Ok here we go

[Maybell]

CW, if you read DR you will find 180s and a lot more detail on the information you're being offered here.

If it wasn't worth the effort to your W to keep the house clean to your standards (as an example of one of your unmet needs), then perhaps you want to consider if you asked for your needs to be met in a way that was demotivating to her? Or if she felt like her needs weren't met (although you took actions hoping to make her happy, they weren't perhaps the ones she needed) and therefore chose to not meet yours because it would have required, in her view, unequal effort relative to what she thought you were putting into the marriage? Just a guess. But most people who feel loved work to meet their partner's needs.

I don't think anyone here thinks your needs are unimportant. But how you presented yourself in your earliest posts was strongly antagonistic. You sounded demanding, impossible to please, and, if you'll forgive me, very unlikeable. It was pointed out to you early on that most of the people on this forum are hurting spouses who would do a LOT to recover our marriages and to understand how to build a great relationship with our spouses and your early posts were venom-filled diatribes against what looked like a LBS. It wasn't a great way to introduce yourself and certainly colors a lot of the feedback you've received. (People here call strong responses "2x4's" -- as in, a whack upside the head with a 2x4) Your more recent posts are a lot more measured which is why you're getting better feedback now. But if your earlier posts are what it was like to live with you... That might be something for you to consider from your wife's point of view.

Sure it must hurt to think your wife thinks you're weak. From your perspective you have a high-pressure job you don't like, and you've sacrificed a lot for what you perceive as the well-being of your family. What would it have been like to have had a truly open and honest series of conversations with your wife about both your needs, about bringing them all into balance, about goals for the future that could be achieved without sacrificing the quality of the present? But you don't seem to have done that. Instead you buckled to what you thought your wife wanted, and which seems from here to have been kind of a consolation prize for her. Speaking for myself, I'd MUCH rather have a close and loving marriage than a distant husband with a good income. There are a number of threads on this forum that talk about the importance of strong boundaries and how they build respect from the other person, even when they seem to be causing frustration *in the short term.* Those posts are worth seeking out. (you can do a search in the bar above)

What you're saying you've learned in IC about letting your wife validate you is, I'm pretty sure, totally familiar to everyone here. It's why the divorce-busting mantra is DETACH. It's the short version of what you're trying to achieve through IC. We all try, succeed some, fail some, and keep trying again. The journey, not the destination matters.

Yes, you have worth. YOU HAVE WORTH. It can be hard to remember it, but you do. WE ALL DO. Including your wife, no matter how angry you are with her. Try as you can to drop the anger towards her, towards yourself, and see what it feels like to live that way. You will be surprised at how free it feels.

Read Divorce Remedy and Five Love Languages. Do the 10 things exercise Rick(?) recommended a couple of days ago. See what you discover, and keep posting here. You seem to be getting someplace.