Ok here we go

[GoatGal]

CW,

I hope you will continue to post here throughout your journey.

My husband has filed for divorce, and although he never voiced complaints during our 22 year marriage, after he filed he screamed at me: "I've given you EVERYTHING!!!!"

I never understood this until today, reading your posts and all the great replies.

He too is one who stuffs his feelings, wants to please, feels that he has given so much... and he has. Absolutely. He paid for my college loans, my braces, my fancy laptop; he did this happily and I *thought* I showed my appreciation by being thankful and happy.

Unfortunately, the one thing he was unable to give was his emotional side. He had trouble voicing his opinions and resorted to passive-aggressive tactics.
I didn't want to "have my own way". I wanted a strong man who could, when necessary, take charge.

Like your wife, I describe myself as a "strong woman". Not domineering or overbearing, but resilient and with a backbone.
I felt sometimes he wouldn't offer his side if it meant we might disagree, he would avoid conflict at all costs.

Funny thing is, we BOTH wanted the same things, but we disagreed on how to get there.

But I see now how resentment built up on his side.
But it also built up on mine---AND I IGNORED IT.

You see, while he was placing high value on himself as an excellent provider, my needs were not being met.

I never cared about money (tho you can bet I care about it now since he is dumping me...). What I WANTED was a partner I could connect with, spend time with, make love with.

What HE wanted was for me to SHOW him, through my actions, that I was "working as hard as he was."

No sex for almost two years prior to his affair.

Want to know why?

Just like other posters said:
I did not feel connected.
I did not feel loved in the way I needed to feel.
I did not feel valued as a whole woman.
I felt I was more "useful" than anything.
(Now granted, there were other issues at play, but you can read my thread for those.)

I finally said that I was always there for him physically, but that he'd have to actually put in some effort. He never did. Whether it was because he felt outside of his comfort zone, too much porn, too much resentment, or feeling like I was rejecting him is anybody's guess. But if I had to guess I'll say: All of the above.

The point here is, he felt that working hard, being "nice" and doing things around the house meant that was enough to give.

It wasn't.

I felt neglected, depressed, and lonelier when he was here than I feel now that he's gone.

When he had his affair, he felt entitled. He was angry.
He felt I didn't appreciate him.


Yet I felt unappreciated as well and I can see now where I started to focus on myself and my own happiness years ago.
Granted, I never cheated or did anything that was against my ethics, but I no longer made HIM my focus.

At first the more I tried to connect---"Let's TALK about US!" "I am SO UNHAPPY!" "WHY won't you spend time with me/do fun stuff with me/laugh with me/hold me/make love to me like a tender lover (Instead of a "Porn Star" Sorry, Eric! ;0 )/
tell me how you feel/what you want/what keeps you up at night/what you dream of..."

Well, needless to say, this approach did not exactly draw him to me.
Long before he cheated or filed for divorce, this approach was shut down with blaming and changing the subject.

And, as he wanted. I dropped it.

I just didn't understand then.
He couldn't talk about those things. It made him REALLY uncomfortable.
(Multiply that times a million and you have an idea of where we are now.)

Call it his childhood issues, whatever. The point was we loved each other but didn't know how to communicate that well to each other.

I guess we did to some degree since we lasted this long, but when things get stressful that's when it starts to fall apart.

For myself, my resentment took on a physical aspect. I developed Fibromyalgia and after a severe back injury was in chronic pain. I think I also was depressed.

So was I a great housekeeper?
Nope.
Was I a sex kitten eagerly awaiting his arrival in a French Maid outfit with fresh baguettes and home-made goat cheese?
Not on your life.
In fact, looking back I can see where I started to dread his coming home.

No wonder the man cheated.

So what I'm saying is: Listen to what the others are saying.
You still love your wife! You adore your kids! You value your role as a good provider.
And you are doing the brave thing by facing up to your weaknesses and trying to be a better man.

There are two sides to every story and I'll bet your wife's story is a lot like mine.

I'll bet she loves you too, warts and all. Or she wouldn't have stayed with you all these years.

Maybe look back and see if she was giving you clues to her discontent over the years. If so, how did you handle them?

I am new here myself, but your thread was such an eye-opener for me.

Whatever happens with your M, you have made a difference in mine.
I am looking forward to reading and learning more.