I'm not to familiar with your sitch but this struck a chord with me:
Originally Posted By: recng
I still feel like I'm just a backup plan to her... maybe that would change after a while of reconciliation.
I was discussing with my IC yesterday a little bit about our financial situation. I said something about H coming home for financial reasons might be ok with me initially, but he would have to stay for the right reasons.
She stopped me and told me to quit selling myself short. Pointed back to self-esteem issues that have been an issue for me and told me that if H chooses to reconcile it is because he wants to and not to put a negative spin on it.
I think this applies to you as well. If you get to the point of reconciliation know it's because she is choosing you, period. Whether or not she can give you what you need is something only you can decide.
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
We talked a little last night and I told her I know pretty much exactly what she needs from me in a relationship. I listed it out and she just smiled.
First rec, you are dealing with so much. I hope you find comfort with your praying and elsewhere. If anyone deserves comfort, you do.
Second, what do you think of her reaction to you talking about what she needs from you in R? IMO, it doesn't seem positive. Something similar to telling someone you love them and their reply is "Thank you".
And why even discuss what W can get from you? It seems like it should be about what needs to happen to start process of working on R by W meeting Rec's boundaries.
There seems to be a cycle of "Rec done -> W shows interest -> Rec talks possibility of recon -> W's interest lessens -> Repeat"
Last edited by Nettles; 06/06/1408:13 PM.
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
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Second, what do you think of her reaction to you talking about what she needs from you in R? IMO, it doesn't seem positive. Something similar to telling someone you love them and their reply is "Thank you".
At first I was thinking it was positive, but yeah I guess you're right it's not good. It's like she thinks she deserves all this from me. Even after everything she's done.
Originally Posted By: Nettles
And why even discuss what W can get from you? It seems like it should be about what needs to happen to start process of working on R by W meeting Rec's boundaries.
Yes it should, but for some reason when I talk to her I get into this mode of trying to win her. Why I do this instead of her trying to make me happy, I don't know. I'm still trying to be like a savior or something for her. Too much nice guy in me I still need to get rid of.
Originally Posted By: Nettles
There seems to be a cycle of "Rec done -> W shows interest -> Rec talks possibility of recon -> W's interest lessens -> Repeat"
Are you in my house, lol? Yeah that's pretty much how the cycle goes. The funny thing is that I have the same cycle as well. When she goes to OM I get mad, angry, and hope she comes back to me. Then when she shows interest and is not with OM I'm like uhhh... no thanks.
I have a lot of issues with her. I just don't know. The biggest thing is that I have been using this divorce as an opportunity to improve myself, stop being lazy, and become more of the man that I want to be. She, in my opinion, has just gotten worse. I think all the lying she has done has just warped her brain.
She is addicted to OM and if her C doesn't give her the tools, she will continue to be on this merry-go-round. Yes, I believe you are still her back-up plan. She is pregnant with OM's baby and is an emotional wreck. Most pregant women, IMO, would seek a safe place......and you represent safety to her.
Sorry, but I disagree with the other poster's C about people reconciling b/c that's what they want to choose, not b/c it's a backup (if I understood the post correctly). That's just not the case every time, especially with women...and especially pregnant women. For women, it is sometimes more about surviving, especially when they feel so vulnerable. OM has rejected her and the baby. Her passion may be for him, but she needs a sense of security. She knows you, Mr. Nice Guy, can give her the safety net she needs at the moment. So, yes you are Plan B. Her Plan A would not step up to the plate.
When I decided to stay in my M, it was not b/c that's what I wanted in my heart. It was not exactly my Plan A. It was more about doing the right thing and for the sake of my family. But I wasn't happy about it. So, could her feelings change after reconciliation? Sure, anything is possible. But it won't change without her determination to NC with OM. otherwise, I just don't believe it will be a true reconciliation of hearts.
If you decide to take her back, it should be under the terms of complete transparency. If she hesitates or resists........don't compromise. If she doesn't agree 100% to be transparent with her phone & computer (at the least) I don't think your M stands a chance against all that challenges it.
But let me ask, is she saying she wants to come back......and then tells you she hung out with OM after supposingly ending things with him? Or, did you discover some other way?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She is addicted to OM and if her C doesn't give her the tools, she will continue to be on this merry-go-round. Yes, I believe you are still her back-up plan. She is pregnant with OM's baby and is an emotional wreck. Most pregant women, IMO, would seek a safe place......and you represent safety to her.
Sorry, but I disagree with the other poster's C about people reconciling b/c that's what they want to choose, not b/c it's a backup (if I understood the post correctly). That's just not the case every time, especially with women...and especially pregnant women. For women, it is sometimes more about surviving, especially when they feel so vulnerable. OM has rejected her and the baby. Her passion may be for him, but she needs a sense of security. She knows you, Mr. Nice Guy, can give her the safety net she needs at the moment. So, yes you are Plan B. Her Plan A would not step up to the plate.
When I decided to stay in my M, it was not b/c that's what I wanted in my heart. It was not exactly my Plan A. It was more about doing the right thing and for the sake of my family. But I wasn't happy about it. So, could her feelings change after reconciliation? Sure, anything is possible. But it won't change without her determination to NC with OM. otherwise, I just don't believe it will be a true reconciliation of hearts.
If you decide to take her back, it should be under the terms of complete transparency. If she hesitates or resists........don't compromise. If she doesn't agree 100% to be transparent with her phone & computer (at the least) I don't think your M stands a chance against all that challenges it.
But let me ask, is she saying she wants to come back......and then tells you she hung out with OM after supposingly ending things with him? Or, did you discover some other way?
