choosing door #2 - next part in my journey

[TL72*]

Matt -
thanks so much for your kind words.
I'm so sorry about the cat, I read that on your thread yesterday and thought oh no... that's just awful. I had a cat put down on D day lol so I feel your pain. Ex emailed last night and wants to come over and visit the dogs again - another touch and go. I'm wondering if I should just say no, i'm busy. I don't want to not allow him to visit with them, they were our "children" so to speak but I can't help but feel that he's just checking to see if his doll is where he left it (me). Like i'm just a toy that can be put aside til he's ready to play with it again. Could be he just wants to visit the dogs but who knows. Matt it does take time to detach and I was reading so much I found in myself the role I played in the divorce. I was over responsible and more the mother. I was always doing things and giving (people pleaser, I think a lot of women were raised this way) and all the resentment would build up. We did not communicate well so in order for me to move on I had to address these issues in myself (and still am). I know it is impossible to just turn off your feelings like it was a water faucet or light switch. I have struggled with that. Now I have come to realize i'm not in love with ex anymore. I love him, after 17 years you don't just stop loving someone and I care about his well being, but I'm just not going to wait around for the "maybe" or the "what if" and the little crumbs he would toss my way. This person I met actually treats me in a way I've never been treated and it is all very wonderful feeling. I can be myself, no eggshells to trod on It is refreshing. Anyway, you have really nice memories, you can keep those in a box in your head, no one can take that away from you. You can hijack my thread anytime. I'm glad some of my experiences has helped you in some small way. I hate that we're all going through this but we do learn a lot. It's a creative learning experience haha All you can really do is let her go on her path and see what happens. You will be going through your own transitions now and growth and try not to get stuck on certain things. When you get stuck, like on anger or denial, grief, heck there's so many things to get stuck on, but when you do, just acknowledge it, that's half the battle of being stuck, then self correct. If you don't know how then google it and read everything you can on whatever you think you're stuck on. I never thought i'd say this ever but now i'm a bit grateful he left me because it opened a whole slew of doors and windows and let in the light and the air! Now I am enjoying my freedom and learning so much about who I am. I can't believe it but perhaps the pain was worth it. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, worst pain of my life but wow things really change and change can be for the better. Gratitude- I have been very blessed. I'm really in a positive state of mind right now. Trying to keep out the negative. I'll let ya know how the visit goes sunday with the ex.

[Matt165]

Thanks TL,
I don't know why but I got very emotional reading your post. I want so badly to be able to just sit and talk to the person my W USED to be and tell her what a B&^$h I've been dealing with and hear her laugh like she used to. God I miss that person so very much! I really hope that someday I will be able to talk to her again, whether she is just someone I used to know or a friend again, as she meant more to me than anyone else for many, many years.

I also know I'm not in love with the mean looking and acting person my W has become. She actually gets this mean grin on her face I never once saw in 25 years together when she doesn't want to believe me about something! 25 years never once did I see anything like that , now she does it all the time! She loves on the dogs all the time but can't love people anymore.

I do still care as I can't turn off 25 years like you can't 17. But like you, she just isn't someone I want as I know I can't count on or trust her. She is still rewriting history and telling me that I have said things I never have. She has made zero progress in the last 6 months and in fact has moved backwards as she is back to replay. She needs to be alone for her to complete her journey. I can't nor do I want to, help her. I just can't let my D be put in harms way.

Thanks for the advice TL and good luck with the new person in your life. Take it slow and be careful!

[juliegayle]

Hi.just skimmed through your thread and I found your last post particularly helpful today. For the, last few days my h has been "nice". I find it harder to detach when he is civil vs nasty.

Anyway your post offered hope that I really can come out the, other end better than I was before.

Thanks

[BrightFuture]

TL, you amaze me! I wish I knew how to get over H so quickly. I am at almost 2 years after BD, and I still react to things. Well, maybe for the first 6-10 months I was still in denial. I’m curious for how long your ex will be coming to see the dogs. Can he take them to his place? I knew a couple who got divorced and they dogs stayed with W, but her XH was taking then to his apartment for the visits. Just like kids, LOL.

