it was not a threat.... maybe it was just the way i wrote it.
What I meant was that I was going to approach the subject, again. To see & understand what the hold up is.... and I was right, he was "blocking" me because he feels that we need to still "talk" more about it. He is stalling for 2 reasons. 1) because he feels he is letting go of "HIS" business 2) he is overwhelmed with worry/concern about the current status of our business location.
This turned into a bit of a heated discussion. He started raising his voice & yelling. I tried to tell him that I am on the same side as him and that I feel no matter what I say, he will not like it. We calmed down and I began to speak nicer. He got teary eyed. Telling him that I appreciate that he is the brains behind our operation and that I realize that in turn he takes care of me too. He is still very overworked & overwhelmed with life. He was assuming that I would go with him to an early morning auction out of town & I stated that it was not necessary that I could come to the shop early and open the door. He eventually agreed I would do that. Then I started asking if he prefer I go with him. He declined. I called him & we were disconnected so went to the lot where he was to finish convo. & to ask if he wanted my company tomorrow instead. He said No, that it was fine to do it alone.
GRRRR... now I am beating myself up. I feel like I was chasing him.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I'm thinking you should,have left it after you agreed to open shop. Not then changing your mind making it look like you wanted to go with him.
I did no better I'm fearing my never ever never coming back, is seen as harsh unforgiving b! And was snarky or threatening rather than tough love.
We both seem to do circular conversations, in my case I worked out it h who can't take no or an answer that he doesn't want to hear. I need to not just notice it, but stop it. He notices the round and round even stating it, I need to notice and walk Away.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
What I meant was that I was going to approach the subject, again. To see & understand what the hold up is.... and I was right, he was "blocking" me because he feels that we need to still "talk" more about it
.
Isn't that the same behavior/response he has used in the past when approached by this subject? He wants to talk (stall),,,,,but nothing is accomplished through his talks. He clearly doesn't want you tampering with the finances previously set. It Iappears that it works for him, and that's good enough (in his PV).
Quote:
He is stalling for 2 reasons. 1) because he feels he is letting go of "HIS" business 2) he is overwhelmed with worry/concern about the current status of our business location.
Did he actually say he felt as if he was letting go of "his" business? Wow! I would have been furious. You see, he has been the one in control of his finances and your finances. I think he feels the business is really his, and you are just the assesories (like using jewelry). In other words, your end of the "partnership" of this business was only on paper. But he doesn't treat you (IMO) like an equal partner. Before the board members encouraged you to protect yourself, had you ever challenged him? I can see why you wouldn't when you were in such a long term R. These are the problems when entering a business partnership in "good faith". You depended on him to "take care of you" the way he had for 20 yrs. I can tell you that if push came to shove, he would look out for himself and leave you to survive anyway you could.
You need a good lawyer working for you, otherwise I believe xbf is going to scr3w you over in this business relationship. So far, he has been successful holding you back and throwing a few cracker crumbs around. You are not some starving chicken who is scratching in the dirt for whatever has been thrown away.
Forget these talks. They do nothing but stall action.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi hits the nail on the head, for my sitch too.
It works for them, their fine, not their problem. I was so stupid and trusting for too long.
I think my h opinion shows loud and clear in his I never contributed, with the fact he thinks I should pay him out, even as the lessor part. My loss is small therefore doesn't count.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Morning.... I agree, stall tactics have been applied to my sitch.
I REALLY HATE THIS !! I am really in a tangled mess.... that I need to untangle, so that I can move forward/on.
I am really feeling in a stuck position....
I just need to get the ball rolling again... to pick one area & focus on that.
Ggrass... ditto!! My xbf feels that I didn't contribute (as much as he did), and wants to add more $$ to what I owe him to our mediated agreement.... this may be another way that he is trying to get me to back off... I dunno.
He even tried to state that I didn't trust him & that he was insulted. I used the words back to him that he provided to me "you might bang your head & turn into an A-hole, and to do what I need to do to protect myself".... he then saw my point (temporary).
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
you equate the business and personal R as ONE instead of two.
you still have not stood up to him and when you do, you feel good for ohh....say 1 day then it is back to spinning.
you still have not learned that standing up for yourself IS independent of HIM and HIS actions.
you continue to use...DB as a tactic as opposed to "living the changes"
you still ultimately want him back.
MM - I still read every one of your posts. You have not changed much since you have been here.
tactics are not going to get him back and they DEFINATELY will not help YOU become who YOU want to be.
I am not trying to beat up on you, I just wonder if anything that anyone says can really make a difference.
You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him DRINK.
Stop for a second....
Do you realize that this business (according to your post) is your livelihood. It is how you put food on the table and keep a roof over your end.
I want you to step out of yourself for a sec....
If you saw someone allow someone else to control someone else livelihood - what would you think of that person.
