She is addicted to OM and if her C doesn't give her the tools, she will continue to be on this merry-go-round. Yes, I believe you are still her back-up plan. She is pregnant with OM's baby and is an emotional wreck. Most pregant women, IMO, would seek a safe place......and you represent safety to her.
Sorry, but I disagree with the other poster's C about people reconciling b/c that's what they want to choose, not b/c it's a backup (if I understood the post correctly). That's just not the case every time, especially with women...and especially pregnant women. For women, it is sometimes more about surviving, especially when they feel so vulnerable. OM has rejected her and the baby. Her passion may be for him, but she needs a sense of security. She knows you, Mr. Nice Guy, can give her the safety net she needs at the moment. So, yes you are Plan B. Her Plan A would not step up to the plate.
When I decided to stay in my M, it was not b/c that's what I wanted in my heart. It was not exactly my Plan A. It was more about doing the right thing and for the sake of my family. But I wasn't happy about it. So, could her feelings change after reconciliation? Sure, anything is possible. But it won't change without her determination to NC with OM. otherwise, I just don't believe it will be a true reconciliation of hearts.
If you decide to take her back, it should be under the terms of complete transparency. If she hesitates or resists........don't compromise. If she doesn't agree 100% to be transparent with her phone & computer (at the least) I don't think your M stands a chance against all that challenges it.
But let me ask, is she saying she wants to come back......and then tells you she hung out with OM after supposingly ending things with him? Or, did you discover some other way?
Sandi,
You pretty much nailed it. Her IC told her she is like a drug addict and said she needs to go absolute no contact with OM for 30 days. She pretty much flew out as soon as possible before I even had a chance to figure out good ground rules. The first night she got there I told her that her friend should have total control over her phone. She disagreed and told me I have to trust her!
I was thinking that if she did want to come back that I would take her phone away. Put a lock on the computer. Take away her ipad and probably not even have a house phone.... This doesn't sound like a fun life for me - it sounds like absolute hell.
The only bright spot is that the last two times she has shown interest in me she was not broken up with OM at the time. May 7th she told me she loved me, they were not broken up. I told her she had to end it asap and then things went nuts and she ended back with him.
This time it started last saturday May 31st and she was even heading out for the weekend with OM and she called me crying saying that she really wanted to talk to me.
OM and W are currently together. All she has told him is that she needs a break and won't be contacting him for while. She told me he seemed ok with it. It didn't help that she told him where she went. I think he's relieved he won't have to worry about her being with me during that time.
And here's the rub of this thing. I don't want OM around my kids at all. I'm pretty sure OM doesn't want me raising his kid either. I kind of think neither of us actually want to be with W.... Because I don't think I want to, and I don't really think he wants to either. I kind of sense we're in a competition for the kids.
I talked to my lawyer about W leaving for almost 4 weeks in the middle of divorce proceedings and he told me I could likely get full custody and she would have visitation. It's a relief knowing this and I have a sense of calm.
I really need to figure out what I want. I still want my kids to have both parents with them. But I also want to be in a loving relationship. I wanted her back a lot in January, February, March, April... but eventually she does this whole back and forth, back and forth stuff that I have built up a wall against her.
