too little, too late

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Re: too little, too late lost18 #2458410 06/08/14 01:39 AM
Joined: Apr 2014 Posts: 1,174 Mid-Atlantic, USA G GoatGal Member
GoatGal Member G Joined: Apr 2014 Posts: 1,174 Mid-Atlantic, USA	"Riding the crazy train. I continue to struggle with focusing so much on H and our interactions or lack there of instead of me. Why is it so easy to give advice to somebody else but not take the advice yourself. Not that I haven't been doing things for me as well....but grrr!" Hi Lost18, "Crazy Train" is right! I'm new here but have been working hard trying to put the DBing principles in place. The problem is like someone telling you "RELAX!" and you're thinking "Yeah, but HOW? I feel like you're going to poke me in the eye with that sharp stick you're holding!" We don't know "how" to "detach". Its probably different for everyone. Yes. Easier said than done. I've done fairly well, but I've had moments where I lost it--BIG TIME. So I'm no expert. However, I do find it useful to review what was said/felt (trying not to obsess) for the purpose of picking up on little clues about where to focus my efforts and what I need to change in my exchanges with H. It's easy to hyper-focus on every little interaction, (especially the "bad" ones!), but trying to "know why" and guess at motivations is a waste of time, because our perceptions are skewed by our anxiety, wishes, fears, pain, and anger. On the other hand, thinking through what was said sometimes leads to a revelation way down the road. Just today I finally understood some things H said months ago, now that some time has passed and I have more of a framework to support it. That part has allowed me to understand him more and have more compassion, and also to lower my expectations of what he is able to give at this time. So for me, I think reviewing things in the sense of journaling/keeping a log of sorts helps to keep the train on the track, (most days), and also shows where things are improving, which feels good. Sometimes the positive steps are so small we don't notice them, and we therefore miss another chance to give feedback that will keep the them going with our mate. But I think it's important to put it in terms of "how", rather than "why". So instead of "why did he say THAT?" put it more like: "He said X, Y, Z. How am I feeling about that, how did I react to that, how did HE react to my reaction, and how can I make our future interactions more positive?" sort of thing. It sounds like your goals are doable and within your control, in addition to being healthy! Good luck and hang in there! --GG Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?

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Subject	Posted By	Posted
too little, too late	lost18	04/04/14 01:14 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	04/04/14 01:53 PM
Re: too little, too late	Bunches	04/04/14 01:57 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	04/04/14 02:50 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	04/06/14 02:06 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	04/08/14 01:28 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	04/08/14 01:35 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	04/08/14 01:48 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	04/08/14 02:03 PM
Re: too little, too late	Bunches	04/08/14 02:10 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	04/08/14 06:28 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	04/10/14 02:29 AM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	04/10/14 09:59 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	04/11/14 11:04 AM
Re: too little, too late	melissag	04/11/14 01:21 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	04/14/14 02:16 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	04/15/14 01:26 PM
Re: too little, too late	melissag	04/15/14 01:36 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	04/19/14 02:03 PM
Re: too little, too late	ye21	04/19/14 04:46 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	04/22/14 01:36 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	04/25/14 02:24 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	04/25/14 07:23 PM
Re: too little, too late	Bunches	04/25/14 07:50 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	04/26/14 01:52 AM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	04/28/14 01:11 PM
Re: too little, too late	melissag	04/28/14 02:10 PM
Re: too little, too late	Underdog	04/28/14 04:12 PM
Re: too little, too late	Underdog	04/28/14 04:19 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	04/29/14 05:07 PM
Re: too little, too late	whytry	04/29/14 07:38 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	05/04/14 04:13 AM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	05/04/14 12:55 PM
Re: too little, too late	whytry	05/05/14 06:11 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	05/06/14 05:48 PM
Re: too little, too late	whytry	05/06/14 08:09 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	05/07/14 05:48 PM
Re: too little, too late	LongRoad06	05/07/14 05:52 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	05/09/14 06:48 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	05/13/14 01:13 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	05/15/14 01:22 PM
Re: too little, too late	Georgiabelle	05/15/14 01:33 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	05/15/14 04:00 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	05/15/14 04:01 PM
Re: too little, too late	whytry	05/16/14 08:56 AM
Re: too little, too late	owl777	05/16/14 07:25 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	04/29/14 04:36 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	04/29/14 04:06 PM
Re: too little, too late	Maybell	05/17/14 08:53 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	05/20/14 05:03 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	05/20/14 05:38 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	05/22/14 01:22 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	05/23/14 02:20 PM
Re: too little, too late	whytry	05/26/14 07:42 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	05/27/14 06:47 PM
Re: too little, too late	whytry	05/27/14 09:47 PM
Re: too little, too late	bashy	05/27/14 10:02 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	05/29/14 12:49 AM
Re: too little, too late	whytry	05/29/14 03:13 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	06/01/14 02:13 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	06/04/14 01:12 PM
Re: too little, too late	willbwell	06/04/14 02:02 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	06/05/14 04:28 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	06/07/14 11:55 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	06/08/14 01:20 AM
Re: too little, too late	GoatGal	06/08/14 01:39 AM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	06/09/14 03:25 PM
Re: too little, too late	willbwell	06/10/14 01:25 AM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	06/10/14 01:24 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	06/10/14 01:45 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	06/11/14 01:40 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	06/14/14 01:47 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	06/16/14 01:46 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	06/17/14 02:24 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	06/17/14 05:24 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	06/19/14 02:00 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	06/21/14 02:22 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	06/23/14 02:05 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	06/24/14 02:26 PM
Re: too little, too late	Thornton	06/24/14 02:31 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	06/25/14 03:12 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	06/27/14 01:59 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	06/27/14 02:05 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	07/01/14 04:46 AM
Re: too little, too late	bashy	07/01/14 05:03 AM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	07/01/14 05:09 PM
Re: too little, too late	bashy	07/01/14 08:01 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	07/01/14 09:24 PM
Re: too little, too late	bashy	07/01/14 09:40 PM
Re: too little, too late	Ben2010	07/01/14 11:53 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	07/02/14 01:31 AM
Re: too little, too late	Maybell	07/02/14 01:47 AM
Re: too little, too late	Ben2010	07/02/14 02:11 AM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	07/02/14 03:04 AM
Re: too little, too late	Thornton	07/02/14 03:59 AM
Re: too little, too late	Maybell	07/02/14 04:01 AM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	07/10/14 01:45 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	07/10/14 01:48 PM
Re: too little, too late	lost18	07/13/14 10:42 PM
Re: too little, too late	Wet	07/13/14 10:52 PM
Re: too little, too late	Ben2010	07/02/14 02:10 AM

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