Betsey, please take this as my humble opinion, but I want to give you a male's perspective here. No, it is not you, he is emotionally drained.
You know as well as anyone that a male deals with his emotions differently than a woman does. Even though I am DBing, I still deal with my emotions differently than my W. Always will. Fortunately, I have learned HOW to deal with them, through C and DB.
Mr. W has been through ALOT this past week. He is on an emotional rollercoaster himself. He has the death of his mom, the family, your immediate family, and all sorts of other things that are running through his mind. That brain of his is working full time right now. He hasn't slept much from D10's report also. Now, gather all this info and ask yourself one question, "did I, betsey, have anything to do with this?" I'd be willing to bet that the answer is a resounding NO. You had nothing to do with his mood, correct?
Then why did you need to ask if it was due to you? I have to ask, but is this a cheeseless tunnel for you? Why the questions when you were being a "grinch"?
Mr. W is hurting right now, whether you see it or not. He may not have had the greatest R with his mom, but he had one that was not of hate, at least I don't think. The loss is still a loss, and it is weighing on his emotions. He needs to step back himself and regroup. How about letting him do that? Firing questions about you to him at this time I don't see as productive for you. His emotions and mood is not clear at this time.
What was your first thought when your SIL told you about Mr. W announcing that the word "betsey" was not to be said"? Did that hurt you that maybe there was a chance that he would spill everything out and take everyone's words to heart? I thought about this and have another view on this for you to think about. How about he did not want to talk about the sitch he is in with you because it was too much for him to handle? What if his emotions were so strong about being there for the death of his mom and the connection with his family that he felt he could not handle talks about the status of your M? Is this unreasonable if you look at it this way?
You do have a right to ask these questions, but I think the timing is what is off here. Yes, he is withdrawing into the cave. He needs to think these things through. This is what a male does. Do you need to change this? I think what he needs is validation. understand and let him feel what he is feeling. validate and hopefully he comes out of the cave quickly, then that is the time to possibly discuss C. Remember, he is not the one DBing right now. It is you. What could you have done in this sitch for their to be less irritation?
I don't think this is alien behavior. This is a guy who is hurting and is trying to figure out what path to take. This is MHO. Give him time and space (and I know you are doing that already). He will come out of the cave. But let him know you are there for him, unconditionally (very hard, I know).
And yes, it sucks that you may have to do this without getting an inkling in return. But this is the name of the game right now. He needs you, his way.
Your validation at the end was magnificient and I am sure he appreciates it.
I didn't intend this to be rude or tell you that you did things wrong, because you didn't. I also wasn't there at these events so I really don't know what happened. And I certainly don't know what is specifically going through Mr. W's head. It's just that I think maybe Mr. W needs a break here, after all, running through the gammit of emotions is not fun, remember? To me, he is not an alien, he is mourning, and thinking.
And this is good if you think about it.
Again, this is all IMHO.
Big hugs and a basket to you!
Triple J
Things were different then. All is different now. I tried to explain, somehow..........
Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam)
