Roller coaster and then some

[daring]

FY- thanks for checking in on me. H has been traveling the last few days which gave me a much needed DBing break.

Shortly after I wrote my last post I sent a text to H saying I know he's busy with work but could we please set aside time to talk about S16 as he seemed frustrated with my perspective and I want us to find some middle ground. He said no problem. That evening we talked and it wasn't bad but he kept thinking I was focusing on all of his flaws instead of dealing with the issues related to S16. It's interesting as I was worried about his anger and his approach on some things but I wasn't thinking along the levels that he perceived. He even brought up some things from over 10 years ago that he did in interacting with our oldest, saying he would never say those things anymore.
I did relatively well, didn't try to defend myself, apologized that it came across that way and said I in no way was trying to focus on him. He said ok let's chalk it up to "$hi!!y communication". I said ok but then was teary and he asked me what else was bothering me. I kept it about any kid related concerns and it the conversation ended on a decent note.

During his work travel since midweek I haven't talked to him much and it's been helpful to not have to focus on everything so much and just go about my days. I have to figure out how to do that even when he's around a lot but it is hard.
He called today to say he was coming home a day early, sounded depressed/withdrawn. I asked him if he was down and he said yes. I told him I hoped things got better and to travel safe.

Then he sent me a text saying he's glad I've been able to find ways to be "complete" and he's sorry he failed me and us but glad to have me as a partner to raise our kids.
I didn't know how to respond and said as much, but also said I hope he finds the happy place he is looking for someday.
He said he's learning to understand that he won't find that place.
Not sure if that means he is realizing it's within him or he's just accepting a depressed existence......

In the previous months I thought he was on his way out of the tunnel so to speak.
I think he has run back there for whatever reason. I see him flipping through many emotions and stages.
Just trying to be a friend without getting on the roller coaster. It's a hard balance.