Cross country DB with WAS

[Anders]

Alright DB, I'm caught up. Thank you for having 2 threads to make that easy for me. I was planning an all morning review, in between work stuff 'cause I actually DO work, believe it or not.

So, my first thoughts are that you and your W:

1. Do a whole lot of assuming
2. Have a fairly poor communication pattern

Thanks Underdog for following up on my thread. I will try to provide as much detail as I can from my perspective.

Here goes:

Yes, we have very bad communication approaches. We are major conflict avoiders.

We met 10 years ago just as she was about to leave for school. We had a long distance relationship for the first year and a half. Communication was really great then. Daily phone conversations getting to talk about our lives, families, future aspirations, etc I felt we got to know each other extremely well and fell madly in love. Visits were often very passionate and loving. Everyone saw us a dream couple.

When she moved back, we settled into a 'normal' phase re-adjusting to being in the same place. The next 3-4 years continued to be great.

Communication started to break down when we moved in together (I moved into her place).

I begun to feel like I had no voice. From where I could put my things when I first moved in to how she would talk to me about house chores (cleaning was a big one). My pattern then was to try to placate. But I began to feel there was more to her getting upset about the cleaning. I asked her this directly and she said it was that I was not doing enough to help her. I kept on trying and the nagging continued. I began to feel resentful.

I begun to notice that we often seemed to spend more money than what we were both bringing in and raised this as an issue. She would continually defer the discussion (not the right time, busy, tired, etc). This caused my resentment to build as I felt like I was only in her life for the income I brought in.

As my resentment built, I suggested MC as my sense was that the nagging about cleaning was a sign of something else really bothering her.

During MC, I dumped all my frustration on her and she felt the counselor took my side. In recent conversations, she said she didn't like the idea of counseling as it made her uncomfortable. She brought up how she felt attacked and defenseless during those sessions. She is right here as I felt and acted like the victim, pretty much said she was a manipulative villan.

[Anders]

As my resentment built, I began to really withdraw and stopped pursuing her even for sex. I remember one conversation where I told her 'I give up. When you are ready to talk about what is really bothering you, and about our finances, you let me know.'

This is when I became a WAH. I never left our home nor did I have a EA/PA. But I was convinced I was only an accessory in her life and my opinions or needs didn't matter to her. Unfortunately, this lasted over a two year time period where I really neglected her emotionally. I often felt very emotionally overwhelmed. Physically and emotionally, I felt I had no capacity to hold on. I quite literally gave up. I would come home from work, barely acknowledge her and binge watch TV until early morning. I did felt very confused and conflicted about my negative feelings. Not just about her but about myself and what I felt I had become. Bitter, resentful, tired, loss of ambition.

She pursued me, tried to get me to open up, did nice things for me,etc. But I still felt unheard about the issues I wanted to discuss. The more she tried to be nice, the more resentful I became.

[Anders]

Looking back, I have come to realize how much my own passive aggressiveness contributed to our spiraling situation. I would often give her the benefit of the doubt but let my resentment build. Ironically, it was from not wanting to rock our M boat and being a nice guy (the No More Mr. Nice Guy book has been very helpful for me to see my role in our R and communication dynamics).

In hindsight, one thing I wanted to hear her say was that she was sorry about how she had treated me. But her approach was to try to act as if everything was fine and that we were great. And I didn't know how to ask her for this.

Reading the DB book only in the last year (Sept. 2014), I realized that I had become a WAH and had gone through a depression.

Other resources I have come across in the past year have helped me understand the house cleaning/nagging spiral. IMO and my understanding of all of what I have read, I believe she was looking for emotional availability and security from me. Including my ability to be able to stand up for myself. I was very passive and easy going. I don't believe she consciously knew that this is what she wanted but acted out on this. I also do think she is very controlling.

What I do know for sure is that I was way to passive and way to afraid of loosing her to stand up for myself. The extent of my insecurity follows below.

[Anders]

3. Do not trust each other.

The last one is the one that jumps out at me. And it's exactly why I saw red flags in the Validation thread, as you shared your message. Can you elaborate why she believes she can't trust you? After all, she's the one who has engaged in an EA, so I understand why you wouldn't trust her. What gives? Please don't hide that here - it's to help. I was one of the many who engaged in an EA which almost turned PA as well. And I understand the "why" now.

I will follow up on this and the other parts to your questions Underdog in a little bit. Again, I really appreciate you helping me with this even while at work.

