Wife in MLC and ready to leave #4

[uRworthy]

Matt, you keep going round and round trying to understand your wife. It isnt possible. It just isnt. You arent her. You arent in crisis. You havent suffered from depression.

When I was going through this, I needed a roadmap of how I wanted to get through it. I referred to it often. It allowed me to always know how I needed to act.

My roadmap was this. I would always act with dignity and honor regardless of how he was acting. I would not allow his actions and words to affect mine. I would not say anything bad about him to our son and I would do no harm to their relationship. I am proud to say that I kept to my roadmap.
I am very glad I did.

So, whenever he was doing something that I did not agree with or could not understand, I remembered it didnt matter. I knew who I was and how I wanted to act.

I wanted to look back on this time of my life and know that I remained true to me. That mattered a great deal to me.

Looking for sympathy she tells me she has lost even more weight and actually thinks she is dying. Then she told me her father has a low blood count, needs a transfusion, how worried she is.

That ^^^ is so sad to me, Matt. As someone who suffered through depression, I can tell you this. It is like trying to swim through mud and you are trying to grab onto anything to pull yourself out. Add in a MLC, I cannot only imagine what that feels like.

I dont think that a MLC gives you a free pass on your actions. They are responsible for those. But it does allow us a reason to understand how hard they are struggling.

This is how she has been for some time, all about her and how awful her life is and she is going to die, her poor father, poor HER. She is hurting me and everyone I love. Has told me I'm to blame for her not having the life she wants and is better off without me, yet wants my sympathy and care?

Maybe she is hurting, too.

Yes, I know it's a waste of time and energy to try to understand her and her thoughts and actions.

Yet you keep trying to do just that.

I saw her last night when she didn't think I was there and she was clearly hurting, badly. She was curled in a ball and shaking. How is this better than her past life?

It isnt better, Matt. She is in crisis. She is confused and hurting and wants it to stop. She doesnt know how to do that. So, she is trying what she thinks will get it to.

I still need to talk to her but that talk won't change a thing.

So why have it?

She is going to think whatever she feels at any given moment is the way she has always thought and always will forever. I can't imagine living like that. It must be a hard way to live.

Thats a bit of mindreading on your part. But yes, it must be a very hard way to live.

My family needs me to take care if myself so I will be able to take care of them!

Yep

She is so lost she seems to want to believe whatever her father or others say I will do and it makes her unlikely to trust me and so things will get harder than they need to be.

Dont get ahead of yourself, Matt. It doesnt serve you well. Take it one step at a time.

Matt, here's the thing about all of this. You did the best you could with the knowledge and tools you had at the time. But you could have been perfect and it wouldnt have mattered. This crisis was destined to happen. You couldnt love her out of it. You just dont have that kind of power.

So, it is best that you let go of trying to understand it. Let go of thinking shoulda, coulda, woulda. Let go of the anger and resentment.

You need to do all of that to come out of this whole.

This is tough stuff. But how you walk through it matters, Matt. It matters.

Trust me on this. You want to make this as easy as possible on your children. They are watching closely. You have been given the honor of showing them how to navigate through life's hard stuff. Show them well.

You want them to forge whatever relationship they will with their mom without any interference from you.

They know you love them. They know you care. That will not change. Just remember to be the man you want to be. Each day. Some days you will make it, some you wont. But that should always be the goal.

Control the controllables. Let the rest go. Just let it go, Matt. No more wishing things were different. No more second guessing. No more trying to understand her.

Your job now is to take care of you and your children. Your wife has to walk her journey. Your job is to get out of the way.