I'm glad you went out and had some FUN. Yay!! You so deserve it. And congrats to D7 for being a smartypants girl!
Hey, 2 thoughts keep running thru my head when I read your post above. About how you fear he won't really truly "show up" for your d, like his dad didn't and like your mom didn't.
1) even if you stayed married, this "not showing up" might happen. I mean, he's pretty darn self absorbed NOW....
The truth is, he hasn't really ever been a consistently present parent. The more I think about it, I realize that being married to him, as he is now and as he has been for a while, just gives D7 the illusion of having two involved parents.
and
2) while this may be the last thing you want to hear right now, I have to say that a divorce at least would free you up to meet someone you know will show up for her and you.
I cannot help but believe that sometime in the future, you may come to see that in the long run, he has done you a favor....
I just really believe that you'll be better off without this type of man in your life.
Sure, he could change, & we can all pray and hope he does. But if not, I just don't know what it is you are losing in a partner.
I understand if you are not ready to hear this^^...and I'm sorry if that's the case. I don't mean to rush you out of the m at all.
Just thinking there IS a silver lining here....and in time, even if you end up just loving yourself more and living out of his shadow and Not waiting for the next shoe to drop, you'll be more than alright.
Keep on keeping on!
Regarding your second point, my mind has been there a lot over the past couple of days. Also, I get the feeling again that my sister has been calling you, or communicating to you through telepathy or something. Or, more likely, it's just so damn obvious to everyone else.
I've read your posts to a lot of people, and I don't remember seeing this much:
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
I just really believe that you'll be better off without this type of man in your life.
It resonates A LOT. Which leads me to a story and my thoughts over the past couple of days.
On Friday around lunchtime, H called and we had this conversation (which will sound a lot like a conversation we had JUST had the day before:
H: When do you want to tell D7?
Me: I was thinking over the weekend so she would have lots of time with one or both of us afterwards to ask questions or do whatever she wanted to do.
H: You know I'm going camping this weekend. I told you that.
Me: Yes, you said you were thinking about going camping.
H: We could tell her Sunday when I get back.
Me: What time will you be back on Sunday? I don't think it is best for her to be told that evening and then have dinner, a bath, and bedtime and then go directly to summer camp the next morning.
H: Around 3 or 4. You and I could talk and then we can tell her.
Me: I don't think that is best for her. I think it should be earlier in the weekend.
H: Well, you can I can talk on Sunday evening and then we can tell her on Monday after camp.
Me: That still puts her in the same position as telling her on Sunday...not a whole lot of time to process.
H: Are you asking me to cancel my plans?
Me: I have no control over what you decide to do with regard to your plans. I am saying we need to figure out what will work best for D7.
H: Well, those are the two options.
Me: There are only two options? We can tell her Sunday evening or Monday evening?
H: There isn't another time. Unless you want to call and postpone her therapy appointment so we can do it the next weekend.
Me: I need time to think about this. I'll have to call you on my way home from work.
So, I called him on my way home and expressed some concerns about telling her this weekend because of her friends moving away. H agreed that it would be difficult for her. I then said that we could not continue to delay the discussion because of the kinds of questions she is asking. H said, Yeah, the questions make things feel really awkward. Oh, wait, I forgot that we were talking about how things were for H again...I thought we were talking about D7. It just struck me as a really self-centered thing for him to say. I don't care if things are awkward for me or for him. I care that we are handling things in the best way possible for our daughter.
I'm not sure why it was that comment after all the things he's said and done (or not done). Nonetheless, I find myself feeling very done. I recognize that I've only been feeling that way for about 24 hours, so it could just be another swing on the pendulum of this journey. It doesn't feel that way though. I feel pretty unemotional about it. I just don't have any respect for him. I feel sad for my D7 and I know that there are still hard parts to come. And yet, I feel optimistic for me. Does that make sense? I really can't figure out what I'd be standing for.
Along the lines of optimism, something happened on Thursday. Really, just happened in my mind, but it feels important. We hired a new guy at work. I met him a couple of weeks ago and thought, Hey, the new guy looks pretty good. Nothing earth-shattering. Though I've been married for 11 years, I've certainly found other men attractive. On Thursday, he came to my office for help with something. I found myself smiling a lot and thinking that he was really attractive. Still, not earth-shattering. I'm not ready to date. I know that. I don't even know enough about him to know if he'd be a good candidate. I also don't think it is a good idea, generally speaking, to date someone from work. BUT, it was the first time I realized that I could feel attraction/chemistry for someone who wasn't my H. I think that's a pretty big deal for me.