[Anders]

3. Do not trust each other.

The last one is the one that jumps out at me. And it's exactly why I saw red flags in the Validation thread, as you shared your message. Can you elaborate why she believes she can't trust you? After all, she's the one who has engaged in an EA, so I understand why you wouldn't trust her. What gives? Please don't hide that here - it's to help. I was one of the many who engaged in an EA which almost turned PA as well. And I understand the "why" now.

Trust
Some context which I think is crucial. I was her first 'real' boyfriend and lover. Also important, she was my first.

Until I came along, she had skirted the edge of romance but had not had a physical relationship or 'boyfriend' in that sense. From the early days and what she told me, she had kissed a few frogs but had never really dated anyone. There were two people she fell really hard for but both who ended up choosing someone else. The second, who she had an EA with (he was engaged) really impacted her.

When we met and she committed to me, it was a really big deal for her. We would talk for hours, years into our relationship about marriage, life plans, kids, etc

However, my walking away state drained her love and trust tank.

This is very shameful and painful to share but I recall one thing she said in the midst of all of that: "I am like a flower, you have to show me love and hold me or I will wither away.'

She took my hand and placed it on her cheek saying "Like this"

Yes, I was a real j***. I really broke her heart and her trust.

In Aug 2012, she moved away for work to where she is now for a two year contract. The plan was I would stay here for the first year because of work. Move there for the second year.

Btwn Aug-Oct I was so relieved to just have the space. We visited twice in between and would talk every few days. She continued to be upbeat and positive the whole time. The visits were actually good and I was a lot more myself.

Then around Nov. something happened to me.

[Anders]

During this time, W and I carried on as if things were fine.

In Nov. 2012, I met a life coach who introduced me to a very simple concept. Energy.

There aren't two energy buckets for work and for home. There is just one. I know it sounds so simple but at the time, I couldn't make heads or tails out of anything in my life.

This was my first awakening. I had been so tired and depressed in the last couple of years. My weight had ballooned and I was always grumpy. Based on work with the coach, I began to change the what I ate, how I prioritized things and began the process of identifying what was most important to me in life.

Within a month, my mood and energy levels were back up. I was feeling the best I had in a long time.

That's when the second awakening came.

[Anders]

I woke up in the middle of the night from a horrible nightmare/feeling. W was moving on.

In a panic, I called her in the middle of the night to ask her if we were okay (I realize how crazy that sounds after all I just described). She seemed touch that I was feeling this way and reassured me we were okay.

That's when it hit me just how much damage I had caused.

It really felt like I had been in an out of body experience the last two years and all of a sudden I was thrown right back in with all of that realization.

I began to write her an email. Which became a letter. I was filled with so much remorse and shame about the way I had treated her.

I sat on that letter. I decided it was best to give to her in person rather than send it to her. This was to be over Christmas when she would be home.

[Anders]

Dec 2012

She came home. I picked her up from the airport that night. We hugged and kissed.

I left for work early the next morning leaving the letter on the kitchen table for her.

I had signed off the letter letting her know that I knew how badly I had messed up. And I would understand if she decided she couldn't stay.

I came home that evening not sure what to expect.

She gave me a big hug and said "Thank you". She was tearing up and holding me tightly. We ML and talked for a long time that night.

[Anders]

Bear with me Underdog, we are almost coming to the present and on the trust track.

However, within a few days, W became WAW.

By the next visit when I went over a few weeks late, she was completely cold. For the next eight months (Jan-Aug 2013) I continued to try to always be positive around her, work on my issues (IC, reading books, attending talks, gym, running, etc).

But at the same time, I was actively seeking for 'quick fixes' for our R.

I tried approaches from several marriage and reconciliation books & websites. I still had not yet come across DB at this stage. I didn't think we were anywhere close to that.

However, the problem was that I didn't follow through. I was jumping from resource to resource just wanting us to be 'back together'.

This would lead me to major trust breaker incident #2.

[Anders]

She came for a visit in April 2013, extremely hostile for most of it. Frustration got the better of me. I sat her down and asked what was going on. I felt that I had been trying my best. Very short sighted of me. I was not aware of the WAS syndrome at the time nor made the connection to what I had gone through myself.

That's when she gave me the "I love you but I am not in love with you. How do we know we are right for each other? We have never been with anyone else but each other?"

Many know that sickening feeling hearing those words.

I began to snoop and found out that she had strong feelings for a gay male co-worker. I confronted her about it a few months later. She denied it at first then admitted to it. She tried to blame me for it but I was quite upfront about her responsiblity in making decisions for herself.

We made some small progress after this. Conversations a bit lighter. Some affection from her. By Sept. 2013, I was on my way to join her as we had originally planned, ending the long distance.