how they would treat him if none of this were going on. He said he really appreciated that, and that I had been explaining the situation to people without telling everybody about the affair. I told him that my share of the friendship is recognizing that he's going to be in my life (because of the kids) for a very long time and that there was no reason for things to be ugly. He said again that he appreciated it, that he was glad I had such good friends around me, and that I had been having such a great social life the last few weeks.

So, since I'm not allowed to, anybody want to do any mind-reading for me???

[Cadet]

So, since I'm not allowed to, anybody want to do any mind-reading for me???

Who's mind are we trying to read?

If it is your husbands I can tell you why that is a waste of time.
Have you ever been inside a hurricane?
Can you look at the outside conditions and predict what is going to happen?
Maybe you are in the eye of the storm and all is calm.
Does that mean it is safe to go outside and take a long trip?

So anything that we mind read right now does not really tell you too much.
He is having an affair, until that ends you are wasting your time.
Stop meeting any of his needs and DETACH.

He is not your friend if he is having an affair.

DB'ing is counter intuitive.
Nothing is the way it seems to be.

[Maybell]

Thank you for that, Cadet.

Stop meeting his needs... I'm not really sure which of his needs I'm meeting at the moment. We have practically no relationship except when we are with the kids. Not letting people bad mouth him is more about protecting me & the kids than protecting him (except not outing the affair, and even that is more about protecting my privacy than his).

I do appreciate your thoughts, so if you can see that I'm doing more for him than I realized I absolutely would like to hear.

Thanks.

[Cadet]

I forgot to add that I asked him again if he values my friendship and he said he did. Then he asked "Is it an all or nothing thing for you?" meaning, must the friendship go with the marriage?

I said that for our entire life together our family and marriage had been my number one priority and that any friend I had would support my priorities, not trash them, rip my heart out, and stomp on it. I said I was sorry if he hadn't felt like he was a priority to me but that I had been and remained interested in hearing what he needed and that I was willing to do the best I could to make our lives balanced and happy together. That I was willing to wait some period of time for him to figure out what he needed but that I wouldn't wait forever. He said, "I'm aware that I don't have forever. I know who you are." For the record he has, several times in the past, said he felt like I was more patient and loyal than was good for me, both with regards to himself and with regards to other people from my past. So I don't know if that was a dig or said sincerely, like he respects me and my boundaries.

I said again that trust was the most important thing to a friendship for me and that if I couldn't trust him to treat me with consideration (and mentioned how frustrated I was about how he ignored me last weekend at the park), and that I can't be friends with people who hurt me.

Last night he stayed with the kids while I was out and after I got back (this would have been four couples if he hadn't left me) he asked if anyone talks about him. I said of course not, that would be hurtful to me, though they are concerned about my well-being and offered whatever help I needed. I told him they had asked me how I wanted them to treat him and that I'd told them, how they would treat him if none of this were going on. He said he really appreciated that, and that I had been explaining the situation to people without telling everybody about the affair. I told him that my share of the friendship is recognizing that he's going to be in my life (because of the kids) for a very long time and that there was no reason for things to be ugly. He said again that he appreciated it, that he was glad I had such good friends around me, and that I had been having such a great social life the last few weeks.

So, since I'm not allowed to, anybody want to do any mind-reading for me???

You are sharing your thoughts and feelings with him.

Why?

What is that going to accomplish?

He is not your husband right now, only the father of your children.

Speak with actions not words.

[Maybell]

OK. Thank you. Point taken.

[labug]

Today he said he wanted a Bluetooth speaker for his iPhone from *the kids* for birthday/father's day. I told him to send me a link (he gave me a very nice birthday present in April but no Mother's Day gift, unless you count the grocery store orchid).

I'm not up on your situation at all but WOW! he has cajones!

Ask your kids what they'd like to get him or make for him and help that happen, if possible.

Let him purchase his own bluetooth.

[Georgiabelle]

When I read the $200 Bluetooth and speakers, I had to chuckle. If your h wants it, he should go buy it himself.

Maybell, having a conversation with your h now is like talking to a jar of jelly. Seriously. I get my reliable responses communicating with my cat or dog than my h at this point. Leave him alone. Focus on you and your kids. Don't ask him anything unless it is child or financially related.

Good for you for taking the initiative to protect yourself financially. I could not agree more with Cadet and Labug. Your h is not your friend. Don't ask him if he values you. Friends don't have to ask questions line that because their actions let you know.

[Maybell]

Thanks, Cadet, Labug, Georgiabelle. Didn't notice how far I had strayed. You are all right.

So glad he's out of the country for two weeks and then I take kiddos on vacation. It will be much easier to lay low when he's not around. I really appreciate the feedback.