Sandi,
You pretty much nailed it. Her IC told her she is like a drug addict and said she needs to go absolute no contact with OM for 30 days. She pretty much flew out as soon as possible before I even had a chance to figure out good ground rules. The first night she got there I told her that her friend should have total control over her phone. She disagreed and told me I have to trust her!
I was thinking that if she did want to come back that I would take her phone away. Put a lock on the computer. Take away her ipad and probably not even have a house phone.... This doesn't sound like a fun life for me - it sounds like absolute hell.
The only bright spot is that the last two times she has shown interest in me she was not broken up with OM at the time. May 7th she told me she loved me, they were not broken up. I told her she had to end it asap and then things went nuts and she ended back with him.
This time it started last saturday May 31st and she was even heading out for the weekend with OM and she called me crying saying that she really wanted to talk to me.
OM and W are currently together. All she has told him is that she needs a break and won't be contacting him for while. She told me he seemed ok with it. It didn't help that she told him where she went. I think he's relieved he won't have to worry about her being with me during that time.
And here's the rub of this thing. I don't want OM around my kids at all. I'm pretty sure OM doesn't want me raising his kid either. I kind of think neither of us actually want to be with W.... Because I don't think I want to, and I don't really think he wants to either. I kind of sense we're in a competition for the kids.
I talked to my lawyer about W leaving for almost 4 weeks in the middle of divorce proceedings and he told me I could likely get full custody and she would have visitation. It's a relief knowing this and I have a sense of calm.
I really need to figure out what I want. I still want my kids to have both parents with them. But I also want to be in a loving relationship. I wanted her back a lot in January, February, March, April... but eventually she does this whole back and forth, back and forth stuff that I have built up a wall against her.
Just thinking more about my situation. On May 8th W came to me told me she loved me and wanted to be back with me. At the time OM and her weren't broken up and he was more than ready to take care of the baby. She broke up with him, things went crazy and they got back together on May 23rd.
After that point I heard from W's brother saying she was thinking OM and her were going to get married soon after the divorce.... I don't know if that is true, but if OM were going to marry her doesn't that give her some security.
So my question is why is she running from him now? I didn't tell her to go. OM wants to take care of the baby with her and maybe even marry her. He's not backing away. He even emailed her the night before she left saying they should do counseling together. But by going away for nearly a month she's in risk of losing our kids to me totally. I even warned her before she left that this trip is not going to look good in court for her.
The only reasons I can think she's doing this are because she actually loves me (not bloody likely) or she's trying to do the right thing for her family (probably the reason, which is at least an admirable one).
Well, it's going to take longer than 30 days of NC.
Has OM changed his mind about the baby and getting M? B/c at one time he didn't want any part of it.
Did your lawyer advise you to D her before or after the birth of the baby? Maybe laws have changed now, but use to be if she was still M when the baby was born, the H would be child s legal parent. Therefore, the H was responsible for child support. But if tests prove baby is not H's child, I don't know.
I think men do get into some type of competition with W's OM. It becomes a matter of winning for them. But you have to look at the big picture. Do you want the drama of W/OM for years to come?
I don't see her being able to distant herself from OM while she's pregnant.......nor after the birth. I can't see her going 30 days with NC, either.
She really had the nerve to tell you to trust her!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Has OM changed his mind about the baby and getting M? B/c at one time he didn't want any part of it.
Yes, he's been all over the map on this and at least three different occasions has said he will sign over his rights to the kid (one of which I have in writing). Currently he is on board to raise the kid with W and he has been paying the doctor's bills.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Did your lawyer advise you to D her before or after the birth of the baby? Maybe laws have changed now, but use to be if she was still M when the baby was born, the H would be child s legal parent. Therefore, the H was responsible for child support. But if tests prove baby is not H's child, I don't know.
I had this sense in April that she was only halfheartedly saying she wanted to come back to me just to stay on my insurance. I wasn't going to be used like that so I filed. My lawyer told me the D should be able to be finalized as long as we both agree it's not my kid (should be finalized in mid to late July)
Originally Posted By: sandi2
I think men do get into some type of competition with W's OM. It becomes a matter of winning for them. But you have to look at the big picture. Do you want the drama of W/OM for years to come?
Well no of course I don't. I have told W I am not going to be with her if it means OM comes to see the kid every other weekend or something like that. Basically there's 3 options I have told her I'm ok with. 1. OM gives up rights to the kid entirely 2. W gives the kid to OM.... I doubt this would happen, I don't think he's capable in anyway of handling a kid by himself. 3. W and OM give up the kid for adoption.
And honestly I'm not really fond of 1 or 2 because there was always be that wonder between them... maybe someday she shares a picture of the kid when she's 5... and they reconnect... ugh.. I feel gross thinking about it. I would prefer option 3
Originally Posted By: sandi2
I don't see her being able to distant herself from OM while she's pregnant.......nor after the birth. I can't see her going 30 days with NC, either.
I see what you're saying. But then why is W doing what's she doing right now. She has OM with her if she wants him. Even after all their breakups he's still willing to take care of the kid. She has alimony from me for a while. If she stuck around she might have even been able to fight for more time with our kids, but now that's not an option at all. Why risk a decently stable life with OM, their kid, our kids? Why?
Originally Posted By: sandi2
She really had the nerve to tell you to trust her!
Yes. She says crazy things so often, I have become numb to them.
W emailed me this morning saying she wants to come back possibly the end of this week or middle of next week... so her trip may only be one to two weeks long. So much for the 30 day no contact. I'm not totally surprised as she's never been one to be able to stay with anybody besides me for that long of time (including her family).
Anyways she says she has her decision. Why she just doesn't call me and tell me what it is, I don't know.
She's probably just trying to be "nice" and bracing me beforehand before she tells me she's going to continue on with OM. When she tells me, my plan is to show no emotion and just say ok.
