Wife in MLC and ready to leave #4

[AJM]

Matt, even if you had done things the way she wanted, it is very unlikely that she would have been happy or trusted you. That's par for the course. I know, because I did things that way. Her words to me, "I don't trust you." Why? <shrug> Who knows?

I went the other direction and helped my ex pack. I helped her with all kinds of things. My thinking is and was, she needs a friend.

That's just not how these things work.

You need to get past the idea of thinking she'll do what she says. She won't. You need to get past the idea that she'll be "reasonable" whatever that means. She won't be. You need to get over the idea that she'll do what's best for the kids in your opinion. She won't.

The sooner you internalize that, the sooner you can drop that emotional tie and let her get through what she's doing.

If you ask me, if she's doing something she says she doesn't want to do, that's very telling about what's going on with her.

I'm not saying you need to be easy going or do something you're not comfortable with. Not in the least. But you don't need to expect different than what you're getting. And somebody has to de-escalate the tension. It won't be her.

If it wasn't her father, it would have been somebody else. We see that here all the time on these boards. I've seen it personally. Believe me, it's like watching somebody who can't make their own decisions use somebody else like a crutch. It's sad. It's difficult to see while you're also feeling the emotional turmoil and watching the trainwreck in slow motion.

But you can't change that dynamic. She made that choice. You can control your own actions and my suggestion is that you consider how you want things to go looking back on it. Act accordingly.

I think you'll find that if you drop the expectations, without saying you are, that you'll feel a lot less stress. You won't be happy about any of it, but you won't feel the stress in the same way. You have enough to worry about.

As for the talk - like I said, you know better how that should go. You're the guy on the ground. Know that kids don't like divorce or moving. Parents and home are two foundations for kids. So go gently, right?

She won't be reasonable. Nobody "wins" what they expected in a divorce. Except the lawyers. They always win (like Vegas).

Your path will become clearer as you make decisions. Wrong or right, you'll see what your path is. Don't worry so much about that. You may have to fight it out in court or you may not. Either way, it wasn't your choice but it is reality. Expect it.

It gets better Matt. Whether or not she "wakes up" is not known. Some don't. Or if they do, it's not what you expect anyway, so you don't notice it.

One thing is fairly certain - you'll be long gone and done before she is. Sad as that is, it's not your choice. It just is what it is. I know I didn't want to hear that when I heard it, but I have found it to be true in my case. I think you will find similar based on what you describe.


AJ