Your post was well received and exactly what I needed to hear. But you already know this!
So to keep myself honest, I'm going to post excerpts from our chat for auditing purposes (a self audit, that is):
TripleJ says: i posted my reply.
Betsey says: on my thread?
TripleJ says: yes. keep an open mind about it, K?
Betsey says: yes, dear!
Betsey says: you are right on the money, friend. thanks!
TripleJ says: your welcome!
Betsey says: but i want to discuss what my fears are because to me they are relevant
Betsey says: you want me to post them instead?
TripleJ says: sure, i'm all ears. if you want to post that is fine. email is fine. or now, whichever you choose
Betsey says: i'll post later... but tell you now.
TripleJ says: and I know you have fears
Betsey says: the thing about his refusing to let anyone talk to him about me is something that has been happening since he left
Betsey says: i'm really afraid that he is going to enter the cave and never come out. he's only asking himself the questions and not looking for answers other than the ones his self talk provides
Betsey says: i know i know, i need to trust the process
TripleJ says: i am sure you have thought about this alot. but are you looking at this one dimensional?
Betsey says: possibly... because what i'm feeling is based on the past. that sort of sounds irrational, but typically 43 year old unenlightened men try to act the same way if they don't get feedback from someone who has a more clear picture of the issues
TripleJ says: why do you think self talk is such a bad thing?
Betsey says: not all self talk, but Mr. W. has admitted in MC to constant negative self talk
TripleJ says: would you rather have Gary give him the answers?
Betsey says: uh, gary might be
Betsey says: he's lost both his parents
TripleJ says: true, but you don't know do you?
Betsey says: no, i don't.... and you're right. but remember that this is my fear. it doesn't make it reality
TripleJ says: fear of the unknown will kill you Bets, you know that
Betsey says: i know.
Betsey says: so you're in the helicopter.
Betsey says: i need your night vision
Betsey says: and i need your help to guide me
TripleJ says: that's why I'm here
Betsey says: ok so here goes.
Betsey says: i didn't post this earlier
TripleJ says: and vice versa ya know
TripleJ says: spill
Betsey says: i know!
Betsey says: ok
Betsey says: last night D10 gave me a message from the pediatrician's nurse... saying i had to reschedule D6's annual check up appt. it was originally set for next sat am, which is Mr. W's time... and he agreed to it awhile back
Betsey says: so i called the office and rescheduled it for the same day but at the other office (which is where the doctor will be--about 10 minutes away from the main one)
TripleJ says: Mr. W. get mad?
Betsey says: i told the scheduler to put it in but i'd call back if it didn't work with Mr. W.... and called him to ask
Betsey says: he answered the phone very irritated
Betsey says: i told him the problem and he was hideous and snotty
Betsey says: i asked him to help me make a decision because either way the decision affected him
Betsey says: he yelled, "i don't care--just tell me when!"
Betsey says: I asked if there was something about our communication that upset him and he said (irritated):
TripleJ says: you DO realize his mood has nothing to do with you
Betsey says: "bets, i am SO behind at work and i'm not functioning well."
TripleJ says: and?
Betsey says: you're right. but it really hurts to be yelled at.... for nothing i am doing or not doing. how do i keep nice without going there?
Betsey says: i know he doesn't yell at his coworkers like he's doing with me, and he sure as hell doesn't yell at the girls.
TripleJ says: I know it hurts to be yelled at. Believe me, I know. But Bob does not always have to be talking you know
Betsey says: bob hasn't been around since he left for montana... cuz bob doesn't fit in well with us right now
TripleJ says: yes he does
Betsey says: i just need to fine tune my response to his obvious need to lash out without taking it personally
Betsey says: HELP
TripleJ says: would you say that bob is a chatterbox?
Betsey says: no, bob is just infintely happy... something i think Mr. W. would find insulting
TripleJ says: it is not the words that bob says, it is the aura when he is around
TripleJ says: you don't have to say a word and you can be bob
Betsey says: okay, i'm listening
TripleJ says: i have to disagree that bob is infintely happy
TripleJ says: i have to say that bob has gotten pissed off once or twice
TripleJ says: its what bob does then that makes him great
Betsey says: ok, help me here... cuz my version of bob is bubbly happy
TripleJ says: what is the source of bob's happiness?
TripleJ says: what makes bob happy?
Betsey says: seeing others happy and win?
TripleJ says: hmmmmmm
Betsey says: and a really fat paycheck?
