Cross country DB with WAS

[Anders]

You've read a lot of good books, and I was a bit surprised to see that you've been on this journey for 2 years. That's a long time, friend. In those 2 years, has anything changed? Apparently, your communicating patterns haven't. And I'd probably like to start there.

That is a very good point you raise Underdog. I was focused on the wrong outcome for most of the past two years. My only thought and goal was for us to get back together. That was my all consuming thought.

When I discovered the DR book and began the 'real' DB process 9 months ago, I realized how many mistakes I had been making. And despite the progress I was and still making on myself and my fixings, I was still largely blaming her for all of this. And honestly, a part of me still is.

My communication approach is definitely a major fixing that is still a work in progress for me. Validation and truly listening to her is something I rarely did during our spiral. This really hit home during our last big fight.

It is a pattern that I also realized I share with her dad. She often mentioned how frustrating it was to have a conversation with him as much as she loved him. It always seemed to become a debate that she could never win. She felt insignificant after these.

I was always either fixing, correcting her or defending myself. I always had to 'win' the fights. Or more accurately, I didn't want to be wrong.

It took me ten years to put the two together.

This becomes a major challenge for us with the long distance and our current impasse.

How do you bridge a physical and emotional gap that wide?

I don't know yet.

My goal, on the communication front, is to enable a safe space for us to talk. Whether or not this leads to a new relationship together for us is very uncertain but this remains one of my goals on this DB journey. Any advice on this is most welcome.