Ok here we go

[ericmsant2]

Cw_wc

Something about your post stood out to me...

"Ownership" is the word that comes to mind. I see a lot of the old me in your posts. A lot of blaming your W for the demise of the M. IMO, it take TWO to make and break an M. Since you have NO control over HER…why not take the energy and frustration that is apparent in your post and apply it to making yourself become the best man possible.

Here is what I see in your posts…

No real idea who will see this but here we go ( I looked at the abbreviations but I'm winging it)
I thought I'd give my story but I think I'll give the "Coles notes"

First you are posting on a public forum so trust me some one is going to see it. I find the way you wrote this to be a little condescending. Most of time people come here and are in pain and looking for answers to their problems. You seem to already have the answer i.e. you want to get a divorce. Personally, I have a funny feeling that although this is how you “feel” or rather this is what you “feel” you want, that deep down inside you are not sure. That is just my hunch.

Your first post is all about bashing your W. It comes across as if you had no issues in the M. As if you were perfect and she was a total wreck. I doubt that was the case. I suspect that somewhere in the middle is the truth. In other words, you f’ed up and she did too, which is normal dude. It happens. The key though…imo, is to ‘own” your chit and allow her to “own” hers. Here let me show you what I mean….

When we were first married my w was a fun energetic woman. But very quickly into our marriage things started to change.

If you look at this comment ^^^^…here is what I see.

1) YOU blame her for her loose of “fun and energy”. Have you consider that maybe she was upset with some of the things that you were doing? That maybe she did not know how to communicate how she was feeling to you and so she began to shut down? So CW_wc……. What type of chit did you do in the M. Were you the typical dude that just worked, paid the bills, spent time with the kids BUT NEVER really listened, understood or validated your W? FTR, I was that guy. My point is where do YOU feel your shortcomings were?
2) “Very quickly things started to change”. Ummm….now you sound like a victim. So things changed “quickly” but you stuck it out for 20 years. Let me ask you a question is that HER fault that YOU stuck it out as long as you did or is it YOUR (psstt….unless she was packing a pistol and had it to your head I think you know the answer). So if you can step back from your anger for a bit and take a look at what you wrote you may see what I see.

In keeping with my…thought on how your post seem to blame her for everything…..

After our son was born and I was hired at a very good job it was decided that she would stay home.

“it was decided”. Okay, was it a joint decision or did you or her decide? Now if you tell me that she TOLD you that she was staying home, then my response is….. did you feel that You needed to agree? If so, why? Did you not feel like you could stand your ground? If so, then whos’s fault is that – hers or yours? (Psstt…… FTR, we control OUR lives – no one else).

After our son was born and I was hired at a ver good job it was decided that she would stay home. I would work. At the time she had just decided that we should move and 1.5 hrs away from the city to the country because she needed the space .

Man…this really reminds me of my old self.

“I worked” – Okay, I get that, what else did you do? Did you stop romancing her, did you stop doing the things that may her fall in love with you to begin with, did you stop have porn star sex with her, where you so preoccupied with your “very good job”…that you left her off to side to stay home and take care of the kid? Look man, I am not trying to bash you …I just want you to consider her perspective and what SHE may have been feeling.

You say she wanted to move 1.5 hours away. Did you have to move? Did she force you? Have you considered the following….

1) Was a cheaper to move 1.5 hours away? Were you able to get more house for the money, or bigger space?
2) Was it a better move for the kids? Would it keep them grounded and healthy?

What I see in your post about the move….is almost like you are painting her as wanting to move just to piss you off or just because she wanted to be alone. Somehow I doubt that. Somehow I feel like she did it more so for the kids. Maybe a better school district….maybe because society teaches us (at least if you are 44 like myself) that “man works and takes care of the family and women stay home and raise kids”…..maybe dude, she wanted to raise the kids. Nothing wrong with that imo. The only issue I see so far is that maybe NEITHER of YOU knew how to communicate to each other.

Let’s keep looking at your post…..

Let me be clear that throughout our marriage this occurred a lot. W made all the decisions.

Okay….this is YOU playing the victim again. I wonder how tall are you? Is your W bigger than you? Was she a bully? Did she scare you?

Really dude, take a look at what you wrote. She was a bully or you were a whimp. One of the two. Bottom line….one of the things that I learned here was that women really want a man to lead. They really want a man to lead the “right way” though. They want to be “heard”…the want to be “validated”…that want to be “wanted”…

So Cw_Wc….did you do that to your W or did she just bully you?

Only because if she didn't get her way she would argue and push and fight and finally withdraw any support should my choice fail. It made daily life kinda miserable and I learned very quickly to let her have her way.

Once again….you are putting all of the blame on her. Poor old CW…his W was bully. She would argue with him and “not support him”….and because of that CW life was “miserable”.

Dude, own your feeling and YOUR choices.

If you felt miserable…did you consider therapy, did you consider have some porn star sex with her (trust me it helps), did you try other things? You gave into to her (assuming she argued) – own it – stop blaming her.

As I mentioned above, women want men to lead. So what if she did not “support you”. For example…if you felt that opening a business was the right move and she disagreed, did you guys sit down and talk about what it would be that she “needed” to feel better about YOUR choices?

W stayed at home while I commuted and worked. In her mind stay at home meant watching our son. Not doing the laundry cleaning the house of preparing dinners. At least not on a regular basis.

Remember what I was saying earlier…about “man vs women roles”….this comment ^^^ screams it.

Read it…

“W stayed at home while I commuted and worked” – Notice you said you worked, which implies that she does not. Notice that you stressed how she stayed home and you commuted, which implies that you had it harder than her. Notice it is subtle way to bash her and minimize her role. Can you see how maybe she felt minimized? Part of that IMO, is her fault and on her – part of it is how you probably came across.

Notice how you point out her role was to cook and clean….what about YOU dude? You could have cooked or you could have shared some of the responsibility with her.

Please dude…for you sake read your words again…

7 years ago started the 5 year stretch without sex. Yes 5 years!!!

First off…I’m wondering….how many jar of lotion did you go through in 5 years – just kidding, it was a joke.

Dude, I am not sure what to say on this one….the only thing I would say is this……

I have not met a women…who if you….

Validate

Take care of

Show they matter

Make sure that sex is NOT one sided

Show them how to lead

Respect them

Have fun with them

And Pursue them


Would not have sex with their partner.




So CW…why is it that you think she did not have sex with you?

OH…and based on your update….you were married for 20 years….so let me get this straight….

Your W stood with you for 20 years

Dealt with what I would say is a minimizing husband

Had 2 kids

Gave up a career

And stood with you for 5 years while never give you sex….

Because…..?

Dude, you had a role in this.

You want a divorce – fine go get one. Here is the thing though……

IMO, unless you start looking at your role in this, you will have the same chit happen…with just a different women.

So my advice is take a look inside dude….take a look hard look inside. You may not like what you see….and it will be hard to change…but when YOU do….

Ohhh…it is so worth it.