KGirl - Movin' On and Out!

[KGirl]

Thank you for your input, as always.

Today was moving day. And I already have internet set up, yay! But to backtrack to yesterday...

H had a counseling appt, and he always has interesting things to say afterwards about what he's learning about or thinking about. Yesterday's thoughts included:
-His IC recommended he read a book on codependency. IC thinks that H's situation growing up (dad who abused alcohol and physically abused his kids) is influencing a lot of his current attitudes and coping mechanisms. Specifically, they talked about conflict avoidance, and fear of rejection/wanting to please everyone. H brought up a particular conversation we had years ago (that I do not recall) where he said he wanted to go to a certain restaurant and I said I didn't really like that place.. and apparently from then on he didn't really want to say when he had a preference for something because he was afraid of me rejecting his choice. I had no idea about that. Apparently most of the time when I ask him for his preference on something, and he said "it doesn't matter," he actually DID have a preference but just didn't want to say it. Then if I didn't pick what he wanted he'd be silently resentful, which con't to build up over time, etc. They are going to talk more in the future about communication and being straightforward with what he wants - his example was "Let's say you want to go to X restaurant, and I want to go to Y restaurant. I could say 'let's go here today, and there tomorrow.' " Yes, he could certainly do that.. it seems obvious to me that would be a solution, it's interesting to me that he hadn't thought of compromising like that on his own before.
-H told me that when I'm around/we're together, that he is very lazy and unmotivated to do anything but watch TV because he knows I'll take care of things around the house or otherwise. He said "If I wait long enough, you'll do the dishes.. if I wait long enough, you move out... and probably if I wait long enough, you'll take care of a D, too." I said I wish I could go back and put more things in your hands and not take care of them, but I can't undo the past, I can only go forward.
-H thinks that because we started dating so young and didn't date other people that he never fully evaluated what would be a good fit for him partner-wise, and that the grass may actually be greener. He somehow related this to work: "I was in a cr*ppy job for 4 years and hated it, but I was so scared to find something different because I didn't know if it would actually be better. Now I have this new job and it turns out it IS way better. The grass is actually greener." So apparently he feels that looking for a new partner/W would be similar - there's a good chance that there will be someone better. Whatever. I didn't say anything to that, but what I was thinking is "sure, there will always be someone better, you could be looking indefinitely... at one point do you decide what you have is good?"
-He also said he didn't feel like he knew who he was or his identity or what he values. In high school he was known as a bully, and so even though people didn't like him everyone knew who he was, and he attracted a lot of attention. He actually said "Hate is an extreme form of love, so at least when people hated me, they were paying attention to what I was going to do next. When you hate celebrities you still follow them to see what they're doing. Now people don't hate me, but they don't LOVE me either." He said he doesn't want to go back to being a jerk, but doesn't feel like he "stands out" or knows "who he is" right now, doesn't feel like he has enough friends, doesn't feel like he does anything valuable with his life but just sits around and watches TV/plays video games.

It's too bad that he thinks I need to be out of his life for him to figure this out. He said "How can I figure out a relationship or what I want, when I don't even know who I am?"

The sad part - he also went to see an attorney yesterday for a free consultation about D proceedings. I know it doesn't have to mean anything, it could just be information gathering like I have done as well. And he even said the attorney was trying to tell him to this or that and he responded "Well, I'm not 100% sure we're even going to do this," so that seemed hopeful.

So, now that I'm moved, I am going to have to do my best to be NC unless absolutely necessary. No forwarding emails with stuff I think he might like. No texting news or updates to him. I thought it wouldn't be hard but knowing what could be ahead, I'm already missing his presence.