IMO, and it is just that MO.....
I would run to the nearest, nasty, aggressive pit bull lawyer and say the following...
Here is my sitch...
Here is the business details....
Please do EVERYTHING possible to SECURE MY FUTURE. I have put 20 YEARS INTO THIS BUSINESS. I would like to receive my fair share of the business.
Period.
No more f*cking around.
No more...."will he talk to me"..."will he offer me coffee"...no more chasing his arse on any level!
He feels overwhelmed - F*ck'em
He feels tired - F*ck em
He wants company - F*ck em
He wants to be nicey nice - F*ck em
You want to change your sitch?
Change your approach.
This whimpy chit ain't working no more.
Peace Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I am reading a book that talks about situations that drain us and can make us feel "stuck". It said there are three things we can do. (1) Change the situation (2) Change yourself to fit the situation (3) Leave the situation
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
you equate the business and personal R as ONE instead of two.
you still have not stood up to him and when you do, you feel good for ohh....say 1 day then it is back to spinning.
you still have not learned that standing up for yourself IS independent of HIM and HIS actions.
you continue to use...DB as a tactic as opposed to "living the changes"
you still ultimately want him back.
MM - I still read every one of your posts. You have not changed much since you have been here.
tactics are not going to get him back and they DEFINATELY will not help YOU become who YOU want to be.
I am not trying to beat up on you, I just wonder if anything that anyone says can really make a difference.
You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him DRINK.
Stop for a second....
Do you realize that this business (according to your post) is your livelihood. It is how you put food on the table and keep a roof over your end.
I want you to step out of yourself for a sec....
If you saw someone allow someone else to control someone else livelihood - what would you think of that person.
IMO, and it is just that MO.....
I would run to the nearest, nasty, aggressive pit bull lawyer and say the following...
Here is my sitch...
Here is the business details....
Please do EVERYTHING possible to SECURE MY FUTURE. I have put 20 YEARS INTO THIS BUSINESS. I would like to receive my fair share of the business.
Period.
No more f*cking around.
No more...."will he talk to me"..."will he offer me coffee"...no more chasing his arse on any level!
He feels overwhelmed - F*ck'em
He feels tired - F*ck em
He wants company - F*ck em
He wants to be nicey nice - F*ck em
You want to change your sitch?
Change your approach.
This whimpy chit ain't working no more.
Peace Eric
This is why I'm pushing out to mediate. I'm changing it up a gear, because quite frankly I worked as damn hard as he did, but for less glory. Any outside glory h got, both $ and praise. I want my slice, I worked for it my time is valuable too.
I won't be bullied or name called or pushed down any more. While he feels its unfair, f u. I want my share if your done and moving to sell stuff.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
you continue to use...DB as a tactic as opposed to "living the changes" <<<< I WANT TO LIVE THE CHANGES & will continue to work hard to do so.
you still ultimately want him back. <<<< YES, I do.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yesterday, during a discussion about our financial position, I stated that this is the reason that I gave up on him, because it all appeared to be about "money" not "feelings". He said that bothered him & it turned into a bigger talk. He has feelings for me. He is very consumed with the purchase &/or screwing up the real estate deal to buy us time. THEN, he said he wants to relax, have fun, do things, & travel. He asked me to do exclusive dating with him to see where it goes, with the end desired result of full committed relationship again. He just really wants a slow start. He feels thats how you are supposed to start. However, at this time no pressure, no promises. He very much enjoyed our "dates" and we didnt discuss work. He is interested in MORE of that. He is very interested in sex, although he said he does want to just spend time with me & mostly having some fun. I guess our past relationship was so focused on work, that he is really requiring some fun. I understand this & its so true.....but, it was always HIS doing to not balance and inject "fun" along with "work". As this conversation went on, we got a little physical, hand holding, hugging, etc. It was very nice & warm. As the convo went on, I began to "pressure"... he felt "pressure". I insisted that I did not want to be with him, if he does not want to be with me. After a while, I could sense that the pressure was getting to him, and I was putting the pressure on. SPIKE, trying hard to get him to commit to "more".... The evening did not end as good as it started, so I left it alone.
Hoping that the next few days I will "see" his willingness to partake in this new "fun & exclusive" relationship. <<<<<<<<<< I MUST BACK OFF from "talking" & just keep it "fun".
Any suggestions? Light flirting comes to mind, as we "laugh"... although, I do want to see him make the "moves" too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I do understand that "exclusive dating" is only scratching the surface of what I truly want in a relationship. But, maybe.... doing things on "his" term/schedule... I can get what I need in the long term...??? !!! MAYBE???
I do understand that he is not "FULLY" in, yet. I will be patient.... I am scared too.
I will continue to DB, lovingly detach & allow him to come to me. I will continue to go to the women's meetings & get relationship advice.
I will listen. I will let go of "spike".
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
