Eric.
A lot of stings. I reread my posts. Yes they look like a little angry boy. Yes they look like a victim. Guilty.

So let me start again.
I met my wife and fell in love within seconds. Not minutes not weeks not years seconds. She is /was( please for the love of god don't crucify me on this) first and foremost my very best friend. She was( I can say was now) my lover my support my confident. Everything.
I came to the marriage with some ideas. Mistake 1. I brought my ideas. She came with hers. And for a long time it worked. I didn't always get my way and if I'm going to be truthful her way was so far removed from how I grew up that it was exciting to step somewhere new.
I have huge faults. Suppress my emotions. Don't argue, accept what I've been told. Yes emotionally I am/was not very advanced. Can't say why. Good loving family. Nice childhood strong parents. Maybe I was just built this way. I don't offer an apology but in working with my ic I'm starting to identify emotions. Can anyone relate to what it's like to only feel anger or joy but not jealousy,envy relief,....... Well that's me.
So in that regards yes very unfair to w. How can you fix something you don't know is wrong. She didn't know and neither did I.

But as our marriage progressed it FELT TO ME that she new I couldn't voice my wants and simply took advantage of that and did as she pleased. I'm saying felt to me not she did because in the very short time I've been here I realize that this is about me and my issues not her.

This pattern continued for a decade. The give the take. The lead the follow. Not her fault I see now. But in doing this I lost so much of what I felt for her inside. My space became empty. And the more I withdrew inside that the more she seemed to me to be happy about it.

I came into this forum mad angry and hurt. I wanted to yell. Several of you slapped me down hard. I can only say thank you.

But my worry my fear is that I have lost all the feelings and they will never come back. I've lost the woman I have loved and my best friend. Recent events which I am not ready to share have also caused me to loose my trust.

This has been a very long road. And just when I thought it was coming to the end you guys hand me a map and say surprise lots left.
Thanks