as to it being 'safe' to come out. That is the voice of someone who has been emotionally abused. I soooo didn't get it until a good friend pointed it out to me very patiently, over and over again. In one sense the world will never be the safe pre-lapserian place it once was, but if it fills us with terror we are recovering from emotional abuse by someone close.
I could not believe that this was the case, and much posting of advice to others fails to see this central point. It isn't the same as being a victim. Abuse is the one area where the abuser blames us and we blame ourselves. We feel scared, unsafe, and traumatized.
I think it may be the reason why some people here 'recover' so much faster - they either were not emotionally abused by their partner, or the partner didn't make it stick. We have to learn to recognise and undo the abuse, and that isn't easy. The first step is to recognise it.
I believe that all adultery carries the potential for emotional abuse. It is no sort of response to an "unsatisfactory" relationship and yet society accepts this lame excuse. Anyone who is unfaithful to their partner has big problems. If the relationship isn't working they have at least a 50% responsibility for working on it, not running off to someone else.
I am not saying we are perfect, simply that no-one has the right to cheat on another person and claim it is OK on any level. The problem lies with them, not us, but they try and shift the responsiiblity, even blame, to our 'shortcomings'.
