Wife in MLC and ready to leave #4

[Wonka]

Matt,

There aren't many good ways to do 50/50. If my W would just not move 20 miles away and stay close then the 7/7 wouldn't be a problem. I would need to know more about what is going on in my D's life before I put her on any schedule. To start off I don't mind the 7/7 in the summer if my W MUST move so far away. The problem comes with my W's attitude that I need to tell my D that she MUST go, she has no choice. I also think that my lack of confidence in my W's mothering skills and ability to both work the way she does AND take care of her D have me quite worried to just say yes to 50/50 without an out.

As for how 50/50 would look during the school year, I think that is almost impossible as it depends on what school she is in, what she is doing, who her friends are, etc. Like I said, if I thought my D was OK with her mother, that she would get the best attention possible from her mom and she went to school where her mom wants to live, I would give up 50/50 custody during the school year so she wouldn't have to leave her friends and school events every other week.

As for what that would look like right now...First I would ask my D what she wanted to do (giving her options). If she thought 7/7 was OK for the summer I would be willing to try that but by no means would I tell my D she MUST do that.

You see the problem with 50/50 in my case (now that I'm thinking about it) is that it requires trust in the other parent. My W seems to have lost trust in me because of what other people have told her what I would do and because of one time where I cried in front of my D. (it wasn't even that much, just a couple tears, lasted maybe 2 min.'s? Just an excuse by W to blame me if my D is angry)and me because of what my W has done for the last few years (all of which you heard about, mostly). The fact that my W can't seem to be able to keep a thought in her head, no matter how important, for more than a week doesn't help either. I understand that all this is MLC symptoms but it still makes me worry about who and what my D may be exposed to.

So I guess I can't tell you exactly what 50/50 would look like until my D is part of the conversation and my W has made it clear that won't happen until we have an agreement in place! I guess what we need is for us both to just stop letting outside forces get involved and just try and work this out.

I really think my W thinks I wanted to stop her from leaving and she was right for a long time. Then I was fine with her leaving but not having to get a D as this would give everyone time to adjust but she just couldn't get it in her head that I didn't want to stop her because of what others were saying. It scared her. Now she see's me retaliating by hurting her in ways that she SHOULD know I never would. Of course one of the things that she says is the reason for her wanting to leave the M was "not trusting" me. Couldn't tell me why she felt that way, she just did and that goes with the trust issues she has always had since I've known her.

I need to get her to understand I really don't want to stop her from going. That what upsets me most is how she is letting other people tell her how I will act and I haven't done a single one of the things she is so afraid I will do. One time weeping is just me showing emotion, NOT manipulation. If I pretended to be upset, that's manipulation! The problem is getting her to stay calm as she is ready to explode any sec.!!

^^ Is that how you're going to present 50-50 to your lawyer?!

If my W would just not move 20 miles away and stay close then the 7/7 wouldn't be a problem.

'If, if'...no use at all. The current reality is that W is planning on moving and moving forward with divorce. Drop those what ifs...a complete waste of your energy.

I also think that my lack of confidence in my W's mothering skills and ability to both work the way she does AND take care of her D have me quite worried to just say yes to 50/50 without an out.

Uh? "An out"??! There's no out in a custody agreement. An out as in having your W committed?? Is that what you're thinking here?

As for how 50/50 would look during the school year, I think that is almost impossible as it depends on what school she is in, what she is doing, who her friends are, etc.

It is not how it works. 50-50 is deciding who the primary parent is and coming up with an alternate schedule between you and W. This happens regardless of where D14 lives.

First I would ask my D what she wanted to do (giving her options).

NO!!! You work out the arrangements through the lawyers. Don't drag D14 into this "negotiation" with W. This is to be handled between adults. You've already communicated to your L that you want primary custody. That's the hill you're willing to die on...right?

You see the problem with 50/50 in my case (now that I'm thinking about it) is that it requires trust in the other parent

Nope. It doesn't at all. The agreement clearly spells out what you two hammer out and is "approved" by the presiding judge. You are seeing it as a problem because your emotions are clouding your perceptions.

I mean...your W isn't an axe murder. Right?

I guess what we need is for us both to just stop letting outside forces get involved and just try and work this out.

This is code word for telling FIL to f*ck off. Still blaming FIL. Your W made this choice so it is all on her. You cannot talk rationally with Crazy. The sooner you accept this fact, the less you'll spin.

I need to get her to understand I really don't want to stop her from going. That what upsets me most is how she is letting other people tell her how I will act and I haven't done a single one of the things she is so afraid I will do.

You put an awfully lot of weight on what W and other people think/view you. You don't NEED to get W to understand your POV. She has hers. You have yours. Doesn't mean she needs to agree with it. You don't agree with hers anyway and it shows in several ways in your interactions with W!