[T-boned]

Hey TL. So happy to hear how well you are doing! Yes, it is amazing how you can feel when someone new comes in to your life. And you seem to have your head in a good, healthy place so enjoy! And I have complete faith in you that you will be mindful and use caution. Gosh, it must be so refreshing to feel the way you do, positive, strong, and confident. I know others here reading your sitch are probably a little 'envious', and I mean it as 'supportively envious' in the sense we all want to be where you are, myself included, but I also realize we all have slightly different circumstances in our relationships to deal with.

I had a little break through today after seeing my therapist. I have been having a really hard time the last month or so, weeping because I hurt and I miss him, but don't want to have to talk to or see him - it only makes the pain much worse. However, in today's session I think I've come to understand why my grieving has been going on for so long and is so painful. It's because I haven't dealt with past grief in my life (mostly having to do with my father who I absolutely adored, my parents divorce, and my father's death). My H and my father were the two most important men in my life -I loved them both with all my heart - now both are gone. There's too much there to discuss here, but it boils down to my not sufficiently grieving not only for the loss of my father and husband but lots of other losses in my life. I have quite the list. Not all involve people either. So, while I wish I were in your shoes as far as how far you have come in such a short period of time, I can accept that it is going to take me a while longer to get where you are because of this other stuff that is interconnected to the pain of my husband leaving. I'm thinking BrightFuture may have issues she may or may not be aware of that may be hindering her progression as well. It's worth investigating.

Sorry TL, like Matt, I seem to have hijacked your spot, but I am so relieved to have found out what I did today because it gives me greater hope that I will get through this and come out the other side like you. Just got a few more hurdles to conquer. It's going to be a rough summer but I hope by fall to have some peace and happiness in my life be it with or without someone.

Again, I'm so happy for you - you sound great and I, too, look to you for inspiration. Sorry I can't remember which book title I gave you, but "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson is really good. Then I found another little book that is really interesting called "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" by Harold Bloomfield. On one side of the page are bullet points or a short commentary on a topic, i.e. Let Yourself Heal Fully. On the other side of the page is a poem. The poem for this topic is as follows:

It will never be the same.
I will never be the same.

You came.
We loved.
You left.

And one day I will
find
myself alive again.

And another day
another's path will
run parallel to mine
for awhile.

And yet another day
you will return,
and I will see

It is not the same.

At first I wasn't so sure about this book, but it has really grown on me. Check it out!

Ok, TL, sorry this is so long but I wanted to share with you and all the others that come here for hope and inspiration. Keep posting - we all want to support and cheer you on!! You are a Phoenix rising!! ((())))

[Georgiabelle]

TL,

Happy to hear you are doing well. Enjoy each day! Sending you a hug:-)

[TL72*]

