hope456 - he filed, what now?

[25yearsmlc]

GOOD FOR YOU...

and btw, my h ALSO said "I'd win you back if we divorced" and I think he meant it...I told him right then that I wanted to slap his face. And I did want to. For some reason it irked the he11 out of me.

And imo, if we'd kept going and ended up divorced, my best guess is we would NOT have reconciled, unless he had a really big, awakening, really quickly.

I think it's because I'd begun to move on with plans for a job change and being single (in a positive way) and I was getting happier, that I became more attractive to him, and less of the shrew he made me out to be.

Our bills were still being paid and I was tired of arguing and challenging his choices. So I released him to his "Alaskan mission".

He was alone there only a few months on the "LAST FRONTIER!"...(his words)

I knew he'd had blinders on trying to get up there as fast as he could...
Then I imagined him waking up, looking around and noticing we weren't there...probably asking "where is everyone??" And how come things aren't "FANTASTIC yet"?? And that's pretty much what happened.

I know that where we were, contrasted sharply with where he was. Turns out, living on the LAST FRONTIER!!!, kinda sukks when your family is 3000 miles south of you.

I chose to present to h, the reality/image that "the children and I, were where the warmth was, figuratively and literally, and where he was, was whatever it was....." (in terms of weather and daylight, I knew where he was, was NOT warm or bright).

As for ex's remarrying...
In my family, I have a cousin, and an aunt who remarried their former spouses.

But when they divorced, to my knowledge, none of the parties (4 people) "expected" that they could remarry later on. As I recall, they all thought it was OVER when they divorced.

But kids kept them bonded so they had to maintain some contact...(My guess is that if you do not have children, it's harder to reconcile, but I don't have any hard data on it).

In my cousin's case, I knew he still had a torch for his ex, but they fought too much and had some baggage. Individually they both went to counseling but did not tell the other. It was a few years before they remarried.

My aunt would see her ex h at family functions. I think SHE filed for divorce. Eventually they got pretty detached from each other, no drama... and that allowed them to become civil and then created a friendship of sorts.
5 years passed, when at one event, my uncle asked my aunt out for coffee (I think their daughter had suggested it...)

There, my uncle point blank asked my aunt "are you happier now?" She said, "Not really". They began dating and they remarried. Turns out a huge problem they'd had in their first marriage, was a horrible miscommunication/misunderstanding, (this was 30 years ago) which almost seems laughable now.

Anyhow, their second time around WAS BETTER...then 6 years later he got cancer. He died with his family at his bedside, and him feeling loved. If they had not remarried, you have to wonder how much worse it would have been for all of them, and him, to die alone or estranged. That's why I do feel pity for the future version of these WASs...

My guess is that if a WAS assumes their spouse would remain available for a reconciliation, after they make such bad choices, inflicting deep pain on their own family members, that it's NOT as likely. It's as if they've given themselves a carte blanche on wrongs...and not facing real or lasting consequences.

I see that our daughters are NOW (7-8 years later!), really giving my h a hard time for leaving..a lot of emotions and resentments are surfacing that I thought had been resolved.

At least they're being aired now, b/c if they still repressed them, I'd feel less hopeful. I resented my parents at various times but eventually felt a lot closer to them...and my h is working on repairing the damage he did. It's not easy.

In other words, we are still a work in progress and I believe nearly all marriages are. We all change, hopefully we all evolve as individuals and thus, evolve as couples. And we have our ebbs and our flows.... but we DO the work. As long as that happens I think we'll be works in progress...and not deteriorating.

Anyhow, I'm rambling. Oh, one other thing Hope, I think it's a good turning point for you to notice OM at your work.

It means that your choices are not based on the fear (or terror) of being alone, b/c at some level you now know you could someday be with another man and NOT be miserable...and that is a key concept for you to grasp now.

I'm slightly uncomfortable admitting this, but early on in our crisis, I daydreamed about OMs in general. No one I knew in real life....And when I met some actual men, kind hearted smart men, who were interested in me, it helped A LOT. But with or without a man in my life, I had gotten over the terror of being alone forever.

I knew that if I ended up divorced, it did NOT mean

I'd also end up dying under a bridge all alone, except for the wild dogs who had had been gnawing for days...

OR in an apartment with 11 cats and litter boxes, too fat to get out of my chair to bathe...

on that note, hugs to you Hope. Delay the talk with your d if you can and when your h keeps reverting to himself, "but then I/me/myself will have to change MY plans..." or "makes it awkward for ME"....

maybe you can say "h, I can't speak to what this is doing 'TO YOU' b/c I really feel as a parent, MY focus has to be on d." and make it your refrain.

If he really pushes you, and or acts clueless, you can only reach him if you are calm (if at all)

but you are allowed to say CALMLY!!, "h, as you know, your choices broke my heart and no matter how much "WE" tell ourselves 'kids are resilient', it's NOT painless for HER.... (AND OR)

"H, I need you to understand empathize with me now. B/c I feel it's very unfair for you to put your discomfort or 'awkwardness' on us, so that I/we have to comfort you for YOUR choices, which surely you know have deeply wounded me/us...I'm just not able to help you with that, b/c MY FOCUS in on our d & HER needs now...

Hope,
I'm sending you thoughts and prayers and strength and LAUGHTER.

And tell your sister I totally agree with her, AGAIN!