idk- I'd guess i'm here somewhere - . some days it's hard to figure who i've become , or if i'm just there inside "hiding" and waiting for it to be safe to 'come out" again. be me and world okay with that. i do not deal with criticism well.
(i'm back up here from bottom- perhaps i turned into a giant pity sponge (idk) - so feel free to not go further anyone worn out)
It feels mighty like the info we're getting alot seems to indicate we need to "change" who we are. i know it's supposed to be changing things about our self that are the less desireable aspects. Goodness knows i have some- am working on them - i swear...
But then, all this introspection can wear ya out. I just feel sometimes i've lost sight of old self- and begin wondering wtf...
Either everyone i know that i'm related to is around my age and having their own "crises"sss in life- sooo they're all screwed up themselves - (ACTUALLY, saying that out loud- i can see it's true here, each sister does have quite a huge "thing" going on in th eir own lives - of one sort or another. and certainly poor old mom (and what? insane old mlc h?)
i go around telling self it's not me - tho when you start to get a big group of people all "having issues" with ya- it's enough to make me wonder if it is me, in fact, afterall.
maybe i'm comfortable with taking blame & feeling guilt- but that's one of the things about me i'm trying to work thru and chuck out the window. it does'nt seem too likely in life that i COULD be the reason for everyone's junk. realistically - and how the heck can it be MY RESPONSIBILITY to be old ms reasonable and savior and "good egg" forever, to everybody , no matter what they say or do or make me feel, etc.
even the sister that has been telling me for past five years i'm a "sap" & "sucker" to keep going back to mom's after some of the ratty exchanges we have - or stuff she threw out- (she once called me a "good natured slob" - real nice huh??? whatta jerk -
here's her figuring out yesterday - that it's my job to place my own security aside and worry about her future & security first... wtf... i'm not so sure it's my job to sacrafice self for her....
people sure are wierd - i am continually amazed and then i'm amazed allover again that i'm still surprised at each wierdly quirky quirk that appears...
does it mean i really really have to ditch my rose colored glasses for good - in life? totally.... I used to think it was a nice thing about me - that i believe people are essentially good, and not meaning to harm ya, maybe careless of others sometimes, but not really "bad" or meaning to use ya , or blam ya pn the head , but i'm not so sure anymore. i don't want to be bitter & mean-spirited here..
But, i find i'm really thinking it's unfair (& or insane) for my 2 sisters to criticise (alot) my - uh hem - "economical" nature (like forever) and then think i should give them money instead of just me happily receiving a last gift from my mom. She worked so long nad hard for every little cent she saved - and it was such a struggfle. they used to make fun of her un-spending ways too.
She survived adn saved us all - it was awful when my dad died- she accomplished amazing things in her steady & spartan way - i am like her about money. i can see that today's "luxuries" cost us our "security" in the future. I always got that - when he died , the notion that it could be any of us any day. try and have a happy life and save your stinkin pennies - they add up more than you could ever know - they could matter a heck of alot if trouble came.
now, they seem to think that i should forego my inheritance and just hand it over to them because they need it more, and so on..... (no kidding) why should i feel guilt and they feel entitlement????? ya gotta wonder how they feel that i could possibly be "responsible" for my mom's actions and feelings and somehow supposed to put myself second in life, ALWAYS...
they are adult woman who have been making their own decisions for a long long time - and did have a hand in where they find themselves now -
i was happier with them on - the rosey glasses. . they worked for 60 years - it's hard to detach them from my head & my being. like when that ole tree trunk grew right onto and around the fence it was leaning on.
i don't like this feeling that maybe, just maybe, people don't give a darn what happens to me at all, it's just all about their agendas. wah wah wah- i know, what a big fat whining baby i sound like. maybe that was/is my big old problem in life- i want people to like me - to care.
i live in some sort of out-dated fifties tv show - no kidding. (good nite john boy, jim bob, etc. that is soooo me - and what i thought we were) (i kn ow, what a blind jerk i've been) all that family pulling together - care about each other - etc. that's croaked here long ago- and i think i've been tooooo unwilling to accept it all or see it.
probably died with my fav sister and mom getting mad to be old and feel badly - and being really hard to get along with. . you'd think i'd see the writing on that wall huh? my sister - poor woman drank herself to death because she couldn't "take" life as it was- it's a lesson , isn't it? life and people can be ratty but ya can't let it kill ya. and mom- she just ranted and railed against it all- but all it did was alienate everybody - who wouldn't bother to wade thru it- to even try & go thru it wi th her (old age)) idk
BUT - CAN YOU LET IT make you take off your rose-colored glasses????? do we have to? should we??/ or fight that-
okay- here's me quitting being a big old jerk- and i realize how i sound-
but, i still wonder - do ya have to give up entirely on people (people's intrinsic goodness?) is it really an antiquated notion and gotta ditch it? within reason- not see wo rld as an enemy- but be "guarded" allll the time with everyone - as a policy??
oh well- i'm sure i sound like a real neurotic - dope even to my self- but i'm tryin to cut thru the junk- it's about letting go of those favorite old notions in your head/heart- for dealing with people and life...
as usual- not sure wtf. think i'll take my neice shopping today- she very humbly was mentioning last nite the nice cloths some girls in school have - and i can certainly remember being a little (ish) rag bag with nothin new hardly ever - so i'm thinking here's a fun thing- buy her some duds to make her feel perked up- when you're fifteen you need to have some cute stuff to wear & feel all, who you are, fifteen & cutie pie - instead of just ug old stuff and so on-
it's all soooo wierd and tangled up isn't it-
I am truly sorry universe for rants - this got to be my place to run to when all this junk is bubbling out of my brain - and i cannot imagine what "the answer' is - I am - having some days of strange "pressure" when i'm in a mode of total - letting go - of years of really "important" duties I tried to discharge faithfully - and now all this crappola & pressure, worries - from people who did not hardly ever step up and help me with that JOB - THEIRS AS WELL AS MINE.
i am unwilling to buy into this all- and it's not like me- i feel bad sayin it- but there it is -
i just don't want to be anyone's "mom" - here. not my job anymore. i mothered mom and it wore me out.
i just wantt my own life again... now, where did it go?