Thanks for your posts, I sure love the support I get here.
Thanks Georgiabelle - i just caught up on your thread and sending you a hug too - you will know when you're ready to date, I did go on 2 dates too "soon" or maybe they just weren't right for me but i'm glad I went just to get my feet wet. When you do go just let whomever know it's a friends thing and take the pressure off of yourself.
Matt - yeah the MLC'r seems to take a lonnnng time, I knew going into this that I could not stand for years, I'm just too needy of a person. I had planned on standing a year but things change, feelings change - we have to do the work on ourselves for sure. Remember to allow yourself to grieve in private, otherwise it will come back to haunt you later.
BrightFuture - i'm curious about how long he wants to come visit the dogs too. He came over and greeted them and sat down in his spot on the couch. I just left on property brothers on tv thinking he'd get bored and take off, but he watched a whole episode lol. I tried staying in the kitchen and going out on the deck by myself to smoke and then he would come out there to smoke. I told him he could take the dogs to his place but he said he's only allowed 1 at a time at the complex and he wasn't sure about handling Dixie, she's a high energy dog that does not get along with other dogs except her own sister in my house, so that was his excuse for that. I was thinking to myself that I need to set some boundaries about this - I don't want to deny him contact with the dogs if he truly wants to see them, but he's not paying for them, there is no puppy support like child support, I was thinking next time of just saying I'm busy. I realized that I'm over it. I know it's because I'm seeing someone else - but this is the first i'd seen the ex since then and I really didn't want to bother with the awkwardness. He didn't say much, I didn't say much, he asked me if my jeans were new and I said yes and then he said see ya later and left. I saw him looking at me when i was watching tv. I don't want that relationship back because I came to realize how much better it is now. It's like being brought back to life. I did not realize I was walking on eggshells or not being my own person until he walked out the door. Now I am my top priority, not someone else. I'm meeting all my needs - not having to meet someone elses needs and feeling responsible for their happiness. I have come to accept it, being single is actually pretty great, I really went through great pains to get to acceptance but it simply just is. He's gone, I'm done feeling like that, trying to keep myself off the victim triangle. I do see that I have trust issues - you build this wall and it's hard to let someone in there. I did learn a lot of communication skills in divorce group too - they really encourage you to learn from the past but don't live there - when you rebuild yourself, use all the knowledge to create your new relationships - of course they encourage you to wait a year to date which was my plan, however when someone presents themselves, and all those bells/whistles go off every time they say something that you can relate to etc, the sparks, who am I to deny that and just walk away from a chance, I mean I deserve happiness too. I will learn from everyone I meet so I will just take it easy and slow - it's a fun path right now.
T-boned, thanks for the book reference - I'm always up to reading new books - could not have made it this far without them. that was a great poem too - I'm so glad you went to your IC and are seeing things that you perhaps didn't see before. I love those aha moments, those breakthroughs, it's just like "OH I get it now!" when it was there all along. We just get caught up in our lives or whatever drama is going on and forget to look at ourselves in the mirror and see what's in there. I still have work to do- it's an ongoing growth forever really. We all move at our own pace, climbing that mountain. It's ok to stop and take a breath but again if you think you're stuck, take a closer look at what you're stuck on. I know you have that book with the blocks on it, I re-read it and highlighted all the things that popped out at me, I could see how I had actually worked through every one of those rebuilding blocks - I feel more peace than I have in years, and that freedom. I'm rambling, I'm still healing don't get me wrong, still finding myself, but it does feel positive, being done with the grieving process. I decided to sell the old jewelry I have and would rather have the cash than the memories associated it with it. I have Motley Crue tickets in Cincinatti in July, so that's exciting to me Going to refi the house this month and that is the last thing to do. Hoping that goes well. Excited about the future for the first time in a long time.

[T-boned]

Again, TL, all I can say is "Wow" - you are killin' it!

But I need your help if you care to comment. I just trust your judgement.

Got a missed call on my cell phone last night around 8pm - when I looked it was my H. I listened to his voice mail and all he said was, "Just called to say hi." WTF? Since when? He has never done this. I did not call him back. I don't really want to talk to him - his voice will just set me off. He's leaving in two weeks to visit Spain for a month so I don't know if that has anything to do with it. Get the courtesy call in before he goes??? I don't know if I should call him back.
What for? Thinking I should just let it go until/if he calls again. Feel like I should go completely dark. What do you think?

[T-boned]

Thanks TL for the 'starting a new thread' instructions. Finally got it done just a few minutes ago.

[TL72*]

TBoned - glad you got your thread posted I think you should go with your gut. I never got the "called to say hi" myself, he would text or email with some question usually or ask to visit the dogs, so I would always respond via text or email with "ok" or "thank you" or something short and simple and I always wait a few hours. I think if you feel like going dark that is your decision and instinct, then do it. Most likely he'll holler at you again. Keep making your changes and living your life for you. If you don't know what to do, it's best to do nothing and just wait until you feel clearer in your head on what to do. Pray on it if you believe in that - listen to the voice in your head. Sometimes sleeping on it gives you a clearer perspective in the morning. You can always text back if you don't want to hear his voice and just say did you need something? Journal about it to get it out of your head. That's just me though, you gotta do what works for you. sending hugs your way!