Help please

[Maybell]

H was here this weekend and just left for his last trip.

Friday night started awkwardly. We both were trying to make casual conversation but everything seemed super charged. He bought a book last week on the kindle about a guy whose wife had an affair and then his father died. I read the description and decided to read it too. We tried to talk about that, and about a show my H has been binge-watching that he wanted me to follow. I've finished the book (H hasn't yet) and only watched a couple of episodes of the show he wants me to watch. It was weird and strained and we kept asking each other what the subtext of the conversations was, even though there wasn't any.

After we got the kids to bed I told him I was putting the attorney on retainer to draft a separation agreement that would effectively split our finances and the kids now, even though a full divorce wouldn't happen till we both agreed to it, after the one-year waiting period. I did this because I'm a SAHM and though his income is very good it's not going to hold up indefinitely against an expensive new apartment AND our home and I want to make sure that if I end up divorced I haven't spent half our assets supporting his bachelor pad. He said "is this what was recommended?"

!!!

Splitting the finances is a huge turning point for me. Taking care of the finances is the one thing he has done consistently throughout our marriage and my taking that job away (or at least my share of it) represents the last contribution he has made to our marriage. I'm hesitant to do it on an emotional level even while I recognize that logically it's the smart move. So I asked him "Do you really want to break up our family like this?"

This was maybe a relationship talk and most likely I deserve to be reminded that it wasn't appropriate to my efforts. I didn't really expect him to say, "no, I take it all back, let's work things out" but it's such a huge emotional point for me that I guess I just needed the confirmation that I was doing the right thing -- that he isn't here for me anymore and it really is time for me to conduct myself that way. He said "I need to process all this."

I asked him again if breaking up the family really was what he wanted and he said, no, not really, but he didn't know what else to do. I said that if he didn't know what else to do then instead of just destroying this whole life we'd built together that maybe he should go back to the counselor and see if he could work out some other options. He said maybe he would, when he finishes his travels. I don't have a lot of confidence that he will but I can hope. C has a lot of ideas of ways that he can help H and whether or not we end up together my H needs the help. He's very isolated.

Also over the weekend he did and said a couple of things that were kind of hurtful to me, and when I reacted (I tried not to, and I removed myself from the room when I was able, but the fact that I had to remove myself meant he noticed), he apologized that he didn't mean to hit a sore spot and he was just trying to be friendly. I know when I bring this up to my IC he'll chalk it up to the ADD and H not knowing that just because he talks about something in a friendly tone doesn't make it friendly is a function of his brain function and not of a desire to hurt me. Just like my knowing his ADD makes him lacking in empathy doesn't make the lack of empathy any less painful. So there's that to consider too.

In the meantime I've been GALing like crazy which has been a lot of fun. Last night was the birthday party of a friend, there were three couples and me there. The couples are good friends of mine who all know the situation, and I know a lot about their marriages too. There were a couple of trigger moments for me during the night that made me really wonder if I could go back to an R with my H. One was just a word in a joking context that brought back all the ugliness of what I know about the A. It made me sick to my stomach. Another was watching all these couples, who I know have their own issues, some of them quite serious, being so loving towards one another. It wasn't a crazy PDA situation, just looks and laughs at little moments. I had to work really hard to think if my H and I had ever been like that. Yes, we have, a long time ago...

The other thing about seeing these couples together, is that like others on this forum I've been looking around to imagine what my life would be like in some other relationship. It was interesting. I would see a nice-looking man and wonder, "what would my life be like if I were married to him?" It made me think about the ways in which I've changed to accommodate my H and his issues, how withdrawn he can be even in the best of times, and what I'm like away from him. What would I rather be like? Is it possible to be with him and to be myself? Who am I?

So I have detached from him to the extent that I'm willing to separate and allow him to suffer his own consequences. I'm willing to dump his share of his life back on him and wish him luck with sorting it out. But perhaps I haven't detached to the point that I really know what I am like now that I get to choose that for myself, without regard to him. So that's the next phase I'll be working on. I'm glad I won't really see him for the next three weeks.

I did tell him, Friday and last night, that I may not be able to come back from this. He said he understands. I can't tell whether he'd be ok with that. I don't know if he believes it either. I'm starting to. Of course that may be just for today.

It will be interesting to see how he adjusts to living in his own place. Going back and forth between work and "home" with no one to come home to. We've been separated now almost two months and he hasn't yet had to do that because of all his travel. I think it will be a relief to him for a little while and then it will start to get lonely. We'll see.

In the meantime, I'm only lonely for intimacy between him and me (like you, Claire). Otherwise, I've been really blessed in my friends and family.