Line in the sand

[mustardseed]

So I had a conversation with him yesterday about the things mentioned in my last post. I agonized over what to say and how to say it for days. I kept praying, "God please show me when the time is right and give me the words that I need to make my points clearly without getting distracted by emotions." Over and over again I kept saying that. I would be full of anger driving and rehearsing all of my words which always reduced me to tears. Then I would see him and soften up--as usual. Torn between loving him and not wanting to say things that will hurt him--and saying what I need to say to let him know that I know how much money he has wasted on lotto tickets, and careless purchases, and his lack of communication when it came to money decisions, and his pattern of blowing through every dollar without one bill being paid. The thing is the more a thought about it, the more I realized what an enabler I have been. I was always there to clean up the messes and I always, always looked the other way.

Then I had a verse of the day come up on a bible app i have that said something like, "Be angry, but sin not. Don't let the sun go down on your anger." And right there was the permission that I have read about in all of my self-help readings about codependency. Anger is ok. As a kid all I heard was "don't get mad". But anger is ok, it is the reaction to that anger that can be good or bad. So that verse kept replaying itself in my head like a mantra. Not only is it ok to be angry, I should deal with my anger with the individual causing it, because if I don't, if I let the sun go down on my anger, it could grow into something really ugly.

So Friday I gave him a heads up, told him we had to have a conversation about money this weekend. And yesterday I waited until I saw he was alone and relaxed and I just spoke from the heart. I might have been too easy on him, but the goal was just to make my points and my concerns going forward. I told him how his past actions have made me feel, and I acknowledged my part in it. I told him that I suspected that most of his spending goes to lotto tickets (at which point i think I saw a shift in his disposition although he said nothing--struck a nerve I guess). And I told him that we need a plan going forward for some of the big expenses that we always know are coming but still seems to catch him by surprise (WTF--like you don't know you have to pay for these things?). Then I said, I know you want a divorce and once you get the ball rolling on that we can have lawyers or a mediator hammer out what is fair, but in the mean time this is still our money, our bills, our spending, and our children and so we have to start communicating and working together to make sure it is all taking care of, and I don't want the kids to sacrifice on extra-curriculars any longer just because at that moment there is no money because I know we can afford it if we just pay better attention to where it is going.

He didn't say much but he looked on the verge of tears. Then he sort of went off topic. Next year's school bills was my biggest concern because we have been pulling that off every year with a lot of luck that we simply can't bank on. and yes, we can affordit--HE can afford it.

When I mentioned that we lucked out this year with tuition, but next year we need to have a plan in place, his response was, "well what are we doing about that. Are we even sending him to this school again next year?" I think he was baiting me, wanting me to get into my typical emotional pattern of pretending things were the same as always and begging him to rethink and accusing him of breaking up a family. But I didn't. I simply said, "I don't know. You want to end the marriage and I don't know what your vision is for how that will play out. If pulling them out of this school is your plan then ok, then me and the kids can move in with my parents until I get on my feet" He didn't like that response and then said maybe he should find a new place to live. I said, "Ok but that doesn't change things about what we need to do about the finances." He said , "I know" but I am not so sure he does. Either way, he looked like he was on the verge of tears, and surprisingly I was not. Then went for a walk to see a friend, and I went for a different walk to let things sink in (that's when I cried).

Later that day he came in and said he was going out and wasn't going to come home because he planned on drinking. He hasn't had a drink since February. This decision was some sort of statement to me, but I'm not sure what. He wasn't angry or bratty or pissy when he told me. He was actually kind of nice. I just said, "OK". Needless to say it wasn't an easy night's sleep last night. But I am proud of myself. I have a fun day planned and will not let his actions stop me.