What to do

[Nettles]

Thank you for all your encouragement Nettles. That helps a lot. My mind cant seem to stop picking everything apart and find hidden meanings. When you break it down like that it doesnt sound as bad.

I hope it helps you to focus on you. You've written about depression and anger. Get those under control. And you aren't the first, and won't be the last, to have to deal with those. I was right there too. But my W's 2x4 (BD, hiding with kids, D served, PO) changed me. This'll change you if you want it to.

She has said she thought she wasnt in love with me before. She did not say that during this separation thing though.

Before BD, my W loved me but was probably not in love with me and I know she didn't respect me. And do you know how I earned her respect back? By changing. But a key was that I changed for me, not for her. I don't want you to confuse the gift she's given you with the reason you should change, Ben. You should want to change to be a better, happier you.

No she has never said that she wants a D. I have asked her and she always says no. But she does say that she doesnt know if we can work this out or not.

I noticed you wrote "always". I take that to mean you've asked more than once. If so, stop. Don't ask again. She's given the answer, move on.

She says she doesn't know if you can work this out or not because she needs changes from you and she can't control that. The good news is that you can control your changes. But who should the changes be for? You have to be happy with you and own your own happiness. That's why I say the changes are for you, not her.

There are things that I can change to make the M better. Im doing a lot of reading and practicing communication with coworkers. Im also seeing the C to address the anger issues I have. Went to the Dr. to get put on anti-depressants, they wont take effect until next week sometime i dont think though, wish it was now...

Great! Keep it up. Every practice or reading or improvement, come here and journal and let us know. But don't tell her. She has to see it. The pressure-free environment she has right now is what she wants with you. So every time you see her, be the Ben she fell in love with.

I wouldnt call our communication frequent though. She sometimes just texts to say good night i love you. She has done some kind of communication every day though except one.

Let her initiate things. Each communication from her is a blessing, but a lack of communication means nothing. I'm betting this isn't easy on her either. The last time you saw her, did she look thinner?

About the date, I dont have any expectations that she will go. I am trying to tell myself that she wont, so that i wont get let down. She will probably just tell me that she forgot we had that planned or something. Although it is after church on Sunday next week, so kinda hard to forget.

It is good that you have no expectations about the date, but don't try to predict the future on whether it happens or not. If it happens, don't expect anything, just go and have a relaxed, nice time with conversation about her and how she is doing. Validate, listen and be patient.

Thanks again Nettles for giving me a positive outlook on things, you have no idea how much it means at a time like this for me.

I know I write like it is so easy, but I know how hard it is Ben. I know that feeling in your gut that won't go away. Continue to work on what you need to work on. It is the path.