Ok. I just don't understand any of this. My W this morning is all upset about a mistake she made paying her car. She was so upset last night and asked for my help (again) but this time in front of my D14. I decided to go ahead and help her since I don't want my D thinking I'm trying to be a jerk. So I show her how to do what she needed and this time she made a mistake that messed up her account. She tried to find a way to blame me! That didn't last.
This morning she wanted to complain to me. Looking for sympathy she tells me she has lost even more weight and actually thinks she is dying. She can't eat without feeling sick (join the club) and is afraid to exercise because she will burn more calories she can't afford. She asked me about the cell phones again and then told me her father has a low blood count, needs a transfusion, how worried she is. This is how she has been for some time, all about her and how awful her life is and she is going to die, her poor father, poor HER. She is hurting me and everyone I love. Has told me I'm to blame for her not having the life she wants and is better off without me, yet wants my sympathy and care?
Yes, I know it's a waste of time and energy to try to understand her and her thoughts and actions. It's just that I see so clearly how her actions are causing a series of events that will devastate the people I love most, not in the future but right here and now! Until now she was just planning now she is acting, big difference.
I saw her last night when she didn't think I was there and she was clearly hurting, badly. She was curled in a ball and shaking. How is this better than her past life? How is it so much better knowing that she is going to hurt her own kids and from her obvious fear maybe put herself and her own D through the same years of pain and bad feelings she had with her own father?
She told me the day before yesterday that she didn't want to go see her father in the summer but he forced her to go and those were the "best memories she has of her and her father" (yes, a direct quote). This is why she is afraid I won't force my D14 to do things with her. Why she doesn't want me to be able to say no when she tries to force her to do things with her. What she wants is to be able to tell our D14 "You're going with me and that's final!" Like her mother let her father do. I'm getting what she wants. She is so afraid that my love for my D will get in the way.
I still need to talk to her but that talk won't change a thing. She is going to think whatever she feels at any given moment is the way she has always thought and will always will forever. I can't imagine living like that. It must be a hard way to live.
Of course none of that matters the slightest to me. It doesn't change a thing about what I need to do. My path isn't clear. There are so many variables and so many things that will effect what my best course of action is. This is hard for me as my path was always clear in the past....do what is best for my family, keep my nose clean, always put my families needs ahead of my own, once the kids are in their own I can start to worry about myself and my W and what is best for us. Now that is no longer the case. My family needs me to take care if myself so I will be able to take care of them! If I don't start to be more then the best father (and until now husband) and be the best me I can I will fail all around. The rope to my W must be dropped as until it is and she feels truly "on her own" she will keep running and looking for someone to save her (like her father).
Talking things out with kids first so I can get a feel for where that will go is first. My oldest will help with that as she can help her sister. Next is money. After that will come either coming to terms with my W in a healthy way or having to fight it out in court if she won't be reasonable. This is the reason I worry about what others are telling her Wonka. She is so lost she seems to want to believe whatever her father or others say I will do and it makes her unlikely to trust me and so things will get harder than they need to be.
At least now I will be able to breathe. She will be gone but whether or not she will be reasonable is still not certain. From all I've seen from her so far and from what others here are going through and have gone through I have doubts. If only she hadn't filed before leaving things could have happened in steps. Now they are coming all at once and that isn't good!