TripleJ says: so, if a grumpy old cuss wins the bidding round, how would bob handle this guy
Betsey says: hmmmmmmmmmmmmm
TripleJ says: would bob ask if he was the source of this guys unhappiness?
Betsey says: uh, no
TripleJ says: well?
Betsey says: what, so act as if Mr. W. is grieving and mean but i'm okay with that?
TripleJ says: so if the grumpy old cuss wins, would he be happier?
Betsey says: hmmmm. maybe for a few minutes
TripleJ says: then he goes to the showcase showdown
Betsey says: then he'd head back to waukesha a grumpy old cuss
TripleJ says: and if he wins that?
Betsey says: ok, bob will be happy that he got here
TripleJ says: hmmmm. so did bob help him win that bidding round?
TripleJ says: are you following me?
Betsey says: i'm not sure if bob helped or just acted as if grumpy shithead was going to win
Betsey says: maybe?
TripleJ says: bob is not there to help this guy win. he has to do it on his own. bob is only there for support
TripleJ says: Mr. W. needs to do this on his own, but you need to be there for support
Betsey says: so i know that he needs to do this on his own.... i guess i need to stop asking if i'm making him mad. is this what you're trying to tell me?
TripleJ says: i am saying that his mind is full, and it is not due to you. let him run his path, but be there for him in his way
Betsey says: ok.... give me some specifics "a la bob" that i could do to let his shitty comments roll off my back... i guess this is where i'm tripping up
TripleJ says: you tell me. what could have been done differently than what happened?
TripleJ says: i actually ran into this same exact thing
Betsey says: crap, you are right
TripleJ says: what's the answer?
Betsey says: i could act AS if i know this isn't my schtick
Betsey says: and validate when he speaks, empathize when he speaks
Betsey says: and understand the rage he's feeling is probably not due to me.
TripleJ says: bingo
TripleJ says: now apply this to the appt thing
Betsey says: what IF some of that rage IS due to me?
TripleJ says: can't think like that
Betsey says: ok. i'll pretend that scenario doesn't exist. back to the appt
TripleJ says: you took the initiative to reschedule on his day. what could have been different?
Betsey says: he could have...
TripleJ says: yes and no, but you didn't give him that choice
Betsey says: wait a sec... that isn't enirely true
TripleJ says: right?
TripleJ says: did you call after you rescheduled?
Betsey says: yes, this is when i called him
Betsey says: and let him know that i could always change things
Betsey says: ok, i will acceed here... i could have stopped him nicely last night and mention that the appt fell on his day with them and let him know (nicely) he could have the honors
TripleJ says: and I commend you for that. but what could have been more positive for you and mr. w., could you have offered to reschedule, validating his hectic schedule and ask what time he would like to reschedule for since he is taking her to the appt
TripleJ says: no, not last night
Betsey says: i did give him 3 alternates of choice....
Betsey says: today? yes, i gave him 3 different days with different times which is when he said he didn't care
Betsey says: the scheduler had put her down for the revised time, but gave me 2 alternates, which i offered.
Betsey says: crap, either way i didn't handle myself well i guess
TripleJ says: you handled yourself the best that you could.
TripleJ says: just give it time to settle bets. everything will be okay
Betsey says: here's the yucky part: i haven't seen this mean side of him since he left.... i don't like this person. i feel hurt when he talks to me
TripleJ says: then you need to back off
Betsey says: it's like i'm a nonperson who shouldn't have any feelings
TripleJ says: don't let yourself be subjected to it
Betsey says: i guess this is where my fears come out in full force
Betsey says: in order for him to feel that i accepted his decision to move out, he made sure there was no misunderstandings between us.... and the unkind words and tonality ruled his world. i'm projecting to the past, i know
Betsey says: believe me, i'm getting this... i'm just internalizing and picturing what i need to do
TripleJ says: good.
Betsey says: thanks for the empowerment
Betsey says: i'll restate goals:
Betsey says: 1. stop internalizing the source of Mr. W's feelings 2. act accordingly 3. stop pressuring him for reassurance 4. sit on the bench until the coach calls me in the game
TripleJ says: this is great Bets. you keep thinking.
Betsey says: 5. not pee on myself while i'm waiting
TripleJ says: hahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Betsey says: hey i get excited
TripleJ says: hey its time for lunch. celebrating Fat Tuesday! chat in a bit?
Triple J, I hope you don't mind, but our chat was just too good for me not to remember (I don't save them, BTW).
Now I have my new goals stated. And I feel better about how I need to conduct myself!
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
